Chinese English-speakers! North Korea! Pregnant Fish! And that’s just the stuff that didn’t make our “best of” comments. What a crazy week… HELLO FRIDAY re: Fierce OR Nerdy, in which slpc asked us to choose between movie soldiers and movie dinosaurs. (Thought) Chuck: G.I. JOE – four words: “Channing Tatum in leather.” Umm, hello people, the choice of soldiers is now obvious! PHILOSOPHICAL MONDAY re: Fierce in Seattle: Dog Days, in which Kelli Bielema exposes the sad reality of puppy mills. Basically, if you love dogs, don’t buy them from a pet store and support your local humane society. They’re doing amazing work. Justin_Time: It’s no wonder that so many of the dogs that people buy at pet stores have bad temperaments after growing up in these kinds of conditions. I hope all these dogs find happy homes. OH, IT’S TUESDAY re: If You Ask Me: BBQ Etiquette, in which Travis Randall declares that no matter how bad the host is messing up your barbecue, you should never, ever touch his or her grill. BabySmiling: Once I was at a birthday party BBQ where a bunch of guys (they were all physicians, actually) argued for 20 minutes about the best way to get the coals lit. One guy’s stance was “More lighter fluid! More! More!” He grabbed the bottle and kept spraying, so he won the debate through sheer force. My mushrooms tasted like they’d been marinated in lighter fluid. Everything was gross — and toxic. The only people who could really eat were the vegans who’d brought their own corn wrapped in foil to keep it safe from meat residue (and by extension, lighter fluid). We all ended up eating a lot of birthday cake to make up for our lack of BBQ...
If You Ask Me: BBQ Etiquette
posted by Travis Randall
. a blogumn by Travis Randall The question of BBQ etiquette has come up a lot lately and I have some thoughts on the matter. Specifically the questions are about the BBQ itself and if are you allowed to step in during a BBQ that is being botched. The fast answer is “NO!” Photo by Luca Vanzella If you are at a dudes house DO NOT give unwanted help or advice while they are grilling meat. You should feel comfortable helping to bring them needed materials, removing dirty platters, or washing some dishes. The very best thing you can do is keep the griller’s beer full or help to keep their cocktail nice and fresh. I will give you some exceptions. I recently started hanging out [and working on a pitch] with a current Food Network host. If he happens to be at my BBQ, he is more than welcome to help me out with a verbal cue or two. Anyone who is actually a “chef” is also welcome to throw their two cents in…a real chef. Also, if you have a unique culinary background or you BRING something over that I don’t make, you are welcome to throw down on the grill. Don’t upstage the griller in this situation though! Bring small appetizer-type stuff and don’t be a jerk about it. The focus is on the host and make sure it stays there. Now, what do you do if you are at a bad BBQ? Nothing unless asked! No matter how badly the griller is struggling you don’t step in unless asked. I get asked to take over from time to time, and the best way to keep a friend is to help them out and let them take the credit. For guys...
Hello Friday: The Fiercest Nerds On The Block May 15-22
posted by Ernessa T. Carter
Photo by Rick Audet Happy Memorial Day Weekend, guys! Before we get into the best comments of the week, friendly reminder to enter your date and time in the Baby Betty Pool. Betty won’t guess her birth date and time by herself, now will she? She needs suggestions. HELLO FRIDAY re: Fierce OR Nerdy: Swine Flu Or H1N1, in which slpc asked us to vote on our preferred name for the not-as-deadly-as-the-MSM-thought-it-would-be flu virus currently doing the rather anti-climatic rounds. (Thought)Chuck: Both names are misleading and have their drawbacks. Calling it “swine flu” infers that the virus came specifically from pigs, when influenza is actually a virus that originates in the intestinal tracts of birds and which then mutates (“antigen shift”) and is transferred inter-species, in many cases to pigs. True, the virus can mutate further than is normal and become more virulent & dangerous (“antigen drift”) while in the pigs, but still the disease is not native to pigs. Calling it H1N1 is also “off-the-mark,” in that this virus we have encountered today is a descedant of, but not THE SAME AS, the virus which was originally identified by its genetic code as H1N1 and which caused the influenza pandemic of 1918-1919. This new virus, though potentially dangerous, has not yet shown the adaptability to humans and high transferrance & lethality rates that the 1918 virus had – and which made it so deadly. Check out John barry’s THE GREAT INFLUENZA for a fascinating, concise account of the 1918 pandemic, as well as a great “science for non-scientists” look at how viruses behave. PHILOSOPHICAL MONDAY re: The Most Practical Road to Mad Love, in which I admitted to creating an apartment-in-a-few-bags back-up plan, when I moved in with my then-BF, now-husband and asked...
If You Ask Me: The Basic BBQ And Booze Plan
posted by Travis Randall
. a blogumn by Travis Randall Photo by Rick Audet I am often asked what are acceptable drinks to serve at a BBQ. The simple answer is…beer or whiskey and in some cases tequila. All booze is created equal you say? You couldn’t be more wrong when it comes to BBQs. First, let’s discuss beer. American beer is always acceptable but I will take anything from Northern or Central America. As long as “America” is in the mix somewhere you’ll be OK. Don’t even think of bringing a Fischer [from France] to my BBQ. French beers are to be enjoyed in private and with embarrassment in your heart. The best thing to come from France was me with a disgusted look on my face. German beers are nice but they are too hardy for a BBQ. Asian beers are just too sharp and aren’t great with beef, pork, or chicken. So what beer works well with a BBQ? Nice thin American beers. Some good ones are Pabst, Lonestar, Miller products, Shiner, Rolling Rock, Coors, or possibly a Keystone. These brands work well because they are light and you can drink a ton of them. If you are the grillmaster at the BBQ you will be out in the sunshine for a while and you will need a beer that goes through you quickly and doesn’t fill you up. You will have a huge hangover but that is a small price to pay for a great BBQ experience. So if someone offers you a Heineken or an Asahi just say “No thank you”. Mexican beer works well too. Since most people insist on serving it with a lime or lemon to dilute its terrible taste, the added acidity brings out the taste of pork and...
If You Ask Me: How Hot Is Too Hot To BBQ?
posted by Travis Randall
. a blogumn by Travis Randall The weather has been in the high 90’s this week here in L.A. and someone commented it may be too hot to BBQ. WHAT?!? I was raised in the Midwest where they have a little thing called “humidity”. I never heard the good people up there complain that it was too hot to be grilling. For that matter, those crazy bastards will BBQ when it’s 30 below zero. They are real Americans…it brings a red, white, and blue tear to my patriotic eye. If it is too hot for you I have a solution, booze. I prefer beer when BBQ’ing but whiskey is good too. Maybe you don’t drink alcohol and you would prefer a nice cool glass of lemonade? Then go steam your veggies inside because there is no way you are a carnivore. If you aren’t a carnivore you ARE food and you need to keep safe. BBQ’ing is a sport and they don’t cancel football games because it’s too hot do they? I prefer to traditionally BBQ my meat, by that I mean smoking it. I smoke it at between 215 and 230 degrees so I guess if it gets to 231 degrees outside I might excuse you from honoring your meat with natural fuel. If you make the commitment to go outside with your favorite beverage and cook in the extreme heat you do deserve some reprieve from the heat. The best cooler is a swimming pool but if you don’t have one go to Walmart and get yourself a childrens pool. Dump in a bag of ice and cool yourself and your next beer at the same time. Umbrellas work well too. Make sure it has a sports logo or a skull &...
If You Ask Me: Seriously, A BBQ Is Just Not A BBQ Without The Side Dishes...
posted by Travis Randall
. a blogumn by Travis Randall Sides are an essential (and often overlooked) part of a successful BBQ. I was recently at a “BBQ” and the so-called “host” was kind enough to have a grill filled with delicious meats but as I plated up I realized there was nothing to accompany the meats. For a hardcore carnivore (like me) this is fine, but as a party host even I realize the importance of sides and appetizers. The first, and most important, side dish is good music. We will get into that in a few weeks but for now let’s explore some easy food options for you to provide to your friends at your next BBQ: First let’s explore your options. Your cooking technique will help narrow down your options so your most obvious preparation technique is your grill. Your grill is an easy option since everything can be prepared in one location. Grilled vegetables are easy and tasty and they require very little prep and seasoning. Fruits are also amazing on the grill, the natural sugars react great to intense heat. Grilled watermelon is amazing! The crockpot is another great way to make your sides. It allows you to do the work before your guests arrive and have the sides hot and ready to eat whenever. Your crockpot can also be easily moved around to accommodate your serving location. It’s great for bbq beans, sweet potatoes, green beans, cabbage, chili, and dips. Cold sides are great too. In many cases they can be made the day ahead and refrigerated until ready to serve. The two most traditional and easy to prepare sides are potato salad and coleslaw. Other great cold sides are black bean & corn salad, cucumber salad, deviled eggs, dips, salsas, cornbread,...
If You Ask Me: America’s Best BBQ. Period.
posted by Travis Randall
. a blogumn by Travis Randall A question I get a lot is “What is the best style of BBQ?” That’s hard to answer because there are so many sub categories of BBQ. People around this country can’t even decide which spelling is the right one [BBQ, Bar-B-Q, Barbecue, etc]. BBQ [my preferred spelling] styles are broken up by region. Entire books have been written on the specific breakdowns of styles so I am going to generalize BBQ into broad categories. These styles are: California [Santa Maria Style], Hawaiian Style, Missouri Style [I am lumping together St. Louis & Kansas City Styles], Texas Style, Tennessee Style [Memphis Style is most prominent], and Southern Style [Carolina, Georgia, Alabama]. The easiest way to pick a winner is to pick the losers out first. Let me say that all of these styles are really good and if done correctly I am pleased as a pickle to be eating any of them, but for the sake of your taste buds I will pick the best. First let me tell you what BBQ is. Purists define it as meat cooked by indirect heat using hardwoods for fuel as well as for flavor. Traditional BBQ in this country was once considered slave food. Slave owners would often give the undesirable cuts of meat to the slaves and they developed it into a delicious cuisine. Another factor I sometimes take into consideration is side dishes. Right off the bat I will eliminate California and Hawaiian styles from the running. California’s Tri-Tip fits in somewhere between grilling and BBQing. It is cooked over a flame, higher and cooler than grilling but still not BBQ. Hawaiians do up the pit pigs but this isn’t truly the American way and most of their BBQ,...
If You Ask Me: Fancy Schmancy Grill Gear
posted by Travis Randall
. a blogumn by Travis Randall I profile lots of cooking/grilling products on my website. Some are cheap and simple and some are very expensive and fancy. I do this because…well…I get free stuff to do it. Inevitably all of these products end up in the garbage can or the garage. Why? It’s because any self respecting griller or pit master doesn’t need or want these flashy products. It’s like the middle aged guy in the fancy sports car scenario, you must be compensating for something. In this case it’s probably because you gotz no skillz. So what is it that you need to be the master of your backyard BBQ? Here are a few of the essentials according to me…a master. Get yourself a quality grill. Quality does not mean expensive! A Weber Kettle grill is cheap, available everywhere, versatile, and amazing. Some people have to go the gas grill route. If this is the case make sure you get one with high BTUs and a sturdy stance. Cast iron or porcelain coated grates are best for gas grills. Quality Utensils – Again, quality does not mean expensive. Get a thick metal spatula. The best tongs are the cheap ones available at restaurant supply stores. There is a reason they are in virtually every restaurant, they rule. I’m amazed more people don’t use them at home. They make lots of gizmos but I can’t find one that actually is needed and doesn’t make you yourself look like a tool other than the Happy Hooker. Some people like grill weights for steaks and burgers. I invented the best one ever. I wrap a brick in foil. It weighs the exact amount of awesome needed to grill perfectly. Clothing – A hat with a liquor...
If You Ask Me: If You Can’t Make The Kill, You Shouldn’t Put It On The Grill...
posted by Travis Randall
. a blogumn by Travis Randall Hey Nerds! For this article I want to talk about the statement “If you aren’t willing to kill it, you shouldn’t eat it”. This would normally get filed into the “no shit” category but I realized there are a lot of softies who follow this site. I am amazed by people who don’t understand that a hamburger was once alive and mooing. Most people understand this but could they kill a cow? “HELL NO” is the answer. Most of them would be afraid to pet a cow. Cows are actually pretty easy to kill. Cows don’t suspect you are gonna do the unthinkable so they pretty much go about their day-to-day cow duties then WHAM! You get em’. That may sound harsh, but is it as harsh as you eating any animal and not having the heart or respect to kill it yourself? Do you deserve to eat anything you couldn’t kill and clean yourself? I say no. I have killed animals [some bigger than me], removed their guts, and butchered them for eating. It is no laughing matter and let me tell you that after the first time you do it the grocery store looks mighty different. Americans are pretty disrespectful towards meat eating in general. We use only the finest and more desirable cuts. Take a walk through a Mexican grocery store here in L.A. and look how much better use of the animal a Mexican cook makes. At Vallarta they sell cow lips, tongues, brains, balls, and chicken and pig feet. Those things look like animal parts. If you eat a cow lip sandwich, you know what the f#ck you are eating! I’m challenging readers to actually take part in the slaughter of an animal...
If You Ask Me: Just Say No to Dating Vegetarians
posted by Travis Randall
. a new blogumn by Travis Randall There are a lot of things to consider when picking a girlfriend/boyfriend. For instance if you like to get your drink on and party it up you may not want to date even the most beautiful person in A.A. unless of course you are willing to change for someone…which is always a bad idea. Quitting drinking for the right person may indeed help you live longer and healthier, so it could be considered if you don’t mind losing the ability to be fun. I was posed with an interesting question recently, “Should I date a vegetarian?” The answer was super short and sweet…”NO!”. Why would someone who follows the laws set forth by nature possibly consider spending quality time with someone who so flagrantly thumbs their nose at normalcy? Throw out the joyous dates to All U Can Eat Brazilian Churrascarias, trips for BBQ by the pound, and glorious mornings enjoying each other’s company over a plate of bacon. Forget having a delightful drink over dinner as well. The only thing you could possibly drink with tofu would be wine. The only reason men drink wine is to pretend to be important, pretend to be smart, or impress a girl. Meat goes with things like whiskey, beer, punching, and awesomeness. This brings me to the “girl dating a male vegetarian” scenario. Ladies, unless you want to be the one building decks, mowing lawns, and chasing away burglars in the middle of the night, I wouldn’t suggest it. Male vegetarians live comfortably in a country built my men and women who eat steaks. Vegetarians also talk a lot about things like Global Warming, conspiracies, and health issues. No fun at a party, ever. If you are really unlucky...