Don’t Call Me Sausage! Ask Dr. Miro: What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class
Dear Dr. Miro,
The last time I was having sex with my husband he stopped right in the middle and said he couldn’t stay hard because I look like a fat sausage and no one could possibly be turned on by me. So I’m not a perfect 10 but I’m not overweight. I have been trying to lose extra pounds and even though we can’t really afford it, have hired a personal trainer. Yet I still feel like crap. I’m really upset by how mean that was. All I want to do is tell him the long list of things I hate about him. You know, hurt him the way he hurt me. I know I shouldn’t because I will regret it. It’s not like he’s eye candy, by any means, but I love him and try to be a good and loving wife. He has made this a difficult and thankless task. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Notta Jolly Fat Girl
Dear NJFG,
What a terribly hurtful thing to say! That is so not appropriate. How dare he blame you for his inadequacy! Honesty is an important aspect of any relationship but there are certainly more tactful ways of being honest than what your hubby has displayed. You are right in holding back the list you want to tell him out of anger, to a certain degree. However, if these things are still on the tip of your tongue when you have cooled off, you should speak your truth. Let your Betrothed know how his comments have affected you and what they triggered. If you do not feel safe telling him your feelings, PLEASE see a relationship therapist who can provide a space in which both of you can express what has been boiling beneath the surface. There is obviously a lot more than mere name calling to be gone over.
What if you are overweight? I am glad you are trying to get fit but it should be for YOU and not him. Of course you still feel like crap. The man you chose to spend the rest of your life with is unfavorably comparing you to pork product. Sure, many people are attracted to specific body types but he has no right to blame you for his lack of an erection. He does not sound in to the whole marriage – romance – sex thing, and is coming up with defenses to distance himself from you. I would also like to make mention of the fact that you referred to being a Wife as a task. This is something to examine. If there is such a long list of things you are angry about you must speak them out loud in a manner he will be able to hear. He is aware that you are not happy. Keeping it inside and pretending to be the perfect wife is ridiculous and counter productive.
Everyone deserves to be in a loving, respectful relationship and, NJFG, that includes YOU. Do not allow yourself to be brought down by this loud-mouth. I know he is your husband but he is not keeping his vow to love and cherish through sickness and health. Speak up for yourself. Deep down, you know what to do.
Lust & Happiness,
Dr. Miro
featured image credit: meddygarnet
What a horrible man! I agree with everything already said here and would like to add this…
It may seem impossible, time has built up and you’ve spent so much energy and time building what you have, every second adding to the “bliss” you once imagined could be yours with marriage…. but…
Dump the guy! A man who projects onto his partner all of his insecurities and issues is not worth your time. He may agree to counseling, and hopefully it can work for you if he is willing to really open up, but unless he is willing to truly examine the issues at hand you are going to be stuck with that insensitive dolt for a long time to come. (And age doesn’t seem to make people kinder in the long run…) Get out while the getting is good, scoop up that water bottle and gym bag, go see that personal trainer to make YOURSELF feel better, and the clarity will follow. Freedom may be just what the doctor ordered… Besides, it is way more fun to have sex with someone who is into you and is sensitive to your needs as well!
Amen! As soon as I read this, I thought A) what a mean bastard and then B) sooo, he’s projecting his own insecurities on to her.
He’s being a bully, and you should not be bullied by your own husband. Your husband is actually the kind of person who should be protecting you from that kind of behavior!
If you truly love him, you need to tell him the truth. Keeping your thoughts about him will only make the problems worse. And if he truly loves you, he’ll realize he was wrong and be willing to work on his problems as well as the relationship.
I would serve this guy with papers. If he blames his wife for this, then what’s he going to do if she gets cancer, or a few wrinkles? He doesn’t deserve a loving relationship until he works on himself.
Exactly.
My ex GF used that term about herself sometimes – sausage, as in sausage fingers, etc.
But I never saw her that way – I loved her body (still do), and I would NEVER have said anything like that to her.
That’s just mean.
Or you could pull a Lorena Bobbitt and serve him with a knife, then ask how he likes that “sausage”…. I’m just sayin…