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“Don’t Call Me Ma’am!” [Oh, It’s Tuesday]
Like many women raised by women from the south, I am not all that formal with friends, but I try to be unfailingly polite to strangers. I don’t expect the same from others. In fact, I consider the French person’s and New Yorker’s infamous skills for being rude to people they don’t know, to be both curious and delightful. While I was in Paris, my heart nearly exploded with anthropological glee the first time a French person acted rudely toward me — the shop clerk at an expensive mustard shop called the next person in line forward after I said, “I’m trying to decide between this kind of mustard and that kind of mustard.” Then after checking him out, she huffily offered me two small bread sticks dipped in both kinds of mustard. The whole experience was truly amazing and made me feel like Jane Goodall.
However, there is one kind of stranger rudeness that I just can’t abide. Often, when I need to get a stranger’s attention, I address him or her as either “sir” or “ma’am” respectively. I’ve never had a man answer me in any way but cordially. However, I’ve had 4 or 5 woman huff and say, “Don’t call me ma’am!”
The latest incident came a couple of Tuesdays ago at yoga of all places. “Excuse me, ma’am?” I said, trying to get a fellow yogi’s attention.
“Don’t call me ma’am!” she snapped.
“Sorry,” I answered. “I was just hoping we could switch places, so that I can be next to my friend.”
Looking injured that I had dared to call her ma’am. She switched places with me without a word, not even a “you’re welcome” when I thanked her for doing so.
Now that I think back on that exchange, I somewhat wish instead of “sorry” I had said, “Why not?”
“Because I’m not a ma’am,” I imagine her saying. “I’m not old.”
“Oh, I didn’t know that ‘ma’am’ was anything but a form of polite address. Also, I didn’t realize that being old was a a pejorative. I’m quite happily aging, and I don’t consider it an insult to be addressed formally.”
I’m not sure how woman who say “Don’t call me ma’aam” want to be addressed by people who don’t know their names. And quite frankly, I don’t see why I should be expected to tiptoe around their issue with growing older. But then again, I’m the type of person who answers, “Are you serious?” when I ask another woman how old she is, and she answers, “I don’t tell people my age.”
I’m interested to hear how the rest of you feel about this. Do you have any issues with being called “ma’am” or “sir”? And if so, how do you think you should be addressed by people who don’t know your name but need to get your attention.
I don’t take issue to being called ma’am, but that’s probably because it tumbles out of my mouth so frequently that I couldn’t imagine it being offensive. It’s the way I was raised. Ma’am and sir are just second nature. Perhaps she was of the mind that ma’am is only used for women of a certain age. In my book, it’s applicable to anyone older than me or deserving of respect.
I love that someone else from the STL is backing me up on this. It does make me wonder who raised these people who don’t understand the basic concept of sir or ma’am as a polite address.
Sounds like that old lady needed to do some yoga! (JK) It always confounds me when people get sooo offended by inoffensive things like saying “ma’am” I understand that language has power, but seriously, ma’am is just a polite term for a lady. I have called 20 year olds ma’am, ie “Ma’am, you’ve dropped your sweater.” I prefer, if people want to get my attention and don’t know my name to say “HEY! Sexy and Smart lady!”, but usually I get a “ma’am”. I don’t mind, the only thing I get offended being called is Bitch.
I call young people ma’am, too. From now on I’m just going to say, “Hey, sexy and smart lady!” whenever I see you IRL. #youthinkimkidding
I love it! No one would question you calling her that…she would be too stunned into silence!
I always just sort of giggle when people call me ma’am…although I use it myself. If anything, it just seems so formal…but yeah, polite. Yoga lady can suck it!
it happens so rarely to me out here that I’m just pleased to hear it. I think because I always have earphones in, people’s ability to be polite to me is somewhat limited. Which I don’t blame them for, but that’s another blog.
My brother & I say Yes & No Sir/Ma’am to everybody. I even call on my students with that. Maybe it has to do with being raised with manners in Virginia? Honestly, what are the other options? “Miss” sounds too patronizing. “Hey Lady” is too Jerry Lewis. “Yo Blondie/Ginger/etc.” is too construction site…
The things folks get upset about during yoga crack. me. UP! Ma’am needs to find her ujai…
Yes, yoga etiquette is really funny. Tho, it does occur to me that she probably needed that class more than I did.
I don’t know about the rest of the US, but in California it’s absolutely taboo to say “ma’am” because it sounds “old” and old=useless. DIDN’T YOU KNOW THAT?!
But seriously, because of the ageist society we have going, especially here in LA-LA Land, anything that indicates that one is beyond the reasonable age of frat parties and hanging out with Lindsay Lohan has to be squashed immediately or else you’ll get shipped off to the midwest to grow old and die.
I myself was horrified to be called “ma’am” for the first time when I was but an eighteen year old. It wasn’t until I took a job in Texas eight years ago that I found out that “ma’am” isn’t a pejorative. Oscar Wilde was right, youth is wasted on the young.
Youth is SO wasted on the young. I’m shocked by the opportunities that I got and squandered when I was young, that I couldn’t even dream of getting now. I think that’s why I much prefer getting older. When I look back at my pre-30s there’s a lot of cringe factor associated with stupid decisions and actions. Now I know that when I’m in my 40s there will be much less of that when I look back on my 30s. Progress!
As for the ageist society. I am aware of the supposed existence of it, but I don’t know that I fully “believe.” The fact is that the majority of the people I know who have more success, and more money are older than I am. In other words Lindsay Lohan’s former agent is older and more successful than Lindsey Lohan. Most people would rather have what he or she has, rather than Lindsay Lohan’s youth and looks. However, while we work for older people we all keep telling ourselves that LA is so ageist, when in fact LA is like most places. If you do the work and stay in the game, then you’ll most likely prosper. Very few of us are super-successful in our 20s. The vast majority of the power listers are in their 40s and 50s, with some representation by the 30yos, and even fewer spots for the 20yos. So really when we say we’re ageist, we mean that none of us want to look older or even our age, b/c we’ve been especially worked over by a beauty industry who wants us to buy their stuff and has therefore given us a false perception that only the young are rewarded, when in actuality, the exact opposite is true.
But then again, I’m a writer. I can’t wait to be in my 40s with a few more books under my belt and an established career. Quiet as it’s kept, it’s way more impressive to be an established author than a new and exciting debut one.
I don’t know about the rest of the US, but in California it’s absolutely taboo to say “ma’am” because it sounds “old” and old=useless. DIDN’T YOU KNOW THAT?!
But seriously, because of the ageist society we have going, especially here in LA-LA Land, anything that indicates that one is beyond the reasonable age of frat parties and hanging out with Lindsay Lohan has to be squashed immediately or else you’ll get shipped off to the midwest to grow old and die.
I myself was horrified to be called “ma’am” for the first time when I was but an eighteen year old. It wasn’t until I took a job in Texas eight years ago that I found out that “ma’am” isn’t a pejorative. Oscar Wilde was right, youth is wasted on the young.
I don’t take offense to being called ma’am, but I often day to folks to just call me Monique (or Ms. Monique if it is a kid). I must admit I don’t like being called ma’am even though my upbringing makes me use sir/ma’am regularly. I also don’t like being called Mrs. King-Viehland or Mrs. Viehland particularly by folks in their twenties since I don’t feel there is that much difference in our ages. It does make me feel old and I guess I am not aging gracefully.
At least you don’t snap at others for doing so. I think inviting someone to call you by your first name is the perfect (and most polite) way to keep someone from calling you ma’am if it makes you feel old in a bad way. Though of course I have to point out that you’ve only gotten better with age my friend.