Fierce Anticipation’s 1st Annual Macabre, Morbid, Miserly, and somewhat Murderous Christmas Reading List of 22 Books Selected at Random by Me, Ryan Dixon

Need a gift for that not-so-special someone? Read on to discover the perfectly inappropraite book for every Christmas occasion after the gallery…

For those who’d rather eat a reindeer than ride one: How to Cook a Reindeer by Laila Spik

For those who’d rather eat a human than a ham: I Ate Billy on Christmas by Roman Dirge

For those looking for a legitimate reason NOT to buy anyone presents: Scroogenomics: Why You Shouldn’t Buy Presents for the Holidays by Joel Waldfogel

For those who aren’t already bored enough by Prairie Hometown Companion: A Christmas Blizzard by Garrison Keillor

For those looking for re-confirmation that Texas is the worst state in the Union (especially at Christmastime): Tinsel: A Search for America’s Christmas Present by Hank Stuever

For those who are closeted, Christmas loving Jews: Sex, God, Christmas and the Jews by Gil Mann

For those plotting a family member’s murder during the holiday: Murder for Christmas: 26 Tales of Yuletide Malice edited by Thomas Godfrey

For those who ate too much bread pudding: The Bathroom Book of Christmas Trivia edited by Lisa Wojina

For those getting a PhD in Christmas Studies: The Battle for Christmas by Stephen Nissenbaum

For those getting a PhD in Christmas Studies with a focus on the semiotics of Santa Claus: Santa Claus, Last of the Wild Men: The Origins and Evolution of Saint Nicholas Spanning 50,000 Years by Phyllis Siefker

For those who like their Beef Stick organic and farm fresh: Stocking Stuffers: Homoerotic Christmas Tales edited by David Laurents

For those who want some Gore(y) with their Christmas: The Twelve Terrors of Christmas by John Updike and Edward Gorey

For those who want to read a book with more sugar than a gingerbread cookie and more sap than a Christmas tree: The Christmas Cookie Club: A Novel by Ann Pearlman

For those in need of witty, holiday-hating retorts: The Dreaded Feast: Writers on Enduring the Holidays edited by Taylor Plimpton and Michele Clarke

For those interested in finding out the truth about Santa, wormholes, robots and what really happens on Christmas Eve: The Truth About Santa: Wormholes, Robots and What Really Happens on Christmas Eve by Gregory Mone

For those with Wiccans, Warlocks or just plain weirdos in the family: Pagan Christmas: The Plants, Spirits, and Rituals at the Origins of Yuletide by Christian Ratsch and Claudia Muller-Ebiling

For those who can’t fully concentrate on Christmas because they’re still too despondent over the fact that the first season of the BBC’s amazing series Sherlock only lasted three episodes: The Sherlockian by Graham Moore

For those who felt that Santa enjoyed having you on his lap just a little too much: Scared of Santa: Scenes of Terror in Toyland by Denise Joyce and Nancy Watkins

For those who enjoyed sitting on Santa’s lap just a little too much: I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus by Debbi Rawlins

For those looking for a good excuse to skip Midnight Mass: The Atheist’s Guide to Christmas edited by Robin Harvie and Stephanie Meyers

For those who miss Halloween, are comic book fans, or just want to spread the spirit of Christmas by helping out their friendly, neighborhood blogumnist who spent several hours putting this great list together by purchasing his graphic novel: Hell House: The Awakening by Ryan Dixon and Chad Feehan

And for those wanting to follow me on Twitter: @ryanbdixon

featured image credit: sally monster