FIERCE ANTICIPATION: June 11-13 [80s Worst Ten]

She released her soft, moist tongue from around my throbbing member. And then her naked body, dripping with liquid crystals of love sweat, began to mount me. In a matter of minutes, I would be a virgin no longer…

Okay, enough with that. Per the new format of FaN, our dauntless edittress Ernessa T. Carter has demand, in a harshly worded email she sent this past week, that we contributors include a catchy opening to hook readers like you into clicking “more” to read the rest of the blogumn.

Image Credit: a.m. garcia

So now that I hopefully have you hooked, it’s time to forget about virgins, tongues and, thankfully, my throbbing member and get to today’s real topic: the 1980s.

(Note: For those who read the first paragraph and didn’t have to click “more,” I deeply apologize for any future psychological harm due to imagining anything having to do with me or my member.)

Even though as a society we are as polarized as we have ever been, there is something I hope we can all agree upon: this is perhaps the worst summer for movies on record.  Those who have avoided the stream of cinematic exctrement that keeps pouring out of Hollywood’s neither regions should consider yourselves among the lucky few. I haven’t been so lucky, but now am starting to realize why so many of the recently released movies have left me feeling so bored: I’ve already seen most of the movies…back in the 1980s.

It’s no surprise that the mutant 80s are at the forefront of modern pop culture seeing that many of Hollywood’s decision makers grew up during that decade. What is surprising is the utter banalitiy of what we’re now getting, re-heated entertainment leftovers. In the past two months, we’ve been forced to endure A Nightmare of Elm Street, MacGruber and Prince of Persia (originally a videogame from 1989).

The vampire zombie 80s will hit their apotheosis this weekend with the dual release of The A-Team and The Karate Kid, followed, later in the summer, by Predators and The Expendables, which seems like some sort muscle bound mixtape unearthed in someone’s garage.

I am not here to criticize or praise The A-Team or The Karate Kid, though. Instead, I’m going to offer a glimmer of hope for those already sick of that Max Headroom decade. Take heed, 80s weary readers, for I now give you…

The Top 10 Things from the 1980s That Will NEVER Be Remade

1. Mr. T and the All American Team

Mr. T has has recently been talking a lot about his refusal to do a cameo in The A-Team. Turning down the remake seems a questionable choice, considering that, aside from Rocky III, his only other seminal work from the 1980s, the cartoon Mr. T and the All-American Team, involves him seemingly breaking Megan’s Law before each commercial break as he leads a group of teenage gymnasts (and an adolescent boy) on crime fighting missions. (I would add a joke here, but feel that the previous sentence does all the work for me.)

2. Lawn Darts (aka Jarts)

Here’s an example of a product of such reckless stupidity that even John Lithgow’s evil toy-making tycoon in Santa Claus: The Movie wouldn’t dream of designing it. Luckily the Consumer Product Safety Commission banned lawn darts from sale in the US in 1988. For anyone in 2010 who wishes to play this now illegal game, here’s an Al-Qaeda-like video (to the tune of Charlie Daniels “In America”), teaching you secrets of Jarts.

3. New Coke

I was in the throes of a heated discussion about soft drinks the other day and brought up “New Coke” as a Cassandra-like warning to all those in the world who would attempt to mess with perfection. The young woman I was debating didn’t know what I was talking about when I referred to “New Coke.” Upon realizing that she was born after that infamous cola’s rise and fall, I headed straight home and cried my weary, aged body to sleep.

For those, like my friend, who have never heard the terrifying tale, New Coke was introduced in 1985 by the man who was, at the time, America’s favorite paternal presence:

But, sadly, even Dr. Huxtable couldn’t save New Coke. America’s reaction to drinking the cola was perfectly dramatized in this famous Pepsi ad featuring three future members of the Tea Party:

4. Wendy’s Superbar

Not much to say about this product, except that I sometimes grow nostalgic for the good ‘ole days when restaurants unironically celebrated the infinite possibilities of overeating, even with salad…

5. Teddy Ruxpin

Well, I suppose they could turn this toy into a movie… a horror movie. Chucky vs. Teddy anyone?

6. Elecktronik Supersonik

I grew up without cable and was thus MTV-less, meaning I didn’t have the (dis)pleasure of seeing this “video,” which now looks like an outake from a Sacha Baron Cohen movie.

7. McDLT

Before Jason Alexander joined TV Valhalla with his performance as George on Seinfeld, he was well-known for his singing and dancing on Broadway, talents he put to good use in this ad for a McDonald’s product so weird, I still don’t really know what it is.

8. The Peanut Butter Solution

Speaking of weird, this is one of the strangest family films ever made. For anyone who saw it, like me, as a kid, it was absolutely unforgettable. I haven’t watched it for over 20 years, but its hazy celluloid glow stays with me like some long ago dream.  Its utter originality and quirky darkness are just the wonderful qualities that would make any sort of modern remake impossible.

9. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

One of the things that we as a culture have thankfully outgrown is the rush to make terrible movies out of the children’s pop culture sensations. The epitome of that trend was never better summarized than in this flop based on the popular trading cards. The title says it all, but the trailer certainly does a nice job of backing up its argument.

10. Commodore Vic-20

Okay, this product was actually a huge hit in the 80s and, according to Wikipedia, was the first computer of any kind to sell over a million units. However, whenever I find a Youtube clip featuring William Shatner that I haven’t seen before, I can’t help but share it with everyone I know. I mean, come on, is there a better way to start the weekend than a little (soon to be) Fat Kirk? Didn’t think so.

Really bored or looking for someone new to stalk? Follow me on Twitter. You can find me @ryanbdixon.