FIERCE ANTICIPATION: The Zac Halley Edition [Harry Potter is So Gay]

Jingle balls, fags!  It’s holiday movie time and we’re ready to have the best time since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny-fucking-Kaye!

FIERCLY ANTICIPATING

This surely is the most wonderful time of the year because there’s one thing on which all good Christians can agree: family time is a drag, so it’s best to do it in a movie theater.  And it’s shaping up to be one of the gayest Christmases ever!

Brace yourselves, homos.  We’ll have an offering from this stallion:

Wait wait… not him.  THIS stallion:

(I’m seriously so excited to see this movie mostly because of Mr. Gad.  I know it’s hard to distinguish my sarcastic sneer from sincerity…just think of it as sinsneerity.)

I’m not holding my breath just yet but supposedly we’ll have I Love You, Phillip Morris.

But that’s not even the gayest movie we’ll see this season.  No, Ricky Martins, the gayest movie in this year’s C bag has got to be Burlesque:

Finally a GAY Moulin Rouge. This should have been a Halloween movie since it stars the immortal queen of the vampires… Stanley Tucci.

Wait, wait…not Tooch.  Cher.  I imagine her back is now just a zipper they keeping taking in an inch at a time.

I mean I know she’s getting older and probably sold her soul to the devil but seriously.  He face has just gotten smoother while everything else has gotten tighter.

I do, however, have an idea of what she did with her extra skin….

Somebody needs a pee pee and you can’t just get donor skin from any stranger off the street!

Both Cher and Chaz have truly become their inner butterflies.

KINDA WANNA SEE

I too wanted to escape from Pittsburgh when I first landed there at the tender age of 19…three years ago…so I definitely understand why Russell Crowe wants out in The Next Three Days.

However I grew to love the city and all it has to offer.  Here’s my problem: Pittsburgh may not have the caché of a New York, London, or Tallahassee but thanks to the Western Pennsylvanian renaissance, who wants to escape from there now?

If they had wanted it to be exciting, they should have escaped from somewhere really scary….say… Detroit.

(Artist’s depiction of Motown as seen from Windsor)

I’m not talking out of my ass on this one, having spent an unfortunate amount of time in the Paris of the Midwest.  I realize most of the middle of this country is a culture wasteland but Detroit’s biggest artistic offerings are songs recorded in the basement of a duplex.  It’s filled with cars nobody wants, neighborhoods nobody lives in, and Mexican food nobody should eat.  Canada is south of the border here, folks!

So the Crowe busts Elizabeth Banks out…  What’s scary about Pittsburgh?

The Pittsburgh Jailhouse has rightly been mistaken by many to be river front condos.

Once you’re out, you find yourself in one of the more happening downtown areas this side of 49^th and 9^th.

People don’t break out of jail in Detroit because it has…you know…glass windows whereas some of the other buildings aren’t so lucky.

If you escaped from the Detroit city jail you’d find yourself in a demilitarized zone where the rules of law have ceased to be uttered let alone followed.

Pittsburgh:

Detroit:

Pittsburgh:

Detroit:

da’ Burgh:

The D:

I’m not sure if my ransom notes are getting out but I assume some day Los Angeles or New York will find them tucked into my empty Faygo bottles.  (Google Faygo…even I have to admit it’s delicious)

You speak the truth, T Baby.  It is, indeed, so very, very, cold in the D.

WOULDN’T GO IF YOU PAID ME…(no really this time I’m not going!)

I’m just going to put it out there.  Harry Potter is gay.

There are plenty of other “fans” who appear to agree with me

However, I’m not speaking in the “prefers-the-company-of-men-with-a-future-and–women-with-a-past” kind of way, mind you.   No, pussies, I’m speaking in the sophomoric derogatory way.  Re-tah-ded.  Cabbage.  Detroitian.

As one of the elite class of men who might take offense to such a term used in such a way, I am claiming participant privilege.  You get to say the G word, the N word, the C word, the J word, the Btch word, the Chnk work, the Spck word, the Polock word all you want when you are one.  (Let it fly, Kwiaczowski…!)  Get on your knees boys and you too can claim The Buffalo Bills are ‘gay’ all you want.  “Dude, the Bills are the gayest gays that every gayed a gay…now pull down your pants so we can tailgate.”

Hopefully, one day, I too will be on an Oprah intervention special dealing with gratuitous use of the word “gay” and the subsequent subjugation of thousands of young, twinky boys to lives of fabulous pacifism and sentimentality because our best and brightest gay rap stars use them as props in their lavish music videos.  Ssssssslap that assss, Fitty!  Or do you prefer Missssster Ssssssscent?

(One must check one’s crotch to make sure one’s cock hasn’t been pinched)

I’m just going to come out.  I hate Harry Potter.  I have from the beginning.  Oh Lord, how I tried!  I tried to find my innocent fucking wonder but either I never had it to begin with or HP doesn’t give me a nostalgic woody like those of my generation who remember what it was like to be a grand wizard.

I get it.  Harry is the Christ child of wizards.  But here’s my issue: why do all the other wizards around him seem like such ret-ah-ded cabbage?  And why is Harry such a Detroitian no matter how many movies he lives through?  He was new at first but he’s grown up now.  The kid is twirling his golden snitches all over New York.

It’s like they’re asking me to believe that terrorists are taking over the world and the only people who can save us are the 90210 kids.  I have enjoyed many other gifted child finds his power and saves the world movies…I think Secret of My Success is very underrated…but in this case I just don’t buy it.

I hate Harry Potter.

A weight has been lifted off my shoulders today.  Dan Savage is right…it gets better.

Keep reaching for that rainbow-colored gravy!

LYMI,
Z