FIERCE ANTICIPATION: The Zachary Halley/Rainbow Coalition Edition

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a substitue blogumn by Zac Halley

Ryan Dixon’s hiatus continues as he is dealing with his recent divorce and partial dismemberment and reattachment of certain extremities at the hand of his Guatemalan bride.

It is with great pride that I take over the mantle of FA.  I have appeared in this hallowed spot before with an occasional quoted witticism as Dixon’s gay roommate as well as a rant about how much I loathed The Merry Gentleman (still one of the worst movies I’ve ever had the displeasure to sit through.)  So turn up the Lady Gaga, don the feather boa and tiara if you are lucky enough to own a pair, and join me on this, the gayest edition of FA ever!

FIERCELY ANTICIPATING

I know, I know.  I’m supposed to say I can’t wait to see this:

I think most gays and (Universal Pictures is hoping) most straights share a common attraction to Matt Damon.  Let’s be honest…he’s hot.

Aw… Look at that little cutie telling us his math related psychological problems. Yeah, Mattie!  Let it all out for Daddy!!

Some gays will probably seek out Easier with Practice starring some blond hottie:

His name is Brian Geraghty…but does it really matter? Grip that long board, blue eyes!

And it’s a pretty safe bet most gays and I will share another evening with Channing Tatum in the nightly showings of this classic:

…drool…  Let’s just have a few more picture of Chatum.

There’s a Cobra shooting at you right now, Channie…

But the movie that will speak most truthfully to nearly all gays will most likely be Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

When I saw this trailer with my boyfriend and our sister wife, Dan, I noticed all the straight people in the theater were laughing.  We three queens, however, were sitting there trying to smile but transported back through a sea of Square One Vodka chased with recreational prescription drugs to memories no amount of days at the gym or studded leather could expunge.

Most of my 7th and 8th grade years are a blur to me.  I can’t tell you much about what I did during…let’s call it 1998 and 1999 (shut up…I’m white knuckling my youth all the way to esthetician who buys Botox by the gallon…  I still get carded…by nearsighted waitresses…)   I know I was in a production of Lil’ Abner when I told Paul Everman he had ‘bedroom eyes’ only half-knowing what that meant and I was also in the boys choir when I had to sing the tenor line solo as punishment for staring at David Shaw’s calves without really knowing why.  I knew I wanted them wrapped around me but I wasn’t sure what we might do after we were in that position.

I know things are changing.  Will and Grace is in syndication for god’s sakes.  Wimpy kids are coming out in middle school now.  At least someone can help America’s fat girls start those eating disorders a little sooner by sitting with them at lunch and judging what they eat.

KINDA WANNA SEE

As is the way with all gays, I have tepid interest in many things upcoming.  One of the defense mechanisms the cleverest Liza-lovers develop is never showing more than a tepid interest in anything.  We live most of our lives here in KWS.  Academy Awards…? Eh…  Televised bipartisan health care summit…?  Beh…  Second coming of Jesus Christ…!  Do we get seats up front…?  Then pass…

That said there are a few things at which I’m looking down my nose at without turning it up.

Johnny Depp’s latest drag performance as Bette Midler looks interesting.

As does Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler’s gripping portrayal of a love story for the ages, that of Dawg and Mrs. Bounty Hunter.

But I must admit that I’m contemplating considering thinking about attending Puppetry of the Penis [Ed. note: Click on the link, but be warned, really NSFW].  Thank god for Germany’s sadistic attitudes about sexual organs both real and imagined as they’ve allowed us to actually see the penises in question that were censored from all American television save HBO. There is something to be said for a penis long enough to simulate a wrist watch or a cheeseburger.  Everyone can admire or at least marvel at such an organ.  That’s what West Hollywood’s Coast Playhouse is hoping. The problem with PotP is tickets are about $110 for a 30 minute show of cocksmanship.  If I’m going to pay a buck ten in Weho, one of the penises getting bent better be mine so we’ll see whether this ends up happening or not.

Without revealing too much about myself, I have considered my own puppet show but as cold as it’s been in Los Angeles these past few months, I’m probably only capable of a bio-pic of Scooter the Gobot seen here after a rough break up with hunky Gobot swim team captain, Dive Dive.

Dude, I’m not gay or nothing…but you wanna put your periscope in my tailpipe?

But I digress…

WOULDN’T GO IF YOU PAID ME

Lest this blogumn devolve any further into a gay minstrel show, I turn to the one place I’m sure to never be caught dead.

No friends, not NASCAR with it’s victory spray downs…

Have you ever gotten sprayed in the eye Gordon…?  It BURNS!!

… or UFC Championship with it’s face to nuts leg locks…


I have some pink shorts just like that.

… or heading out to Afghanistan on a navy cruiser banking on the efforts of Obamaroo to repeal DADT…

I was totally fascinated by this picture as a 14 year old boy.  I was certain it was because it was “so artistic.”

No pussies, the gayest thing I won’t be doing this weekend is seeing Adam Lambert in concert at the Fantasy Springs Resort and Casino in Indio, CA.  Flambert will be screeching his way through a concert of his Britney Spears reject songs this weekend in the middle of the desert where most wounded animals and fags over 45 go to die.

Despite the high recommendation of the FS website hailing Flambert’s accomplishment of having the number one selling American Idol contestant song release of the week of January 26th (that’s right…#1 of the week folks!) I’d sooner wait a week and see Paul Anka.  I don’t understand this kid.  I don’t get the attraction.  I don’t wear eye make-up on a daily basis so perhaps I’m out of touch with his target audience.  If you ask me the vultures are circling overhead for this one.  Maybe he’s just not gay enough.

I’ve always believed there’s no fiercer anticipation than gay anticipation so reach for that rainbow, boys and girls, and I’ll see you at the Abbey.  Meet me in the back with a cosmo!