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Fierce in Seattle: Wired


a blogumn by Kelli Bielema

I am a loser. I don’t have an iPhone. I live in the most wired city in America, so you can understand the pressure to fit in and have that sleek little packet of apps (which are fancy phone/computer applications, not appetizers, much to my chagrin).  You can listen to music, look at photos, watch fucking movies!!!…oh, and the ability to make telephone calls.


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I have the poor man’s iPhone, a Samsung—uh, I don’t know what it is. I can’t be bothered with that kind of crap.  I call it my robot computer phone.  I’m so incredibly technologically void that it’s a wonder I can even turn the thing on. It makes super-annoying rings with every appointment that is synced to my calendar.  It keeps reminding you until you hit “dismiss.” And you can’t hit “dismiss” until you unlock it. FUCK!  It won’t accept photos even though I pay for this feature. Yeah, I keep forgetting to call Verizon about it. In essence, technology and I aren’t such BFFs.

The cool thing about Seattle and technology is that Wi-Fi is everywhere. It’s not only in cafés and bars but it’s also on the stinking bus, yo! And you can get more than a wireless internet connection at a coffee house, you can actually get coffee!

Seattle, home of Starbucks, Tully’s and uh, doy, Seattle’s Best, is astoundingly number 2 on the Most Caffeinated City list, having been beat out by Tampa, Florida. Tampa? Hot coffee and muggy Florida sound like an awful combination if you ask me.  I am delighted to admit I enjoy a soy latte in addition to my daily drip, but now there is an entire cult of cuppers. Cupping is coffee’s wine-tasting cousin and it comes with its own snotty following (not sure if pun is intended).  Coffee joints like Stumptown, Vivace, and Victrola are awesome institutions of the junk and must be administered with the equal great care that is taken in creating their own individual artistry. Yeah, it’s intense, man. 

Some people would be miserable without their hit of the bean, but there’s no misery in the Emerald City, no sir! It’s not on the list of America’s Most Miserable Cities!  Our neighbor to the south, Portland tops the list. That comes as surprise to most of my NorPac friends as Portland is beautiful, artistic and for crying out loud, they have no sales tax!?!?!!!  So, even with a rep as the suicide capital, Seattle is a pretty happy place. And so am I so let’s go get a mochalattechino and take our iBooks into a public toilet!