God Reportedly Nervous About North Dakota Personhood Amendment; Could Be Facing 6 Million Counts Of Murder

Bismarck, ND – Friday
By Joshua Mauldin

A source speaking in omnipotence divulged this morning that The Almighty is “more than a little worried” about an amendment to the North Dakota constitution that would define life at conception and award a zygote all rights of citizenship.”If lawmakers decide to prosecute retroactively, the Ancient of Days could be facing over six million counts of murder.”

When pressed about why miscarriage was built into the divine plan in the first place, the source explained that flippantly discarding fertilized eggs is all a part of the Alpha and the Omega’s mysterious ways. “He knew you before he formed you in the womb but sometimes he’s just not that into you.”

Ephraim Abramowitz, legal representative for the Hope of Israel, says proving YHWH’s complicity in a prematurely terminated pregnancy won’t be hard. “If it can be shown that the mother did nothing to warrant a miscarriage, we’re screwed. Adonai’s penchant for aborticide is well established.”

Abramowitz points to the Old Testament as more than enough to establish precedent. “Good luck convincing a jury that the Amalek slaughter wasn’t a wholesale edict to murder, among everyone else, the unborn Amalekite children. El Shaddai’s bloody fingerprints are all over that book.”

To sway the opinion of North Dakota voters, I Am has formed a Super PAC aimed at presenting scientific evidence against the early consciousness of embryos, but Abramowitz isn’t optimistic. “He’s been poisoning their minds against science for so long, I doubt they’ll consider it. But hey, mysterious ways right?”

Image Credit: thinkprogress.org