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Good Men Pay For Sex? [Ask Dr. Miro: What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class]
Dear Dr. Miro,
Can you be a good man AND pay a woman for sex? I just found out that while I was working overseas, for a year, my husband not only went to strip clubs with his friends but also saw a prostitute and this is freaking me out.
I always thought of him as so respectful and loving, but now I see him as a monster female exploiter! Not only that but he cheated on me! He says it’s not cheating and that he loves and adores only me but I’m just confused and questioning everything that I thought was sacred in our life together.
Sincerely,
Hurt & Confused
Dear H&C,
Of course you are hurt and feeling confused. This was not anticipated. It is understandable you would have intense feelings of inadequacy, questions regarding the “sanctity of marriage” as well as possible emerging issues of abandonment. Those are all OK to have, at this moment. Feel your feelings. Discuss with your betrothed what is so upsetting to you and try to truly hear what he says. Get it all out so that this will not continue to rear it’s ugly head. A lot of the time, couples argue about things that have nothing to do with the actual feelings that may or may not be coming up. This is more than likely triggering your attachments to each other. He may fear that you will not love him anymore while you fear that you are not good enough…
Time apart is so very difficult and it is important to acknowledge both that AND how hard it is to come back together after even a few days, let alone a year. This is tricky territory. If you feel the two of you cannot traverse it in a grown-up, hear each other out and get over it manner, PLEASE consider enlisting the assistance of a Couple’s Counselor who is educated in regards to the sex industry.
But in answer to your question: YES! Yes, you can most definitely be a “good man” and pay a woman, or anyone else for that matter, for sexual services. In fact, if you can attempt to remove your hurt emotions, for just a moment, from the reality of the situation, this is the best thing your husband could have possibly done for your relationship. By keeping his desires met on a purely business transaction level, he was preventing any type of emotional bonding with another woman. From what you wrote, it sounds as if he was maintaining his physical needs while retaining his deep feelings for you. Paying for sex does not imply exploitation if everyone is on board with the deal. Enlisting the services of a Sex Worker strikes me as the most respectful measure your hubby could have taken, given the circumstances. That does not change the fact that you feel cheated. Explore those feelings with him and on your own. Re-frame and view this is an opportunity for incredible growth and closeness in your relationship.
Lust & Happiness,
Dr. Miro
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featured image credit: Ken Yonekura
What a sad comment on what we think of the men we love and who supposedly love us. Really? He can’t control himself while his love is away – no matter how long? Seriously? Come on! There appears to be a lack of communication here in spite of this age of instant electronic access. Should have been – “Lover – I miss you so much and am counting the days until you’re home.” Instead the message was “Hey honey, I need some loving, but you’re not here so I’m going to go boink the hooker down the street.” Good grief!
Yes. They definitely need to take advantage of Skype/FaceTime/IChat/etc… Who knows how the situation actually went down (besides her and her husband). I agree with the sad commentary implied in your reading of this as regarding a man not being able to control himself. Communication. Communication. Communication.
I think the biggest thing missing from the response is, there are many different acceptable types of relationships, some you may or may not agree with, but the basis of ANY good relationship is proper communication. Clearly this couple does not have that, more likely, it was strongly implied in their marriage vows, and this cad abused them and the came back with a typical male line “hey, that’s just the way I am”, which is the biggest cop out and lie this side of the pecos. Really, if it wasn’t a big deal to him, then he should’ve talked with his wife before he became a complete loser. And what if she had done this to him, would you just say, “oh, he’ll get over”. I’d bet you a million dollars that wouldn’t fly.
I consider myself very open to new ideas and ways of thought, but this is both a contract and a life choice. They entered into an agreement, and if she shocked because she wasn’t expecting this, well then, she’s not the one who breached the contract (I’m referring to both the legal and emotional contract).
She needs support to kick him to the curb, not a statement of “oh, he’s still a good man”. That’s rubbish, he’s a cad and needs to be brought down a notch.
I do understand your response and agree with it to a certain extent. However, I feel like sometimes folks figure out how to really be open and communicate through their mistakes. Perhaps if they feel that there is enough other “good” stuff in the relationship they will be able to get through this stronger with better skills for the future. There are many instances in which couples emerge on entirely new and greater levels after massive upsets such as this (and after a ton of work is put in on themselves individually, and as a couple). Then again, maybe they won’t. It’s hard to tell from H&C’s letter.
Hi Doctor,
I now see your approach to this subject. But as someone who considers himself a bit of a free thinker, this still rubs me the wrong way.
One last comment; in this situation, he is not a “good” man, even though, as you say, he may have other “good” qualities. He can, as all of us do, learn from our mistakes, maybe (but doubtful, he’ll just make sure to keep his transgressions quite), but your statement,
“YES! Yes, you can most definitely be a “good man” and pay a woman, or anyone else for that matter, for sexual services. In fact, if you can attempt to remove your hurt emotions, for just a moment, from the reality of the situation, this is the best thing your husband could have possibly done for your relationship. ” Is downright irresponsible. You’re giving him the pass to say, “See honey, professionals agree, it’s ok to cheat on you. I’m still a good man.”My issue is with the statement that you seem to hinge on her “hurt” emotions. So, when she no longer “hurts” from him having sex whenever he wants, with whomever he wants, everything will be ok.I’m gonna try that with my wife and see how it flies. (you can read my obit, in next week’s LA TIMES).I applaud your libertine point of view, but let’s not let someone off the hook so easily.
The hell you will Seen Robinson.
To be clear, I do not condone lying, cheating or other breaches of faith and contracts. What I do support is people learning from their mistakes and creating better versions of themselves as they progress through life. My mistake when answering this query was in responding to the actual question and not the implications. It is true that he most definitely transgressed a pact they made in their wedding vows and that is unacceptable. I would never encourage or applaud such behavior. However, I stick by my thinking regarding this couple possibly being able to overcome this very difficult situation and reach a stronger bond once all this stuff is on the table.
And yes, I do agree with how if it wasn’t a big deal he should’ve broached the topic prior to seeking professional services.
I am greatly enjoying this discussion. Thank you so much for bringing your views forward!!
Hi Dr., I believe we’re having a semantic disagreement. I’m fixating on “this is the best thing your husband could have possibly done for your relationship”.And you’re leaning towards, he can learn from his mistakes. My issue is that he is not a “good” man until after he has learned from his mistakes, which we don’t know he will do (based on his prior “bad” behavior. He may very well be a good man, but he has some serious work to do. And just to follow up on your last statement, I read your columns all the time, and have a great deal of respect for your work and your view of the world. This just struck me as “off the mark”, so thank you for not taking offense, as none was meant. I look forward to your next article.
Agreed.
No offense was even hinted at! I really love a good discussion and appreciate all you have had to say. I feel I was slightly remiss in not including a few of the excellent points you and Ernessa both brought up.
Until next time….
I almost always agree with Dr. Miro, and I agree that if they want to stay together, they should definitely seek out a couple’s therapist. However, the fact that he didn’t tell her until AFTER his transgression, makes it seem that this guy is less about communication and more about having the relationship he wants on HIS terms. In other words: this is some ol’ cake-eating ish if I’ve ever seen it.
I worry that if she continues on in this relationship, it will always be her settIng HER feelings aside in order to accomodate HIS needs. In any case, I think it’s more important for her to figure out if 1) She wants this sort of open relationship. Real talk: if she’s overseas a bunch, that could work out both ways, and 2) If he’s teachable enough to learn to communicate his needs before taking action to meet them. Even if #1 turns out to be negotiable, I have a feeling that #2 is the real sticker here. A lot of couples have trouble reconciling that they love each other but want to be in two different kinds of relationships and therefore “try to make it work” as opposed to getting out while the getting is good.
I completely agree that this is a MAJOR communication issue! Yes, he should have expressed his wants prior to any transgressions but he didn’t. I’m not even sure how this information came to light which would greatly influence how to navigate these murky waters. In no way, shape or form should she be beholden to his needs while forgoing her own. It is important for them, and all of us, to be able to feel like we can approach our mates with all of our desires.
My response was mainly to H&C’s actual question of whether or not paying for sex defines a man as being “good” or not.
The question of what kind of relationship they want (and/or have) needs to be addressed – of course! This, again, applies to everyone.
I’m shocked by this “advice.” I’m tempted to conclude that Dr. Miro is not married and/or is not qualified to give marital advice. (Does Dr. Miro even have a PhD?) And as others have pointed out, “Hurt & Confused” was clear to say that she only just now found out about what her husband had been up to over the past year, meaning he was not open and forthright with her, yet “Dr. Miro” didn’t comment on the importance of open communication until his readers pointed it out to him… And just the general tone in which the advice is given — that the woman must reframe HER thinking about the situation, while the husband did “the best thing [he] could have possibly done for your relationship”…Wow. I strongly encourage the original poster to seek out a real therapist.
Dr. Miro does have a Ph.D. and as she said below, she was responding to the stated question of can you be a good person and pay for sex. She also advises them to seek couple’s therapy.
I’ll direct you to the thread between her and Seen below, which I found really interesting and thoughtful.
I understand and respect your opinion. As you can see in my comment below, I found the same line problematic.
But after reading over Dr. Miro’s thoughtful responses, I’ve come to the conclusion that Dr. Miro is right in that the sticking point to him being good isn’t that he paid for sex, but the fact that he didn’t communicate with his wife. If she wants to save this relationship (which frankly, I don’t think she should), then she’ll have to reframe her thinking, in that the paid sex isn’t the MAIN thing, it’s a repercussion of the MAIN THINGS, which is really about communication, respect, and expectations.
And though, “the best thing” line stuck in my craw, too, at the end of the day, if a relationship isn’t working, sometimes these things are for the best, because they bring things to a head. I’m reminded of an issue with an ex that we just couldn’t resolve. At the time I thought he was a bad person for not meeting my needs, but now I feel his refusal to do so was the absolute best thing he could have done for our relationship, because it brought about its end.
One last thing, thank you so much for your comment, but we do not abide personal attacks on the blog. Dr. Miro is a lovely person. Please keep future comments on topic and respectful.