Intimate Toddler Problem: Ask Dr. Miro (What You Didn’t Learn in Health Class)
Dear Dr. Miro,
Is it normal for a four year old to touch herself down there? I don’t want to give my daughter a complex but it makes me really uncomfortable. How do I make her stop? Her pre-school teacher told me that she keeps rubbing against things in the middle of the class room! I’m not a prude, but this is totally embarrassing, especially when she does it in front of Grandma in the living room.
Help!
Sincerely,
Mommy Freak Out
Dear MFO,
It is perfectly normal for children to touch themselves. If it feels good, why would you not? Just like adults, children have different levels of desire in regards to touch and sexual feelings. They are individuals. The problem comes with ill-defined conceptions of time and place. Many children pick up clues of what is and is not appropriate while others do not. How you react to your daughter’s early sexual explorations, regardless of your (dis-)ease, is super important as it will effect her throughout her life in ways she may not even realize.
Children can read discomfort on adults much more clearly than you may believe. Explain the concept of time and place. Most kids understand there are certain things you do in public and other things you keep to yourself. I do not believe you should figure out how to make her stop touching herself. Merely tune her in to where and when is appropriate.
She probably knows, by now, it is not acceptable to poop on Grandma’s rug, right? Utilize this fully developed concept. Acknowledge what is going on before it sinks into her subconscious as a filthy thing to be ashamed of. Have a heart to heart with your budding lass. Something along the lines of, “I know it feels good, but touching your body is best done during independent playtime – when you are alone. Just like you use the potty, now that you are a big girl, you can do this by yourself!” Of course, use whatever phrasing is most applicable to your child but I think you get the gist: Acknowledge. Grant permission. Create a safe space.
Lust & Happiness,
Dr. Miro
featured image credit: Geeky Bird
Totally normal. In our family we tell the kids it’s ok in the bathtub and in their beds, but no hands in the pants in public. Also, if you haven’t already, it’s probably a good time to talk to her about who can touch her under her clothes (no one but her if she’s an independent wiper/bather, no one but parents/caregivers if she’s not). The more you start talking about stuff like this with your kids, the easier it gets. Good luck.
I especially agree with Guest on the “who” part. it’s normal for kids to explore their bodies and try to understand why things are they way they are, but without being self-aware, they might not understand that while it’s ok for them to explore themselves, it’s not ok for other to do the same to them. I could go on a rant about this. But often kids don’t understand boundaries, especially when it comes to other people and their bodies, because they aren’t sexually aware. All they know of being touched is pure, non-sexual love from parents, relatives, and friends. I know it’s tough for parents to talk about. But truly, it’s just as important as taking your child to get all of their vaccines, and even more so than learning the alphabet, and how to behave at dinner. Let your child be themselves, but also let them, in a gentle yet understanding way, know that not everyone is the same. And that’s what makes us all so very interesting. Also, being open to questions and brutally honest answers on these occasions are best.
You’re right. That discussion is just as important as other traditional stuff that parents are told to talk to their kids about. Miro, thanks so much for answering this question!
Thank you Guest & Jenny for your excellent ideas and points! The kids just react to our reactions so if you can handle this like any other issue we can have more children comfortable and aware of their bodies. Who has access to these bodies is incredibly important. I appreciate you bringing this up!
The idea of “Bad Touch” is so hammered into us that “Good Touch” is left, well, untouched.
Thanks….and on a lighter note, to every parent who has a male child, please do expect him to have his hand down his pants almost all the time, welllllllll into his 30’s. Seriously.
Perhaps into his 90’s…
That’s a fantastic idea. Use it as a segue to make sure she also knows what touch is appropriate from others.