It’s the End of the World as we Know it, but Thanks to Obamacare we’ll all Feel Fine [HorroR Stories]

I work part-time for a company and have been there for about six years. Recently, I was told by my manager that he was going to have to cut my hours because I had already worked 1,000 hours for the year and that makes me eligible for benefits.

This made me stop and think that something is wrong. It doesn’t seem like I’ve worked more than usual, my schedule is pretty consistent, yet this is the first time this has come up. And, I’m not getting benefits, just my hours cut, but if I already hit the 1,000 hours mark then don’t they have to give me benefits?

–I Need a Doctor

Dear Need,

Short answer: probably.

Let me start my long answer by saying what I say about sixty two times a day: “What does your employee handbook say?” Right now, in what I like to call the POBSM (Pre-Obamacare Bat Shit Madness) era, what benefits you are eligible for is very much dictated by what your company policy is.

Many companies make benefits available to certain classes of employees (i.e. “Full-time” vs. “Part-time”) and then they define what those classes mean. So, it sounds like you hit some sort of threshold where you have now switched from ineligible to eligible and your employer doesn’t seem to want to follow its own policy.

Not knowing your company policy, and based solely on what you say above, it does sound like something is fishy here in Denmark, and you should call your HR Department or your local litigation bulldog or the state or federal acronym of your choice: EBSA (Employee Benefits Security Administration), DHHS (Department of Health & Human Services), FEHA (Fair Employment & Housing, which is where I would probably start if you are in CA), etc.

However, you should start with your HR Department. At the very least they can explain to you the company policy and what exactly is happening here, because it’s not clear to me, and I wonder if it’s clear to you. And if their explanation sounds like they are cutting your hours to keep you ineligible, well then, pull out your phone book.

Remember those? (For my younger readers: pull out the Google).

(Side note: if you have already worked 1,000 hours this year, and by year they mean calendar year, then I hate to break it to you and your manager, but you are full-time. An honest-to-goodness full-time person probably hasn’t worked 1,000 hours yet this year. Most full years are 2,080 working hours (40 hrs/week X 52). Unless they mean fiscal year, and your fiscal year is different than calendar year, something is REALLY wrong here).

But next year? Woo hoo! Next year, the dreaded 20-14, or what I like to call the POSBM (Post-Obamacare Bat Shit Madness) (I’m not very creative with acronyms) era, everything is going to explode! Yes, it’s true, if Fox News and Congress and every other weird random opinion expressed by people who probably have no clue, 2014 is going to kill us all.

And that’s ironic, because for many of us (and by “us” I mean Americans), this will be the first time we’ve had actual health care. But we’ll be dead, or gripped in the throes of some sort of we’re-all- actually- able-to-see-a-doctor-instead-of-going-to-the-ER-and-giving-a-fake-social-security-number apocalypse. So the joke’s on us, I suppose. Ha!

(Side note #2: do you know, and you probably do, that the House of Representatives has voted to repeal Obamacare 37 times? 37. And each time they knew it was folly because they knew it wouldn’t get past the Senate or signed by the namesake himself. They did it again last week. And, when asked why in the world any rational, intelligent, person would waste their time on such a ridiculous exercise, I think it was the Speaker himself who said that they had some new members in the House who hadn’t yet had a chance to vote on Obamacare, and they wanted to give them that chance.

Well, golly, cuz we were all holding our breath to know what the newly elected Republican representatives thought about Obamacare. The only futile exercise that I’ve performed 37 times is to get a year older every June (I even went above and beyond the House of Representatives and did that a couple more times).

Can you imagine at your job, doing a task that no one wanted you to do and didn’t need to be done? Can you imagine doing it 37 times)?!

Disclaimer alert! I am focusing on one very specific piece of the Affordable Care Act and there are lots of other parts, and even in the piece I’m focusing on I’m being fairly general to spare word count and sheer utter boredom.

Ok, let me reel it back in here and get to my point. Why should you care about pre- or post- or who’s-it-called-care? In 20-14, all full-time employees must be covered by the company’s (if the company has 50 or more full-time employees) health plan and the government (instead of the employer) is going to define what a full-time employee is.

And a full-time employee is someone who is employed for at least 30 hours of service per week. Hours of service include: hours worked, vacation, holiday, sick leave, jury duty, FMLA (paid or unpaid).

Let’s say that you don’t work a set-schedule, some weeks you work 35 hours, some you work 25.

Well, the government has come up with this nifty thing called a “measurement period” and if during that period, you worked an average of 30 hours a week then you are considered full-time during a future “stability period.”

Oh, and if you are a new hire with the expectation that you will be working at least 30 hours per week you must be offered coverage that takes effect no later than the 91^st day of employment. They re-evaluate you during an administrative period, so if you fall below the average, then look out, at the end of your stability period, it’s COBRA city for you. But then you get re-evaluated again during the next administrative period and so on and so on.

How fucking nuts is this? Who came up with this madness?

Here’s the best part about the measurement period: The employer establishes what that period is and it can be between 3-12 months. Also, it can be different for salaried vs. hourly employees, or employees in different states. The stability period is the greater of 6 months or the measurement period.

An example: I don’t have an example. This truly doesn’t make one whit of sense to me. I even Googled it, read all the stupid power point presentations my broker has been sending me and it still doesn’t make any bleeding sense. It’s hopeless, we’re all doomed. Bring on the explosions and the before mentioned apocalypse. Your question has broken me. Obamacare is Madame HR kryptonite, well played sir.

Well friends, this is truly the worst day of my life, a day when I seem to be agreeing with my hated friends in Congress. It’s painful, because I want to love Obamacare, just like I wanted to love the movie Moulin Rouge, but I just don’t get it.

I mean, why do they have to make everything so blasted complicated in this freaking country? Why? Why does Nicole Kidman have to sing? Why? And I don’t blame Obama, I don’t really blame anybody (except maybe the Dutch, but that’s a different post entirely).

Here’s what we are going to do, stay with me. We have to work together to stave off the inevitable explosions and apocalypses that Obamacare is bringing our way in 20-14.

Because we all believe, right? Healthcare is great, right? Yes! Yes it is! And we all deserve it right? Yes! Yes we do! Especially you, who seems to be in need of a doctor but for some baffling reason has written to me instead. Go see a doctor! Give them a fake social security number, they’ll never find you! Please, all this crap will be waiting for you when you come back.

How do we win? How do we fight the battles against Fox News and the zombies who now ironically have health care? Resist the hype; know what you are entitled to. GO TO YOUR OPEN ENROLLMENT MEETINGS. Here’s what you really need to know, because, let’s be honest, you aren’t going to remember most of this:

1.  If you usually average 30 hours a week then you should be eligible for benefits next year.
2.  And to answer your immediate question, if your company has this 1,000 hour rule and you seem to have broken it then you are eligible for benefits right now.

Either way you should talk to your HR Department, become familiar with the current company policy and how they are going to be calculating all that “measurement period” and “stability period” crap.

And if they are reducing your hours simply to save money and to keep you from reaching the eligibility mark, CALL THE POLICE! Call them right now!

So I know what you’re all thinking, cause I’m thinking it too—anyone else want to go part-time?! Averaging 30 hours a week seems pretty hunky dory to me. And the thought that I can do reduce my hours and still have access to the mediocre HMO plan I currently have with the bizarre co-pay schedule? Whoopee! I love Obamacare! Screw you Congress and your healthcare apocalypse! Who’s with me? Anyone?

Good luck out there,

Mme HR

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