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Multicellular Organisms To See “Scary Movie 5” [Daily News Brief]

Hollywood, CA – 2pm PST
By Joshua Mauldin

AccuraPoll, the company commissioned by major studios to set box office expectations, shocked the industry this morning by announcing that, despite having viewed the trailer, a small fraction of multicellular organisms plan to attend screenings of Scary Movie 5 this weekend. Davis Champlagne, chief executive in charge of tracking the franchise’s fifth installment, could hardly believe the news. “We expected this behavior from unicellular animals, dormant viruses already attached to the seats or bacteria floating in the theater air, but organisms capable of complex biological processes?”

Further confusing the matter, AccuraPoll says homo sapiens, a highly evolved member of the Hominidae family, are the offending organisms. “We showed the trailer to cats, dogs, raccoons, lizards, bears, fruit flies, etc and always received one of two results: exasperated frustration or utter indifference.” Koko, a gorilla capable of understanding sign language, rolled her eyes through the first minute, mimicked a masturbation gesture through the second and upon recognizing both Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, vigorously hurled feces at the screen. With a reaction like that in gorillas, fellow hominids should naturally follow suit, but not all of them did. “A small portion chuckled, a few even laughed. We really don’t know what to make of it.”

Champlagne says that although their predictions are mostly accurate, they don’t always come to fruition. “We saw a similar phenomenon with The Host earlier this year but it turned out to be an error in data collection. Let’s hope we’re wrong about Scary Movie 5 too.”