Nerd in Transition: 90 Days

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a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett

Photo Credit: johnwilliamsphd

Friday marks my 90th day of not smoking marijuana. Three whole months without a joint, bong hit, pull on the pipe, blunt, or any sort of edible indulgence. For the past three months I have faced my emotions head on, clear head on that is. In no way has this been easy.

When I first started I went to MA meetings. I bought books at these meetings, including workbooks so I could work the 12 steps. I even read some of these books, but I never touched the workbook. I also stopped going to meetings about two weeks in, just not much of a joiner. Though it can get difficult at times I really am a loner. So to be stuck in a room full of people bitching about the same problem for an hour out of my day gets to be way too tedious for me, fast. Please don’t feel the need to lecture me about how it’s the strength of the group and being able to face problems together; I have an older sister who’s great at self-righteous lectures. In fact I’ll get one after she reads that sentence. I just seem to do better when I take things on alone.

Being alone has never frightened me. Whenever I am greatly interested in something I most often check it out alone, as I did when I went to a Derby Dolls fundraiser 6 years ago. When I do go to movies, I tend to go alone. Museums, hikes, gyms, diets, shopping, moving to new cities; these are all things I like to handle by myself. The exception would be nice restaurants. I will go out to eat and grab a table for one, but tables for two or more really are much more fun.

So when it came time to fix myself I set my mind to it and went at it. The first step was to stop smoking. There were a few false starts there, but I finally got it. The next step was to get through the first 30 days. I tried to blog about it when I hit day 18, maybe you read that blog, two days after it was posted I had to have it removed. This was against my will and the will of the Fierce and Nerdy editor. Angry as I was I moved on, determined to hit that 30 day mark. I felt like if I could do that, then there would be no stopping me.

The strange thing is that before I even got there I hit a point I had never hit before, I felt like a non-smoker. Every time I have tried to quit I’ve felt like a smoker that wasn’t smoking. This time there was a fundamental shift inside of me and I realized I had smoked past the point where I was still a smoker. I had smoked to point of addiction and now that I was facing it, I was no longer a smoker, just an addict. A marijuana addict, now I had something to deal with.

In dealing with this addiction for the past 90 days I have started doing things outside my comfort zone. Simple things like calling people to go on hikes with me. There is one person who I have called five times but has only been on one hike with me — doesn’t matter it’s the act of reaching out that matters. The other day I sent out Thank You cards to casting directors that I’d had meetings with, because it’s fucking professional and just plain nice. I caught a “friend” in a lie this weekend and it hurt. It sent me into a depression that could have ruined my week, but I didn’t confront her. Instead I cheated on my diet a little, ice cream and take out chicken, then went for a hike and let the situation tumble about in my brain. What occurred to me was cliche’ but effective; “you can’t let other people control your happiness.”

The best thing I am doing…..I was going to say working out hard again. Which I am! I’m doing the P90X program and it’s totally kicking my ass. But it isn’t the best thing I am doing. So then I was going to say that returning to a Methodist church is the best thing. It’s wonderful to be connected to God again, but that connection is everywhere. Then I thought reaching out to friends, but I’m still struggling with that one. Keeping my house clean. Meditating daily. Researching writing projects and WORKING on them. Getting my acting career back on track. Walking the dog everyday, no I always did that. Going on dates with professional men. that’s actually been kinda lame.

The best thing I am doing is not backing down from myself. Whenever I am hit with an unhappy memory I take a deep breath and let it go, willfully replacing it with a happy one. Whenever Facebook shows me just how unpopular I am with pictures and posts of BBQ’s I’m not invited too and other such events, I call up somebody else and make other plans. Whenever I have to lay on my back to zip up my fat pants, I look over to my crumpled up sports bra lying on the floor sweaty from that mornings workout. Whenever I feel desperate and sorry for myself I start to pray for other people. I am meeting myself full-on and running with the good, which is hard, because there sure is a lot of it.