Oh, It’s Tuesday: When, Say You, Lipstick?
So reading this Jezebel piece about girls wearing make-up at younger and younger ages has me somewhat disturbed. Sample statistic:
Four years ago, a survey by the NPD Group showed that, on average, women began using beauty products at 17. Today, the average is 13-and that’s got to be an overstatement. According to market-research firm Experian, 43 percent of 6- to 9-year-olds are already using lipstick or lip gloss; 38 percent use hairstyling products; and 12 percent use other cosmetics.
I myself didn’t start wearing makeup until college, and then only a little. However, I am dark-skinned, and dark-skinned girls today would be shocked by how very little was available to women of our skin tone back in the day. When I got back from a year abroad in Japan after college, MAC cosmetics seemed to be everywhere, but I couldn’t afford to even look at their products during my grad-school and starving artist years. The day I got offered my first full-time writing job, I went to the mall and spent $300 on make-up, just because I finally could.
Nowadays, I wear make-up, mostly because it’s 1) fun and 2) available — these are pretty much the same reasons I got a good education. In any case, I don’t wear make-up on a regular basis, just because it’s a hassle, and unless I’m going somewhere special, I rarely see any reason to spend more that 5 minutes on the non-hygienic part of my morning routine.
You probably won’t be surprised to hear that I’m MUCH better than my mother, who wore a dab of dark lipstick to work and to parties, and that was it.
According to the article, young girls are taking cues from their mothers, whose feelings towards make-up and cosmetic procedures are shaped by a fashion industry that’s been telling us for quite a while now that we should be trying to achieve overly-thin, airbrushed perfection.
One of the nicer things about living in L.A. is that you see a lot of stars and you soon realize that almost no one looks the way that they do on TV and in magazines in real life. It’s all make-up and airbrushing and lighting. That said, it’s also true that a noticeably larger segment of L.A.’s adult population spends more time on their appearance than just about anything else that they could be doing in their leisure time.
So though I know that Betty won’t pick up early make-up cues from me, I worry that she’ll be unduly influenced by her looks-obsessed peers.
Interestingly enough, if my 8-year-old boy said he wanted to wear guyliner to school, I would probably be like “Go for it. Knock yourself out.” But if Betty tried to walk out the house with a full face of make-up at the same age, I’d have reservations. Also, if she asked for a spa-day-themed birthday party (as reportedly is the new trend among girls) I’d be freaked out — though fairly sure I could make it happen, since we do live in L.A.
However, I do realize that she probably won’t be as austere in her make-up usage as I am. And that’s okay. Like I said, make-up is fun, and there’s nothing wrong with girls taking a little interest in it.
But when does one allow her child to start wearing make-up? Also, how do we teach our girls to tend to their appearance without become obsessed with it, or thinking it’s their most important form of social capital?
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I have two girls, 4 and 6. My 6 year old rarely — RARELY — ever asks me to wear make-up. Her sister, however, is OBSESSED. At one point, we bought her a set of play make-up that was all plastic, so she could put it on with actually putting any on. Then she earned a toy and her father took her to the toy store to pick something out. She picked a make-up kit. Her father, thinking that SURELY people weren't making REAL make up for children, bought it for her, only to get it home and opened to discover that it was real eye shadow, blush, lip stick, and glitter cream. At this point, it lives on the top of our fridge and when she has been exceptionally good, she gets to play with it, but it is all washed off before she can set a toe outside, and once it's gone, it's gone. She can buy her own when she's 15-ish and if she looks like a painted hussy when she's done putting it on, then I still won't let her out the door.
You know what, though? I'd much rather have her obsessed with make-up than looking in the mirror and calling herself fat.
I have two girls, 4 and 6. My 6 year old rarely — RARELY — ever asks me to wear make-up. Her sister, however, is OBSESSED. At one point, we bought her a set of play make-up that was all plastic, so she could put it on with actually putting any on. Then she earned a toy and her father took her to the toy store to pick something out. She picked a make-up kit. Her father, thinking that SURELY people weren't making REAL make up for children, bought it for her, only to get it home and opened to discover that it was real eye shadow, blush, lip stick, and glitter cream. At this point, it lives on the top of our fridge and when she has been exceptionally good, she gets to play with it, but it is all washed off before she can set a toe outside, and once it's gone, it's gone. She can buy her own when she's 15-ish and if she looks like a painted hussy when she's done putting it on, then I still won't let her out the door.
You know what, though? I'd much rather have her obsessed with make-up than looking in the mirror and calling herself fat.
Oh Anne, I am so scared of the mirror-fat thing happening, I could die. I have no idea how to avoid that, other than by trying to teach her that women of all body sizes are valuable and healthy is more important than skinny. But if she keeps on doing it, I'll probably just tell her to shut it and not put herself down in my presence.
Oh Anne, I am so scared of the mirror-fat thing happening, I could die. I have no idea how to avoid that, other than by trying to teach her that women of all body sizes are valuable and healthy is more important than skinny. But if she keeps on doing it, I'll probably just tell her to shut it and not put herself down in my presence.
The only thought I have about the make-up and how to teach healthy behaviors and whatnot comes from a comparison about glasses. I had glasses as a kid, as did my friend K. My mom bought me one pair of glasses and they had to last till the next prescription change. She was totally utilitarian about it and actually refused to buy me a slightly stylish pair before I went off to college. By that time I was wearing contacts and needed new glasses both for prescription and because the old ones were broken — I never wore the new pair if I could help it because I felt awful in them. K's mom would find cool, funky frames at a thrift store or wherever and so K had a couple of pairs that she could use as accessories to both her outfit and how she felt on a given day. To this day, she loves wearing her glasses, and I hate wearing mine, even though I buy whatever frames I want now (and recently bought some cool frames that I really like and think look good on me).
How does this apply to make-up? Not totally sure, except how you behave around it is everything. Maybe if make-up is clearly a fun *accessory* and not an issue for you, it'll be a fun accessory and not an issue for her..? Simplistic, I know, but I think that's the base of a lot of parental teaching — if you have an issue about something, you're going to pass it on to your kid unless you can learn to deal with it.
Also it might worth thinking more about why it would be ok for your boy to wear make-up but not your girl… I don't know, but it seems like there might be some insight there if you can dig it up.
The only thought I have about the make-up and how to teach healthy behaviors and whatnot comes from a comparison about glasses. I had glasses as a kid, as did my friend K. My mom bought me one pair of glasses and they had to last till the next prescription change. She was totally utilitarian about it and actually refused to buy me a slightly stylish pair before I went off to college. By that time I was wearing contacts and needed new glasses both for prescription and because the old ones were broken — I never wore the new pair if I could help it because I felt awful in them. K's mom would find cool, funky frames at a thrift store or wherever and so K had a couple of pairs that she could use as accessories to both her outfit and how she felt on a given day. To this day, she loves wearing her glasses, and I hate wearing mine, even though I buy whatever frames I want now (and recently bought some cool frames that I really like and think look good on me).
How does this apply to make-up? Not totally sure, except how you behave around it is everything. Maybe if make-up is clearly a fun *accessory* and not an issue for you, it'll be a fun accessory and not an issue for her..? Simplistic, I know, but I think that's the base of a lot of parental teaching — if you have an issue about something, you're going to pass it on to your kid unless you can learn to deal with it.
Also it might worth thinking more about why it would be ok for your boy to wear make-up but not your girl… I don't know, but it seems like there might be some insight there if you can dig it up.
Di! That's so interesting, b/c my mom was like your mom, and now I totally enjoy wearing glasses and taking chances w/ my one pair of frames a year. However, Delia from "Chic Geek" is like your friend, K, but I'm just too much of a nervous nellie to get more than one frame, since getting my glasses down from coke bottle size is so expensive, I don't want to take the chance on buying a pair of glasses I might not like in the long run. I think the issue might be choice. I always got to choose my own glasses growing up, but I understood that whatever I chose was what I would have to live with for the entire year.
As for make-up, the reason I would be on board with a boy wearing make-up is that I would think of it as exploring and trying new things and most importantly, not being a slave to our society's ridiculous gender rules. Also, my mom always let me wear potentially embarrassing things b/c in her opin, it was all "my choice."
The issue I would have with a girl wearing make-up is that I would be worried that she's not wearing it for fun, but because she feels the need to conform to societal pressures and look like everyone else. However, that all said, I went through a period of wanting to wear what everyone else wore and have a perm like everyone else had a perm. Only when I was allowed to actually experience these things, did I find out that I enjoyed (and was rewarded) for being different.
Di! That's so interesting, b/c my mom was like your mom, and now I totally enjoy wearing glasses and taking chances w/ my one pair of frames a year. However, Delia from "Chic Geek" is like your friend, K, but I'm just too much of a nervous nellie to get more than one frame, since getting my glasses down from coke bottle size is so expensive, I don't want to take the chance on buying a pair of glasses I might not like in the long run. I think the issue might be choice. I always got to choose my own glasses growing up, but I understood that whatever I chose was what I would have to live with for the entire year.
As for make-up, the reason I would be on board with a boy wearing make-up is that I would think of it as exploring and trying new things and most importantly, not being a slave to our society's ridiculous gender rules. Also, my mom always let me wear potentially embarrassing things b/c in her opin, it was all "my choice."
The issue I would have with a girl wearing make-up is that I would be worried that she's not wearing it for fun, but because she feels the need to conform to societal pressures and look like everyone else. However, that all said, I went through a period of wanting to wear what everyone else wore and have a perm like everyone else had a perm. Only when I was allowed to actually experience these things, did I find out that I enjoyed (and was rewarded) for being different.
No real insights, here….I've got a 4 year old daughter who adores dressing up, and prancing around in my high heels, and scarves, and lipstick. I think it's fine in the house, and in moderation. Like Di, I found your eyeliner comment particularly interesting. My sister's best friend just let her 6 year old son get his ears pierced (sparkly blue studs), in large part because she knew she'd have let him do it if he were a girl. I understand her thought process entirely, but still, I'm not sure I'd have made the same decision.
Interesting stuff…
Ayana, you bring up an important point about moderation. While reading all of these child-rearing books lately, I have begun to see how extreme a lot of them want you to be, and perhaps how moderation often gets overlooked. I used to think "no sweets whatsoever in the house" — now I wonder if I should get a cookie jar in order to teach my kids how to take one cookie as opposed to the whole package. Same goes for TV. And mayhap for make-up. We'll see. The image of your daughter prancing around in high heels and scarves is pretty cute.
As for earrings for boys, that's an interesting point. I got my ears pierced when I was 6 at my mother's insistence (yeah, i know, go figure) and I remember it being a huge hassle, b/c I kept on losing earrings — I'm still not great about holding on to them. So I wonder if kids can handle earrings at all. But I agree with your sister's friend on general principle. If it's something their sister is allowed to do, then they should be allowed to do it, too in my opin. And vice-versa.
No real insights, here….I've got a 4 year old daughter who adores dressing up, and prancing around in my high heels, and scarves, and lipstick. I think it's fine in the house, and in moderation. Like Di, I found your eyeliner comment particularly interesting. My sister's best friend just let her 6 year old son get his ears pierced (sparkly blue studs), in large part because she knew she'd have let him do it if he were a girl. I understand her thought process entirely, but still, I'm not sure I'd have made the same decision.
Interesting stuff…
Ayana, you bring up an important point about moderation. While reading all of these child-rearing books lately, I have begun to see how extreme a lot of them want you to be, and perhaps how moderation often gets overlooked. I used to think "no sweets whatsoever in the house" — now I wonder if I should get a cookie jar in order to teach my kids how to take one cookie as opposed to the whole package. Same goes for TV. And mayhap for make-up. We'll see. The image of your daughter prancing around in high heels and scarves is pretty cute.
As for earrings for boys, that's an interesting point. I got my ears pierced when I was 6 at my mother's insistence (yeah, i know, go figure) and I remember it being a huge hassle, b/c I kept on losing earrings — I'm still not great about holding on to them. So I wonder if kids can handle earrings at all. But I agree with your sister's friend on general principle. If it's something their sister is allowed to do, then they should be allowed to do it, too in my opin. And vice-versa.
I was pretty into lip gloss as a preschooler, as well as high heels, purses, etc. It didn't help that I actually had to wear makeup occasionally for dance recitals and such.
Then a lull until 9th grade. It's nuts to think about how much time I wasted putting on foundation, powder, blush, eye makeup, et al. Less made up through the rest of high school, but still lipstick. Lipstick stopped when I got to college and no one else was wearing any makeup at all.
Except for my wedding (lipstick only, no other makeup) I didn't buy another lipstick until last year. I only wear it for formal occasions.
Playing dress-up as a little kid and turning out to be a looks-obsessed adult are pretty unrelated in my mind.
I wouldn't worry too much about Betty.
I was pretty into lip gloss as a preschooler, as well as high heels, purses, etc. It didn't help that I actually had to wear makeup occasionally for dance recitals and such.
Then a lull until 9th grade. It's nuts to think about how much time I wasted putting on foundation, powder, blush, eye makeup, et al. Less made up through the rest of high school, but still lipstick. Lipstick stopped when I got to college and no one else was wearing any makeup at all.
Except for my wedding (lipstick only, no other makeup) I didn't buy another lipstick until last year. I only wear it for formal occasions.
Playing dress-up as a little kid and turning out to be a looks-obsessed adult are pretty unrelated in my mind.
I wouldn't worry too much about Betty.
I would play with make-up when I was younger, like playing dress-up, but I never wore it out of the house. When I was in 6th grade I wore SO much make-up. Purple and silver eyeshadow up to my eyebrows (yummy!)…then again is WAS 1986. After that, I got it out of my system and I wore tasteful make-up from then on. I would even tell people that my mom had the right idea about letting me get it out of my system early.
I think the more taboo you make it, the more she may want it.
I would play with make-up when I was younger, like playing dress-up, but I never wore it out of the house. When I was in 6th grade I wore SO much make-up. Purple and silver eyeshadow up to my eyebrows (yummy!)…then again is WAS 1986. After that, I got it out of my system and I wore tasteful make-up from then on. I would even tell people that my mom had the right idea about letting me get it out of my system early.
I think the more taboo you make it, the more she may want it.