Philosophical Monday: Is She Yours? or Does Ernessa T. Carter Have to Slap a …
Friendly Reminder...
I had been warned by several other black mothers of bi-racial babies/bloggers. I had also read an in-depth column in Essence, detailing how hurtful/annoying this is when it happens. But I still didn’t feel properly prepared when two days after bringing Betty home, a woman asked me outside of the hospital where she was about to get tested for jaundice, “Is she yours?”
Maybe it was because the woman was black, and all the stories I had heard before, involved white people mistaking black mothers for the babysitter or the nanny or in one truly rage-inducing case, a woman attempting to kidnap someone else’s baby. I also thought I would be protected b/c I live in California, where interracial couples are practically the state’s mascot.
Either way, my blood stopped cold, and all I could do was mumble, “Yes.”
“Well, she’s beautiful,” the woman said.
Luckily, CH, who had been parking the car, walked up a few moments later and I was able to extract myself from the conversation.
I didn’t even mention what had just happened to him. Betty’s jaundice test was a much more pressing concern — BTW she did have a bit of the jaundice, but she’s all good now, thanks to the California sun and a healthy appetite.
I haven’t been asked “Is she yours” since. Like I said, Californians are pretty used to the byproducts of interracial love.
But I still go back to that short exchange and wonder what I could have said differently, if I shouldn’t have been nice about it, if I should’ve turned the horrible question into a teaching moment — which is usually what I do when people ask me horrible questions.
I still haven’t come to a firm conclusion. I’m conflict-adverse and a new mother. I’m so not looking to get into an argument with a stranger. I’m also short on time. Do I really want to use this now super-precious resource on strangers?
So after much thought, I decided to say something about it here, since this column reaches more people than I could ever hope to while dashing from place to place with Betty.
Here’s the basic lesson: Don’t ever ask another woman if the child she is holding is hers. Just don’t do it. Ever.
The fact is that there’s only two answers to this question: Yes or No. If the answer is “No,” then there you go. But if the answer is “Yes,” you’ve just succeeded in hurting someone else’s feelings for absolutely no good reason and it also makes you seem ignorant. So err on the side of safety, and just don’t ask this question at all.
Sigh, just as I was about to finish up this article, CH peeped over at the screen and told me that someone asked him, “Is she yours?” at church yesterday. I should point out that even if the woman had asked CH this because she thought Betty was adopted then it’s still offensive, since adopted children are just-as-much “yours.”
So seriously people, if everyone who reads this piece could just promise not to ask that question ever again, you would succeed in making this a much better world for the parents of adopted and bi-racial children alike.
That’s all.
This whole post just infuriates me — not your post, but what happened to you outside that hospital. First, it's just plain rude. It's none of her damn business whose baby it is and she had no place to ask. Second of all, you're in front of the hospital, holding a newborn — of course it's your baby! I would've slapped her or burst into hysterical tears and made her feel really lousy for asking. Kudos for being a better person than I.
I completely agree with it just not being a question that needs to be asked. There are certain very limited circumstances where it might be okay — like in school admittance situations and medical emergencies — and there you could just as much chalk it up to the difference in your last names than the color of your skin. But in this day and age where people are adopting from all over the world and interracial couples are pretty common, it just seems like you should always assume the child is theirs.
Sorry you had to endure the busy body. If it makes you feel any better, I've been asked that question while holding white babies, so maybe some people are just really nosey and/or stupid.
This whole post just infuriates me — not your post, but what happened to you outside that hospital. First, it's just plain rude. It's none of her damn business whose baby it is and she had no place to ask. Second of all, you're in front of the hospital, holding a newborn — of course it's your baby! I would've slapped her or burst into hysterical tears and made her feel really lousy for asking. Kudos for being a better person than I.
I completely agree with it just not being a question that needs to be asked. There are certain very limited circumstances where it might be okay — like in school admittance situations and medical emergencies — and there you could just as much chalk it up to the difference in your last names than the color of your skin. But in this day and age where people are adopting from all over the world and interracial couples are pretty common, it just seems like you should always assume the child is theirs.
Sorry you had to endure the busy body. If it makes you feel any better, I've been asked that question while holding white babies, so maybe some people are just really nosey and/or stupid.
I'm with you, Ernessa. "Is she yours?" sucks. Really, what are they, the census? Why does it matter? I mean, "What a beautiful baby," works just fine.
I think you handled it well…if you're feeling more aggressive, you can always go with, "What makes you ask?" but I think it might irritate you more than anything.
FWIW, I think some people who say that say it because they have nothing else to say…I was once asked that while holding my sister's blond-haired blue-eyed son.
I'm with you, Ernessa. "Is she yours?" sucks. Really, what are they, the census? Why does it matter? I mean, "What a beautiful baby," works just fine.
I think you handled it well…if you're feeling more aggressive, you can always go with, "What makes you ask?" but I think it might irritate you more than anything.
FWIW, I think some people who say that say it because they have nothing else to say…I was once asked that while holding my sister's blond-haired blue-eyed son.
Ernessa, people in general like to say stupid things to you when you have a baby. I was babysitting my niece and I decided to go to the mall with one of my friends. Some lady came up to me and said "she looks just like you." That child looks nothing like me. The next one asked if it was my friends baby. First of all just because my niece is light skined and I am dark skinned why does she have to be my white friends baby. Secondly why would I be pushing someone's baby when they are walking next to me. What am I the nanny?
People ask me all the time if my niece and nephew are mixed when they are with me. No they aren't! Some lady tried to argue with me that my nephew was part mexican and told me that I shouldn't be ashamed of his heritage. Sometimes people should learn to keep their mouths shut!
Ernessa, people in general like to say stupid things to you when you have a baby. I was babysitting my niece and I decided to go to the mall with one of my friends. Some lady came up to me and said "she looks just like you." That child looks nothing like me. The next one asked if it was my friends baby. First of all just because my niece is light skined and I am dark skinned why does she have to be my white friends baby. Secondly why would I be pushing someone's baby when they are walking next to me. What am I the nanny?
People ask me all the time if my niece and nephew are mixed when they are with me. No they aren't! Some lady tried to argue with me that my nephew was part mexican and told me that I shouldn't be ashamed of his heritage. Sometimes people should learn to keep their mouths shut!
Sekou, my son, will be 16 months old next week. In the last [nearly] sixteen months I have been asked if he was my son more than 10 times easily. Plus if that is not enough I have even gotten the “biracial babies are so cute comment” which also irks my nerves. I mean what are “regular ole” black or white babies somehow not as cute (read as "ethnic"). You know even after almost 10 years of marriage Brian and I do places and people still walk in between us like we are not together even when we are holding hands. I am just not sure if I could ever be able to contain my rage if someone walked in between my son and I holding hands because they just could not fathom in 2009 that he might actually be my kid! If you are that person, watch out!
Sekou, my son, will be 16 months old next week. In the last [nearly] sixteen months I have been asked if he was my son more than 10 times easily. Plus if that is not enough I have even gotten the “biracial babies are so cute comment” which also irks my nerves. I mean what are “regular ole” black or white babies somehow not as cute (read as "ethnic"). You know even after almost 10 years of marriage Brian and I do places and people still walk in between us like we are not together even when we are holding hands. I am just not sure if I could ever be able to contain my rage if someone walked in between my son and I holding hands because they just could not fathom in 2009 that he might actually be my kid! If you are that person, watch out!
This has happened to friends of mine with bi-racial and black kids. Genes come out all kinds of ways. When I was a little girls, my mother came to pick me up and the kids sitting next to me who saw her insisted that she must be Chinese. I said she wasn't and they didn't believe me. Just this past Saturday a friend of a friend insisted that I must be Chinese– and even after I told her that I wasn't she continued to say I had to be. I have a friend who is pregnant and every time she tells someone she's pregnant, they ask if the father is still in the picture (he is.) A rude question that she wonders if it's posed to her because she's black.
Folks she just mind their business. Compliment a child and move forward. If someone is carrying a child and that baby looks happy, don't worry about where it came from. I grew up with a bunch of bi-racial kids and come from a family of black people with every skin color from black to white and eye colors from blue to black.
This has happened to friends of mine with bi-racial and black kids. Genes come out all kinds of ways. When I was a little girls, my mother came to pick me up and the kids sitting next to me who saw her insisted that she must be Chinese. I said she wasn't and they didn't believe me. Just this past Saturday a friend of a friend insisted that I must be Chinese– and even after I told her that I wasn't she continued to say I had to be. I have a friend who is pregnant and every time she tells someone she's pregnant, they ask if the father is still in the picture (he is.) A rude question that she wonders if it's posed to her because she's black.
Folks she just mind their business. Compliment a child and move forward. If someone is carrying a child and that baby looks happy, don't worry about where it came from. I grew up with a bunch of bi-racial kids and come from a family of black people with every skin color from black to white and eye colors from blue to black.
Is she yours?? Really?? I'd ask – "Hey is that foot in your ass yours? No wait the foot in your mouth is yours, the foot in your ass is mine!"
Love this!
Is she yours?? Really?? I'd ask – "Hey is that foot in your ass yours? No wait the foot in your mouth is yours, the foot in your ass is mine!"
Love this!
I was the nanny, and as often as not someone would ask "Is he yours?" My response was always a wistful "I wish." (We're both white btw.) I long ago gave up correcting people who thought I was P's mother. It only served to slightly embarass them and put a damper on polite conversation. Instead, P and I would exchange a bemused look and carry on.
In front of the hospital holding a newborn, the answer should be obvious, but many times it isn't. We live in a city full of nannies of all ethnicities. To the person who wrote "What am I the nanny?"- well, would that be inherently insulting?
Sometimes they'll assume you are the parent, sometimes they'll think it rude to assume and will ask. Why choose to react in anger?
Polly agree with you about there being nothing wrong w/ being the nanny. However, I think I speak for most moms when I say that you do not want to be mistaken for someone who is not related to your child. It hurts. It really hurts. It's a very hard feeling to put into words — or else I would — but asking a mother this question just makes her feel wretched. And it's not something I think can be controlled by deciding not to take offense. It's pretty primal. And as with all things, I think it's easier not to ask the question than to risk hurting the askee.
I was the nanny, and as often as not someone would ask "Is he yours?" My response was always a wistful "I wish." (We're both white btw.) I long ago gave up correcting people who thought I was P's mother. It only served to slightly embarass them and put a damper on polite conversation. Instead, P and I would exchange a bemused look and carry on.
In front of the hospital holding a newborn, the answer should be obvious, but many times it isn't. We live in a city full of nannies of all ethnicities. To the person who wrote "What am I the nanny?"- well, would that be inherently insulting?
Sometimes they'll assume you are the parent, sometimes they'll think it rude to assume and will ask. Why choose to react in anger?
Polly agree with you about there being nothing wrong w/ being the nanny. However, I think I speak for most moms when I say that you do not want to be mistaken for someone who is not related to your child. It hurts. It really hurts. It's a very hard feeling to put into words — or else I would — but asking a mother this question just makes her feel wretched. And it's not something I think can be controlled by deciding not to take offense. It's pretty primal. And as with all things, I think it's easier not to ask the question than to risk hurting the askee.
I know this situation too! My little boy is Scottish-Japanese. I used to get more offended when people asked my dark-haired or Spanish friends if he was theirs.It gets easier when they get older as they never stop asking you "mum can we….,mum, why not?mum…!" I think my parents found it stranger taking him out for a walk as there is no visible link at all. But yes, people say some really stupid things to you when you have a baby. I found the unsolicited advice the hardest to swallow and one day lost it when a man at a bus stop suggested Michael wasn't dressed appropriately for the weather. Grrrrrrr!! The "is she yours?" question is a really daft one but I'm sure there is no malice intended. People just don't think…
I know this situation too! My little boy is Scottish-Japanese. I used to get more offended when people asked my dark-haired or Spanish friends if he was theirs.It gets easier when they get older as they never stop asking you "mum can we….,mum, why not?mum…!" I think my parents found it stranger taking him out for a walk as there is no visible link at all. But yes, people say some really stupid things to you when you have a baby. I found the unsolicited advice the hardest to swallow and one day lost it when a man at a bus stop suggested Michael wasn't dressed appropriately for the weather. Grrrrrrr!! The "is she yours?" question is a really daft one but I'm sure there is no malice intended. People just don't think…
People are so ignorant. I think you and CH should come up with a bunch of snappy comebacks that you can use in these situations cause girl you know you are going to have to continue to deal with ignorant mofos in Cali (can I just say I was in Berkeley home of liberal protesters when I experienced one of my first racial incidents in California). You know something like "well she is now since we found her in a basket floating down the Nile during our trip to Egypt this summer". Then just stare at them so they know you are totally making fun of their ignorant behinds.
People are so ignorant. I think you and CH should come up with a bunch of snappy comebacks that you can use in these situations cause girl you know you are going to have to continue to deal with ignorant mofos in Cali (can I just say I was in Berkeley home of liberal protesters when I experienced one of my first racial incidents in California). You know something like "well she is now since we found her in a basket floating down the Nile during our trip to Egypt this summer". Then just stare at them so they know you are totally making fun of their ignorant behinds.
After reading all the different experiences people have had with this, I am convinced even more that there are a lot of people saying stupid things out there. I'm not a Mommy so I can't say I've experienced someone questioning that bond, especially after carrying and then laboring to deliver. If I were a new mommy with stress and sleep deprivation, I might have pummeled the dummy. Unless you're with child services and some woman is dragging a screaming 10 year old into their unmarked van, it's in idiotic question to be asking.
I've said a bunch of dumb junk to strangers in my life, trying to make conversation, but I'm very happy that I have never asked this particular question. I also avoid "When are you due?" to any woman, no matter what kind of bump she's got going on. I have had people come up to me and say "You're tall." Dur. Seems that common sense is not so very common.
After reading all the different experiences people have had with this, I am convinced even more that there are a lot of people saying stupid things out there. I'm not a Mommy so I can't say I've experienced someone questioning that bond, especially after carrying and then laboring to deliver. If I were a new mommy with stress and sleep deprivation, I might have pummeled the dummy. Unless you're with child services and some woman is dragging a screaming 10 year old into their unmarked van, it's in idiotic question to be asking.
I've said a bunch of dumb junk to strangers in my life, trying to make conversation, but I'm very happy that I have never asked this particular question. I also avoid "When are you due?" to any woman, no matter what kind of bump she's got going on. I have had people come up to me and say "You're tall." Dur. Seems that common sense is not so very common.
Having lots of friends whose children came to them through adoption or donor gametes, I am particularly sensitive to "yours" being a loaded concept, regardless of the race. In addition to those biological parents who dislike the question because of a visceral reaction or the possible implications, there are a lot of people in this world for whom that question is hurtful because the real answer is something to the effect of, "It depends on how you define 'yours.'"
On the race side, as a mixed-race child from an earlier generation than Betty's (a generation for whom being mixed-race was a bigger issue, anti-miscegenation laws having been deemed unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court only a few years before), I don't recall ever having heard that question posed to either of my parents when I was a kid. I suppose I look enough like my mother for it to have been pretty obvious, and since most people think I'm white they didn't think to question my father.
On a happier note, I know someone who got asked the "Is she yours?" question when her daughter was a few weeks old, and then the follow-up was, "Wow! You just gave birth? You look fantastic!" Maybe you could pretend it's not about race and instead the asker is pointing out how quickly you're getting your figure back. Unfortunately, this strategy won't work for CH.
Out here that would be followed up with “who did your cesarean tummy tuck?”Bored? Check out http://www.fierceandnerdy.com
Having lots of friends whose children came to them through adoption or donor gametes, I am particularly sensitive to "yours" being a loaded concept, regardless of the race. In addition to those biological parents who dislike the question because of a visceral reaction or the possible implications, there are a lot of people in this world for whom that question is hurtful because the real answer is something to the effect of, "It depends on how you define 'yours.'"
On the race side, as a mixed-race child from an earlier generation than Betty's (a generation for whom being mixed-race was a bigger issue, anti-miscegenation laws having been deemed unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court only a few years before), I don't recall ever having heard that question posed to either of my parents when I was a kid. I suppose I look enough like my mother for it to have been pretty obvious, and since most people think I'm white they didn't think to question my father.
On a happier note, I know someone who got asked the "Is she yours?" question when her daughter was a few weeks old, and then the follow-up was, "Wow! You just gave birth? You look fantastic!" Maybe you could pretend it's not about race and instead the asker is pointing out how quickly you're getting your figure back. Unfortunately, this strategy won't work for CH.
Out here that would be followed up with \”who did your cesarean tummy tuck?\”
Bored? Check out http://www.fierceandnerdy.com
My husband had a neighbor ask "is he yours" shortly after we our son was born. he told her, "no, we are just renting".
My husband had a neighbor ask "is he yours" shortly after we our son was born. he told her, "no, we are just renting".
This reminds me of a few of my own 'is she yours' stories…which is funny since I don't have kids, but apparently looks like someone who does.
The best of the stories happened when my mom and I were visiting her best friend (and family) in florida, when I was 17. We were in a cracker barrel outside of tampa (enough said) and I was in the storefront walking around with Molly's (mom's best friend) baby. A woman came up to me and was ooohing and awwwing about the baby and asking my questions about her. I knew all the answers, until she asked me how old the baby was. It took me a moment to think, 'was she born in october or september? hmmmm' and in that moment, this seemingly nice woman whipped out a big ole' can of judgement and snapped at me, 'What kind of mother are you?! You don't even know when your own child was born?!!" My mouth pretty much dropped to the floor, the woman started to walk away in a huff, and I yelled back ' But she isn't MINE!!!!".
This is just one of the many times I've actually been confused as some poor kid's mother. And every single time the child looks NOTHING like me! It's rather odd…
This reminds me of a few of my own 'is she yours' stories…which is funny since I don't have kids, but apparently looks like someone who does.
The best of the stories happened when my mom and I were visiting her best friend (and family) in florida, when I was 17. We were in a cracker barrel outside of tampa (enough said) and I was in the storefront walking around with Molly's (mom's best friend) baby. A woman came up to me and was ooohing and awwwing about the baby and asking my questions about her. I knew all the answers, until she asked me how old the baby was. It took me a moment to think, 'was she born in october or september? hmmmm' and in that moment, this seemingly nice woman whipped out a big ole' can of judgement and snapped at me, 'What kind of mother are you?! You don't even know when your own child was born?!!" My mouth pretty much dropped to the floor, the woman started to walk away in a huff, and I yelled back ' But she isn't MINE!!!!".
This is just one of the many times I've actually been confused as some poor kid's mother. And every single time the child looks NOTHING like me! It's rather odd…
I am the mom of two beautiful biracial boys. My oldest (6) looks like a mini- Barack O, while my youngest (age 2) is as white as my husband's Scottish genes could make him.I got asked if I was the nanny a few times when both were babies, but not so much now with my older guy. With my youngest, it's happening more often. It used to take me off guard, now I take it in stride. I'm not so much hurt as completely bewildered and totally flummoxed. How you can ask someone with a child literally clinging to my leg as if his very existence depending on his holding on, if he's my child is a mystery to me. I mean 9 out 10 people I meet will think he's my baby, but the 10th person just isn't buying it. I honestly don't know what the thinking is on this. Maybe it's the cynical New Yorker in me,but I don't get mad. I pretty much expect most people to lead with a stupid question.
It's funny because this literally just happened to me AGAIN a couple of hours ago and I was like, Ernessa you can't get mad every time this happens or you're going to spend a lot of Betty's childhood mad. Thanks for the thoughtful comment.
Bored? Check out http://www.fierceandnerdy.com
I am the mom of two beautiful biracial boys. My oldest (6) looks like a mini- Barack O, while my youngest (age 2) is as white as my husband's Scottish genes could make him.I got asked if I was the nanny a few times when both were babies, but not so much now with my older guy. With my youngest, it's happening more often. It used to take me off guard, now I take it in stride. I'm not so much hurt as completely bewildered and totally flummoxed. How you can ask someone with a child literally clinging to my leg as if his very existence depending on his holding on, if he's my child is a mystery to me. I mean 9 out 10 people I meet will think he's my baby, but the 10th person just isn't buying it. I honestly don't know what the thinking is on this. Maybe it's the cynical New Yorker in me,but I don't get mad. I pretty much expect most people to lead with a stupid question.
It's funny because this literally just happened to me AGAIN a couple of hours ago and I was like, Ernessa you can't get mad every time this happens or you're going to spend a lot of Betty's childhood mad. Thanks for the thoughtful comment.Bored? Check out http://www.fierceandnerdy.com
I’m not sure if you have had many more encounters like this. I am currently pregnant with my 4th son (bi-racial). I am black. I have 3 older boys, all fathered by a black man. However, their great grandfather and grandmother are blue eyed, straight haired, light skinned blacks and their father is a light brown, hazel eyed, black man. Our children all look very different from each other, 2 are very brown and one is much lighter than his father or myself (my middle boy). They all have heads full of big dark curls. They are STUNNING!! I’ve often been asked if my lighter child is mine and I’ve also been asked, “Is his daddy white?” to which I always reply, “IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHY THAT MATTERS, I WILL ANSWER YOUR QUESTION.” I give the rude enquirer a few seconds to stare in stunned shock and then my family and I walk away. Noone has been able to answer my question, so I don’t feel much need to answer theirs. It’s always a painful situation for me, we (they ask my children too) have been asked if they have the same father, if I am the babysitter and on one especially awful day, we almost couldn’t locate the black light stamp on my hand that would allow me to take MY children home from Chuck E. Cheese. They questioned my then 3 year old about the wereabouts of his mothers and he said, with much annoyance, “She’s right there!” I have been shocked at the sheer number of ignorant people and the audacity of those who ask such rude questions. My poor child has asked why he’s different and why he is white. He’s wished that he was brown and that breaks my heart. We have tons of books about the shades of brown, the beauty of our skin and we always adress his worries, but there is nothing that I can do to stop the questions that cause my child pain.