Sex in the Time of Twilight [Single White Nerd]

About two years ago, I wrote an open letter to boys becoming men in the age of Twilight.  I sought to prepare them for the trials ahead, trials made tougher by the unrealistic expectations established by Ms. Meyer and her coterie of diamond glittery vamps.  Or howly hunks.  Either way. Today I reach out to you.  I reach out with a message not of warning, but of comfort.  I reach out to let you know this (listen very, very carefully): Sex.  Will.  Not.  Kill.  You.

I tell you this because if I were a tween Twi-hard and I saw the latest installment in the Twilight franchise, I might think that I should be both ashamed and terrified of sex.  Even sex that has been sanctified by holy matrimony (sex before marriage would be, of course, absolutely out of the question).

Here’s why:

Bella and Edward share little more than steamy kisses before their wedding.  At the wedding, Jacob (for the uninitiated, Jacob is a werewolf who rides a motorcycle and pouts while pining for Bella) arrives and almost beats the crap out of Edward.  He doesn’t do this because he’s jealous (though he is).  He does this because he is afraid that having sex with Edward will kill Bella.  I know this because he bellows “YOU’LL KILL HER!” before charging off into the woods and changing into a computer generated dog.

With this threat of imminent death hanging/murder over them, Edward and Bella jet off to a private island for their honeymoon.  Edward, fearing the power of his vampire sex, restrains himself from consummating the marriage.  “I don’t want to hurt you,” he says before condescendingly patting his barely legal bride on the shoulder.  Bella, ever the incautious wanton, seduces him.  They have sex.  The bed breaks.  As does most of the furniture in the room.

The next morning, Bella is bruised but happy.  And alive.  Edward is wracked with guilt.  Nevertheless, they have sex again.  It seems gentle.  And nice.

Ok, maybe sex isn’t so bad.

But then Bella gets pregnant and (SPOILER ALERT) the baby breaks her back from the inside and KILLS HER!  Even worse, to get the baby out, Edward has to gnaw Bella’s stomach open with his TEETH!

So if SEX doesn’t kill you, then you’ll get pregnant and THAT will kill you.  And it will make your husband, who already feels bad enough for putting you in this situation, chow down on your flesh.

It all makes me yearn for the innocent days of Molly Ringwald giving her panties to a geek or Tom Cruise losing his virginity to a call girl.  Y’know, back when sex could be mysterious and naughty (teehee) without being deadly.

Ladies, I want to make this clear:  Sex will not kill you.  If it does result in bruises, you should probably get out of the relationship (unless you like that sort of thing and have established a safe word).  For more on safe words, please see Secretary.

Furthermore, if you get pregnant, there will be many decisions to make and challenges ahead.  Your baby breaking your ribs or back are not among them.

I hope that this helps.  Have fun growing up and, when the time comes, may you sex it up fearlessly, safely, and without shame.

Good talk.

-The Single White Nerd.