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Single White Nerd: Girls, Get Your Geek!


Go Get Him!

Over the past two weeks I’ve had at least 6 women approach me and ask for advice on attracting a Geek. Lucky for them (and for you!), I can help. Women, I am here today to help you get your Geek.

I’m not sure when it happened, but apparently, Geeks are the new hot cheeto on the block. Blame Judd Apatow and his stable of loveable dorks. Or Steve Jobs with his exceptionally well designed technological marvels. Whoever’s responsible, the documented (by me) fact is that more and more women want a Geek of their own.

Before I unlock the secrets of Getting Your Geek, a quick aside: I’m rather pissed at this rampant Fetishization of the Geek. I spent the better part of 20 years wrenching myself away from geekdom. Cultivating the ability to talk to women without staring at my shoes and drooling. Throwing away my original issue Transformers toy collection. Resisting the urge to apply multivariable calculus to figure out the best size pan to make pineapple upside down cake (it helps that I haven’t done calculus since high school). In short, just as I’ve mostly-succeeded in developing social skills, they become obsolete. End aside.

Please note that the process outlined below only pertains to True Geeks, not Chic Geeks or Hollywood Geeks (e.g. that Chuck guy from that Chuck show). I could write a whole treatise on the difference, but for now suffice it to say that the latter two aren’t real geeks—they’re posers. You can go ahead and approach them as you would any other guy. The Protocol also is not intended for use on Nerds.  Nerds are different animals, as different from a Geek as a panther is to a lion.  The patented Single White Nerd Geek Trapping Protocol is designed to net you a for realsy-reals Geek.

So—ladies. Here they are. The secrets to getting your very own shoe-gazing drooly guy:

1.  Don’t Scare Your Geek

You know how in the moving picture shows women show interest through longing stares across the bar? And then the guy comes over and says something suave like “I noticed you staring longingly at me and thought I’d come over and proactively show my reciprocal interest by purchasing a drink for you?”

Yeah. That won’t work with a geek. The faintest whiff of interest from the fairer sex will send any self-respecting geek running for the hills. Or the bathroom. Where he may throw up.

Subtlety is the key. Imagine that your geek is a bunny, squirrel, or other easily spooked rodent. How, for example, would you attract a mouse? Would you, perhaps, use cheese? Yes, you would. The same tactic works on Geeks. Which brings us to. . .

2. Use the Right Cheese

There are as many varieties of Geek as stars in the sky or wines in the wine shoppe. Don’t just plunge in and try to attract a computer geek with comic books. Or a comic book geek with quantum physics. Do your research. What does your geek read? Was he a member of his college marching band? Does he host a website about the parabolic curve of high end speaker systems?

Gather information. Then, when the time is right. . .

3. Get Your Geek! (but with subtlety)

Stock up on magazines, books, comic books or catalogues for your Geek’s preferred metaphorical cheese. Put yourself in the vicinity of your Geek. And then be patient. Do not under any circumstances (barring those in which a life is in danger) approach your Geek. No eye contact. No smiles over the top of a book. You can maybe risk a grin, but no more than that. You must allow your Geek to come to you.

This can be an excruciating process. The central challenge is that your Geek has probably never seen himself as an object of attraction. The idea of someone wanting to see him naked and make sexy time is so alien that you’ll risk inciting a full meltdown if you make the first move.

Instead, make yourself available. Let your prey get interested. Ignore him until he speaks. Even if comes up creepily close behind you to read over your shoulder or sniff your hair—ignore. Do you spring a mouse trap before a mouse takes the cheese? No. You do not. So wait, wait, and wait.

Wait until your mouse (Geek) takes the cheese (not-cheese. . .unless he’s a cheese geek). He will ask you a question. Answer it. And you’re off to the races. Congratulations—you have your very own Geek!

I mean, there’s more to it. All that pesky relationship stuff. You’re on your own there—I can help you get your Geek, not keep him.

A caveat: Once you have a Geek, you may find that all of those socially awkward quirks that initially attracted you are, in fact, incredibly annoying. You may want to break up with your Geek and move on to more socially well-adjusted pastures. That’s when you’ll find that Leaving Your Geek is even more complicated that getting him. But we can cover that some other time. In the meantime, I’m off to hunt down my Transformers and childhood robot collection while I re-train myself to drool and stammer.

Now go get ’em, Girls (but subtly, subtly)!

See Michael Kass geek out live on April 23rd at Wordplay, where people tell stories to live DJ wikky-wikky magic.