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Single White Nerd: The Virtual Girlfriend App [BEST OF FaN]

Originally published 01/31/11

As I write this, it’s raining outside.  It would be a perfect day to cuddle with That Special Someone.  But I don’t have a Special Someone.  What I do have is a fancy new phone.  Which is why I’m developing. . .The Virtual Girlfriend App.

Download the free version, fill out a brief questionnaire setting your grammatical/age/topic preferences, and instantly begin receiving three to four text messages throughout the day.  Imagine how heart warming it would be to be sitting at work, doing something productive when suddenly your phone chirps.  “Hey,” pops a text message, “Just thinking about you [insert name here].  Hope you’re having a good day!”  Would your heart not tingle just as much as if your “real” significant other (whom you never see anyway) sent the message?  Yes it would.*

Once you get hooked on the basic version, it’s time to move up to the next level.  For a monthly fee of $2/month your Virtual Girlfriend will send you occasional picture messages of what she’s having for lunch.  For a small extra charge, she can send vaguely titillating picture messages.  This added depth will guarantee greater verisimilitude.  The VGA’s proprietary AI system will also allow a degree of interactivity.  That’s right, you’ll be able to ask her questions, get her opinion on things, even have little spats that you can then resolve with a little late night sexting.  It’s almost like the real thing!

Ready for even more?  Fill out an extensive survey detailing your eating habits, shopping lists, schedule, educational background, color preferences, income.  Once you share this level of intimacy with your Virtual Girlfriend, she will remind you to buy milk, wish your mother a happy birthday, or ask you penetrating questions about your favorite passages in Proust.  She can even access your contacts to set up a surprise party for you.  Imagine how amazing it would be to arrive home one day to find that your friends have gathered to congratulate you on another year well-lived!  And it was all planned by your Virtual Girlfriend.

Once the VGA has launched, you will also be able to buy ancillary modules.  The Break-Up Extension.  The Paranoia Module (is she cheating on you?).  The Family Tragedy add-on (because who doesn’t like to be supportive in your loved one’s time of need?).

There are those who will argue that it might be easier and, in the end, less time consuming to just find someone to date.  That the hard work to create a “real” relationship is all worth it.  Sure, you may find someone.  The timing may work out.  Your schedules may jibe.  All the different variables may fall in to place.   But the odds are against you.

The Virtual Girlfriend is a sure thing.  It’s virtually real.  Take the guess work out of relationships.  Even better, take all the work out of relationships.   Download the VGA and date a pixel today.

*This statement is backed up by highly scientific science studies!

Note:  The VGA is satire.  It doesn’t exist.  If you actually want to build this thing, please ask permission first.  If you steal it without asking my permission, I will sue you using my Virtual Attorney App.

featured image credit: Darwin Bell