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Stay-at-Home Nerd: Weighs in on Skinny Jeans [BEST OF FaN]

Co-Ed. Note: We obviously chose this one because it was super-controversial. Also, because every time I go to put on my skinny jeans, I now think of this post. Ugh!

Originally published 01/20/11

It should be noted that I’m not a fashion expert.  I don’t have a degree in fashion from one of those institutes you hear about on TV late at night.  My idea of dressing up, now that I’m a stay at home dad, is putting on a clean t-shirt.  During the week you’ll usually see me lumbering around in shorts or athletic pants, depending on the weather, and the aforementioned tee which may or may not have a witticism on it.  My experience and so-called expertise in this area is limited to the occasional Project Runway rerun, several episodes of What Not to Wear that were penance for all my sports intake, my daily walks and weekly errands with my son.  These tasks include, but are not limited to, strolling through the mall, shopping at Target and stocking up at Costco.  It’s not a coincidence that these places also seem to attract moms, or more generally, women.  Which brings me to my point: Skinny Jeans.

There are some fashions that go out as fast as they came in.  Anyone still wearing parachute pants or acid washed jeans or tie dyed shirts?  I mean anyone other than those who still have their Michael Jackson Thriller poster up, or those getting the band back together, or those homemade honey sellers at the farmer’s markets.  Other fashions stick around forever.  The little black dress, the power suit, comfortable jeans are just a few examples.

There are also some fashions that come out, reach a Tipping Point, and seem to take over the world. Juicy couture, I think, is among these.  Right, you’ve seen ‘em, girls (not woman) of all shapes and ages walking around in their Tom Brady endorsed Uggs wearing what are essentially sweatpants with words displayed across their butt.  Words like Pink, which makes me think of another color when written on a butt, or words like Juicy, which always make me think “leaky”.  This free association has to stop – it’s not good for me and it’s certainly not good for the lady folk.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem everyone shares my concern.  These clothes seem to be here to stay – let’s pray, even the atheists, that they don’t become classics.

There is time, however, to put the kibosh on skinny jeans.  Yes, they seem to have taken over, but I’m quite sure they haven’t reached the tipping point.  I mean I can’t picture Midwestern girls putting these on in the cold, cold winters.  What is it specifically about skinny jeans that I don’t like?  Well, it’s fairly simple.  Like anything, most people who wear skinny jeans shouldn’t.  Skinny jeans, like spandex, only look good on certain body types.  Whereas spandex is reserved for bicyclists and endurance athletes, skinny jeans ought to be reserved for the skinny leg models they were designed for.  If you carry any extra pounds, and I do, so I can say this, tight clothes make you look fatter.  Say no to muffin tops, lumpy asses, and cankles.  You and your skinny jeans aren’t fooling anybody.

But, you may be thinking I said that skinny jeans do look good on models.  Yes I did.  You know what else looks good on models?  Everything.  Polar bear fur vests, kneepads, even dresses made of feathers.  Why?  Because I’m not a fashion expert and when I see a model I’m not thinking about her clothes, I’m thinking about… Well, I’m married now so that’s another story.  The exception to this, though, is skinny jeans.  Whenever I see someone in skinny jeans I shake my head and think; oh, you shouldn’t be wearing that.  If you’re not attractive enough to wear skinny jeans you’re not doing yourself any favors by wearing them.  If you’re so hot that skinny jeans look good on you then you lack the necessary modesty, decency, and compassion for others that truly make a woman a woman.  There.  I said it.  And, that’s all I have to say about that.