Accentuating Neuroses (aka Accentalize This!) [Single White Nerd]

Ladies, do you like a man with an accent?  I bet you do!  Then today’s blog is for you.  Today, we introduce an exciting new concept in Dating Technology: The Accentalizer! Like The Litmus Test, but more effective, this revolutionary new Neurosis Detection System can save time, emotional hardship, and the crippling uncertainty that comes with wondering if it’s YOU or if it’s HIM.  Here’s the skinny: Yesterday, I had lunch with one of my most favoritest people. She’s intelligent, accomplished, tall, attractive, stylish, athletic, cleans up well, ever so slightly crazy. Everything you could want in a woman. Recently, she found herself wanting to engage in a purely sexual relationship with a strapping gentleman. It started off well–they had a great evening of Adult Fun. So great that she called me on the phone humming with excitement. “Michael,” she exulted, “I have a booty call.  It’s so EXCITING.” I congratulated her and she went back to having super fun sexy time. Or so I thought. Apparently, after their first encounter, the gentleman became somewhat unresponsive to her calls and texts. Not entirely unresponsive. He would eventually return messages via text, letting her know that he was too busy to meet up. Once in a while, he would simply say that he’d prefer to stay home and watch a movie than go over to indulge in a carnival of carnal cavorting. This naturally made my friend feel a bit out of sorts. Or, as she eloquently put it, “What the fuck?” I delved into the mystery with gusto. I asked about their history, how long it had been since they had seen each other, anything that might indicate inconvenient emotional over-involvement (a sure deterrent to a booty call relationship) on either part. No obvious answers presented themselves. Finally, almost by accident,...

On Wisconsin!!! [Stay-at-Home Nerd]

When asked where I’m from I usually say “Wisconsin” with full accent intact.  If pressed about my home state I often say, “It’s a great place to be from.”  The implication is that I loved growing up there, but wouldn’t want to live there now.  I’m not sure either of those sentiments is true. Although I didn’t know it growing up, I know now that I hate the snow. I hate the cold. I hate humidity (unless I’m on vacation). I hate flies. I really fucking hate mosquitoes. I hate not having breakfast burritos or avocados readily available. I hate that sushi is a foreign concept, that parking is guaranteed, that… I ran out of steam.  There really isn’t that much to dislike about Wisconsin, and I’d be happy to raise my children there, but if I try to list what I liked, what I really liked, about growing up there I can only come up with the following: I liked my friends, many of who still live there, although others have gone off to Seattle or San Diego or even joined me in L.A.  I use the term friend loosely – not as loosely as Facebook – but loose enough to say that if I liked someone in high school and they needed their tire changed I would help out if called upon. The second, and really only other, thing I really liked about Wisconsin were their sports teams.  I lived and died with the Green Bay Packers, followed every pitch of the 1982 World Series against the Cardinals, and loved that the Bucks were, back then, a perennial playoff team in a small market.  I also followed the University of Wisconsin basketball and football teams especially after Barry Alvarez made them relevant...