I don’t watch a lot of television because it’s a worm hole of lost time when I should be writing or sleeping or working out or replacing the low battery in my fire alarm (sorry baby, I promise I’ll get to it this weekend). However, I did manage to watch House of Cards when Netflix released it earlier this year – lost a whole weekend – and that’s why I’m pleasantly surprised to see it recognized for the badass political drama it is. From Variety: “House of Cards” had nine nominations overall. Lead acting nominations for the series went to Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright, and David Fincher was nominated for directing the opening episode. I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but Joel Schumacher directed a few of the episodes and I never would’ve known had they not mentioned him in the credits. It’s too bad they didn’t let him make creative decisions, the only thing missing in House of Cards is visible Spacey nipples. Disappointed fans like myself will just have to check behind the bushes of London Park to see those. Along with Arrested Development, Netflix broke the platform mold for digitally distributed programming by receiving a total of 14 nominations. Which is weird because I haven’t not watched a series on Netflix for some time now. Netflix, like Google, is a verb at this point – as in, “You haven’t seen Breaking Bad? Netflix that shit before I punch you in the face.” “American Horror Story” had 17 nominations for the second year in a row, leading all programs. “Game of Thrones” had 16 to lead all series. Woah, woah, hold on. American Horror Story had 17 nominations last year? I caught the first half of that POS and stopped watching when it became abundantly clear the writers had no idea where they were going with that story. “Here Piggy Piggy” was the single dumbest subplot of the last decade. Congrats to you Game of Thrones fans. Except for “House of Cards” replacing “Boardwalk Empire,” the drama series nominations remained the same as last year: were 2012 winner “Homeland,” “Breaking Bad,” “Downton Abbey,” “Game of Thrones” and “Mad Men.” In comedy series, five of six nominees also returned: “30 Rock,” “The Big Bang Theory,” “Girls,” “Modern Family” and “Veep,” with “Louie” replacing “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” I don’t understand the love for Big Bang Theory but a lot of my friends with quality taste in programming (quality being similar to mine of course) seem to enjoy it. Every time I stumble on the Aspy Fun Hour it looks like this to me: The good news here is that Louie picked up a rightful nominatioon for best comedy series. It could’ve also been nominated for best drama series and I don’t think anyone would’ve complained. Since it was 30 Rock‘s last season I’m going to assume the voters will toss the Emmy their direction. Fine by me, it’s been one of the most consistently well-written comedies since it first aired. Nominations for reality-competition series went to longtime behemoth “The Amazing Race,” “Dancing with the Stars,” “Project Runway,” “So You Think You Can Dance,” “Top Chef” and “The Voice.” In reality program, the noms were “Antiques Roadshow,” “Deadliest Catch,” “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” “MythBusters,” “Shark Tank” and “Undercover Boss.” No Chopped? “Hello, police, I’d like to report a robbery. Can I describe the suspect? Yes, he’s got spiked, frosted blond hair with dark roots. An obnoxious van dyke…uh huh, right, the kind that fat guys wear to hide their chin. Stupid sunglasses, shorts, faux-rockabilly style shirt. Is he the lead singer of Smash Mouth? I don’t think so. You know what, let me text you his picture.” Lead drama actor nominations went to defending champ Damian Lewis of “Homeland,” Hugh Bonneville (“Downton Abbey”), Bryan Cranston (“Breaking Bad”), Jeff Daniels (“The Newsroom”), Jon Hamm (“Mad Men”) and Spacey. My...

1. Chopped – The McLaughlin Group Edition A very special episode of everyone’s favorite quick thinking cooking show. In this episode, John McLaughlin and 3 members of his weekly discussion panel open up their mystery baskets in an effort to please three renowned chefs using unusual food combinations in a way that doesn’t immediately make you want to vomit. Things take a unique turn when the contestants cannot come to a consensus as to the best way to open their baskets and spend the duration of air time in a heated debate about picnic etiquette and basket making.   2. The Daily Show: Guest Host Ryan Lochte If The Daily Show tends to be a tad too “political” for you, this is definitely the episode to watch. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte will run down the latest in beer, bromance and babes with a frequent “Jeah!” to punctuate the importance of those issues. The episode will also feature a breakdown of Ryan’s daily hair maintenance!   3. Martha Stewart’s Scared Straight Martha will open her home to a group of “at risk” youths to show them the bleak reality of breaking the law. Watch their horrified faces as she forces them to create a table scape using only what is in her basement and bake a batch of cranberry sage scones using dried cranberries and powdered sage! Martha eventually breaks down herself, however, when she realizes she has run out of unpasteurized goats milk. It’s a learning experience for all involved!   4. Dance Moms Catch A Predator The long running hit show To Catch A Predator is joined by Abby and the moms, who hope to catch a creepy pedo on national television. The pairing only lasts for one episode, however, as the man they successfully netted escapes when the moms fall into a heated discussion over whose child served as the most successful bait. Of course Abby thinks they are all terrible bait and need more practice.   5. Bates Motel Impossible Veteran hotel operator Anthony Melchiorri takes on his biggest challenge to date: whipping the Bates Motel and owner Norma Bates into ship shape! He must master such tasks as creating community interest in the motel for reasons other than homicide, distance the operation from any human trafficking rings and try to keep himself and designer Blanche Garcia alive long enough to realize their redesign...

If you haven’t already started watching BATES MOTEL, you should do it. Now. The season is probably halfway over or more at this point, so there’s some catching up to do. Eight shows in fact. You need cable to catch it. A&E. You might be a little apprehensive because it’s a prequel to a movie made over forty years ago based on a novel based on a real life serial killer…set in 2013. If you’re anything like me, you’re picky about the details in a show – especially a show that has a history based in something else (like a show/movie/book/etc.), and if they don’t get it right, then they better make it really freaking good. This show is. Both. Freddie Highmore – who you might recognize as the adorable August Rush, or Charlie from the Tim Burton rendition of the Chocolate Factory — is the only kid on the planet who could play Norman Bates. He’s incredible in this kind of shy, nice guy, creepy, mama’s boy role. You like him. You really do – even though you know that later in life he’s going to be a total–well, psycho. You root for him to get away from his mother’s influence, and to win over one of the two girls who seem to want his attention. But at the same time you can just tell there’s something wrong with him. In fact, in episode 6 you realize there’s something really really wrong with him. But we’re not sure what yet, or why. Suspense! His Mother Norma, Vera Farmiga (hot!), makes you like her, then hate her, then sympathize with her, then hate her, then understand her, then hate her, then pity her, then empathize with her and almost trust her, then hate her some more. She’s really got the overbearing, co-dependent thing down. But you’re not really sure if it’s even her fault, or if she’s the way she is because of the way Norman is. It’s complicated. You’ll see. There are other people in the cast, too: a second son – brother to Norman; and a deputy sherriff one tends to confuse with the second son at times, they look so similar. This adds a weird element to the mama’s boy angle of things considering Norma beds the sheriff by episode 2. There’s also the two love interests for Norman; a dead guy; another dead guy; an Asian sex slave; and the town sheriff who totally has it out for Norma. (She kind of killed his best friend in the first episode.) The town itself is its own kind of character – very much a small town that takes care of its own. Everyone has a secret of some kind or is involved in something seedy. The town members also practice an Old Testament kind of law. In the first episode, a mill owner is killed when his mill burns down. Rather than prosecute, the town holds a public body burning of the suspected arsonist. Then there are the drugs. Every good small town needs a mary jane field to compensate for the high rate of unemployment these days. Each episode is suspenseful and mysterious, sometimes violent. And isn’t that really what makes good TV anymore? In all honesty, I haven’t been shocked by television in a very long time. And I watch a lot of the stuff. When the first episode aired, I was a little overwhelmed by the brutal and violent rape scene that happens in the first 20 minutes of this show – it doesn’t hold back on the detail. So if you can’t handle that sort of thing, jump ahead on the DVR and keep going. Don’t let your sensitive stomach keep you from what ends up being a show worth getting hooked...