Dear Dr. Miro, My boyfriend smokes a lot of weed and we don’t use condoms. I have a drug test next week. Can I test positive for THC from him coming inside me? Sincerely, Naturally Paranoid Dear NP, If testing positive for THC from ejaculate intake was possible, there would more than likely be a Seth Rogen film with that as a sub-plot. THC is short for Tetrahydrocannabinol, which is the principle psychoactive ingredient in cannabis. We have all heard of the false positives for opiates after eating a poppy seed muffin and so the silence on this matter pushes me to the conclusion of NO. As this is not a good method for reaching scientific conclusions, I began further research. Amielle Moreno, a Seattle based Research Scientist, had this to say, “Let’s go over facts: THC is fat solvable and it’s also found in hair which is protein. Semen includes a large amount of protein, but the amount of THC in semen would be negligible. The THC has already been processed by one person before it gets in contact with a vagina, mouth or rectum. I don’t think it would be enough to test positive.” Since fats are processed through an entirely different system than that of the reproductive, their transference is highly unlikely in detectable quantities. You see, THC is metabolized mainly in the liver. It is detected through hair, urine, blood, “oral fluid” and sweat. There seems to be no evidence of it being found in genital fluids. Another researcher, who wishes to remain anonymous, brought up the additional argument against THC being transferred through sperm with the following, “Semen, as a vehicle for genetic material, would have no evolutionary advantage in bringing along extraneous chemicals like THC in the ejaculate....

From fifty-foot posters of dead fetuses to buckets of real, human blood dumped on patrons of health clinics, the anti-abortion movement lustily embraced the fantastical and spectacular elements of Grand Guignol storytelling. And while the Great Anti-Abortion Movement sadly devolved into Splatter Cinema (killing innocent doctors and patients), its generally agreed that it provided some of the most compelling theatre in our country’s history. Indeed, it set a high bar that’s tough to follow. But in today’s brave new world, things are more complex. More nuanced. This is a world in which a cluster of four cells and corporations are people with rights. In which the majority is now being oppressed and Marriage is on the brink of extinction! We need a new way to tell these more sophisticated stories. Enter, Stage Right: New Theatre of the Grotesque (NTG) NTG is storytelling in which assumedly rational adults are seemingly in charge of their own decisions in a society where purportedly everyone is equal. Except… NOTHING IS AS IT SEEMS! <cue creepy organ music> Bwah-ha-ha! Grotesque’s latest release is Contraception! Based on an innocuous, unmemorable line items from the critically-acclaimed source material Obamacare: Because if You Haven’t Got Your Health, What the Fuck Else Matters?, it was infused with “found footage” and then – stealing a page right out of movie studio marketing campaigns – re-released as the sweeping historical epic, Freedom of Religion: The Last Gasp! The new supercharged version of Contraception!, financed by overbearing executive producers like Sheldon Adelson, Foster Friess, and the Koch brothers (all of whom make Michael Eisner look positively hands off) and spectacularly marketed by current presidential hopefuls (talk about free advertising!) has taken the nation by storm. Everyone’s tuning in to watch to America’s Downton Abbey! But let us...

Dear Dr. Miro, I’ve insisted on using condoms with my girlfriend but she says she’s allergic to them. Is that even possible? I’m trying to be a responsible man but she’s making it really difficult and accusing me of not trusting her. So far this has resulted in me not getting ANY. I don’t feel like arguing about this and want to be with someone I can have sex with. Sincerely, Have Condoms Will Travel Dear HCWT, Good for you for trying to use condoms! First of all, a responsible grown up man deserves to be with someone who does not accuse him of mistrust when in reality you are doing the most trusting of all things. Your current girlfriend may indeed be “allergic” to something having to do with the condoms. Does she get a rash when using latex gloves or some band-aids? This will be a big indicator as to whether or not she has a latex sensitivity. Latex allergies are a lot more common than most people imagine. If this, indeed, is the problem, you have great options! You could get a Poly-Urethane prophylactic, like the Trojan Supra, which is actually stronger and thinner than latex while transmitting body heat. Or, you could go with a Poly-Isoprene love glove. Both Durex’s Avanti Bare and Lifestyles’ Skyn will meet that choice. These are the newest technology and cost less than other materials. PLUS, they are amazingly soft, stretchy and strong. If your GF’s sensitivity is not latex related, she may be reacting to chemicals and spermicides used in the pre-lubricated condoms, such as Nonoxynol-9. Though a seemingly a good idea, and as the name suggests, spermicides utilize substances that kill sperm. However, this happens due to the bleach like properties, which can...