Some trips are all about the journey. Other trips are all about the destination. Then, there are those trips that are all about coming home and kissing the floor because you’re so fucking happy to be back that you don’t care how much dog hair sticks to your lips. Last weekend I went to Albany to visit my grandparents in the nursing home, attend Rosh Hashannah services and take in a spontaneous funeral just for fun. Care to guess which type of trip this was? Like stepping over a dead cat on my way in to work, visiting Albany is a depressing and unsettling break in my routine. It’s an inconvenient but unavoidable opportunity to contemplate mortality, the fragility of life and all the other horrible shit that I don’t ever want to fucking think about. In fact, according to AllTheOtherHorribleShitThatIDontEverWantToFuckingThinkAbout.com, “mortality and the fragility of life” was ranked just below “picturing Jan Brewer having sex with her gardener and screaming ‘Ay, papi! punch a hole in that wall, and fill me with your anchor babies! There are 2 week old eggs up there with more civil rights than you could DREAM of!’” (her gardener was born and raised in Phoenix), but less horrible than “Mitt Romney ACTUALLY becoming the next US president” – which has been number one on the Horrible Shit list ever since replacing “Herman Cain ACTUALLY becoming the next US President”, which replaced “Michelle Bachman ACTUALLY becoming the next US President”, which replaced “Rick Perry ACTUALLY becoming the next US President”. Sigh.  I miss the Republican Primary debates. It was like watching the Heat play the Lakers and cheering for gruesome knee injuries (just as long as they’re all right for the next Olympics because I am a shameless Gold...

Dear Dr. Miro, What lowers sperm count? Sincerely, Brad Pitt Dear “BP”, An estimated eight million US couples have fertility issues, half of which involve men with poor sperm quality. There are SO many contributing factors to lowering your count. I am not sure if that is what you are trying to do or if that is what you are trying to avoid but here it goes… To understand this topic better, it is important to get a handle on where your sperm is hanging out and manufactured which is, inside the scrotum. So, first of all, beware of those skinny jeans! You have got to let those boys breathe. Careful of long exposure to extreme temperatures like standing in the freezing cold or severely hot baths. The Cremaster Muscle, responsible for letting the balls hang low or come way up tight, depending on the weather around your manly danglers, can only do so much. Sitting long amounts of time can lower sperm count. This is a major concern for cabbies, pilots, students and any other testicle-baring male who has a sedentary lifestyle. Take caution in regards to radiation emitting technologies. Try not to store your phone in the front pocket for long amounts of time and keep your laptop off of the genital region. You feel how your computer is getting hot? That is a sign TO MOVE it! An epidemic decline of sperm counts in modern man is also being blamed on environmental pollution, plastic chemicals, pesticides and unhealthy diets like junk food and sodas. Pharmaceutical drugs are another major cause of decreased swimmers. For example, the common selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressant drugs can literally bring a man’s sperm count to zero! The men of today have much poorer sperm...