Oh, to be Vin Diesel! Oh, to be a Big, Bald, American Male who Drives FAST, Kicks ASS and Speaks only in APH…orisms. OK, so, sure if you take my BMI, Passport and Genitalia’s word for it – I am, strictly speaking, a Big American Male. Incidentally – any connection between the words “Big” and “my genitalia” is strictly coincidental or intended for entertainment purposes only.  I mean, come on – a big hairy Jew with an itty-bitty pecker – now that’s comedy! It’s like an angry purple mushroom poking out of the undergrowth or a Smurf’s house in Gargamel’s forest.  You may not know this, by the way, but Gargamel and Azrael were not the original names of the characters – they were changed from Filthy Jew and Kikey after the first episode “Let’s capture Brainy Smurf and Drink his Blood for Passover Wine” did not test well. Paula Deen had similar problems, which is why she changed her show’s name to “Paula’s Home Cooking” from  “N— N—- Chicken Dinner” partially because it’s extremely offensive and racist and partially because that name was already taken by Quentin Tarantino for his cooking show. Oh Paula, if only you’d just shot a black person instead of insulting them, you’d have totally gotten away with it! So – sure, I’ve got Big American Male covered – and as far as Bald, well, my hairline has been engaged in brutal trench warfare with my forehead for over a decade and is now retreating one brutal millimeter at a time as my follicles die tragically trying to grow over the top of my scalp. But it’s not the good kind of baldness – the archetypal , uber-manly, Diesel/Willis/Rock-Johnson/Savalis “rogue cop who does what he has to do to get results even if it means bending the rules a little” baldness. No, I’m just balding in the middle-aged, nebbishy, “captain who’s pulling his hair out because the Commissioner tore me a new one when he heard about Detective Bald Manly’s latest shenanigans on the streets” kind of way. Sigh. The greatest tragedy of my working life is that I’m not the devil-may-care, wisecracking, bend the rules renegade artist but the arts administrator pulling his hair out when the Managing Director tears me a new one over the spike in utility costs resulting from Artsy McFartsy Pants latest shenanigans on stage. I knew we shouldn’t have produced “1000 Incandescent Bulbs Burning at Once While I Flush All the Toilets and Run the A/C at Full Blast For Six Hours”. Worst. Robert Wilson production of a Phillip Glass Opera. Ever. (BTW- that was just named as Reference of the Year by PretentiousTwits.com – narrowly beating out “Not since the Titan Cronus devoured his children has a parent treated an infant as cruelly as Kim Kardashian did when she named her daughter North West.” Good thing that kid’s rich cause she’ll never be happy. And the comparisons between me and Vin just get worse. He Kicks Ass whereas I Kick Ass at Excel (I live my life one Pivot Table at a time. For those six AGONIZINGLY PAINFUL FUCKING HOURS or less, I’m free). His motto is “Ride or Die” my motto is “Can I please get a ride? I’m dyin here!” He speaks only in aphorisms and I use words like “aphorism” when I speak in order to impress people. After all, you know what they say about the size of a man’s vocabulary- Don’tcha? Eh? Nothing. Absolutely Nothing. There is no demonstrable correlation between the extent of a man’s vocabulary and the dimensions of his genitals. Oh fiddlesticks. Of course, I hope you realize that I don’t aspire to be Vin Diesel the actor – star of such movies as Pitch Black, The Chronicles of Riddick…uhm…Riddick, Riddick Saves Christmas, Riddick Goes to Camp, the obligatory asinine comedy about a big strong man who faces his...

Los Angeles, CA – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin Former WWE superstar and current box office champion Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson close-lined his rep Kyle St. Kyle this morning after being informed that it’s not against “Hollywood Law” to turn down a movie. “It’s a little embarrassing to admit but two thirds of the films I’ve agreed to do came with what I thought was the threat of jail time,” admitted Johnson from the set of three different movies shooting simultaneously. “Do you think I would’ve said yes to Race to Witch Mountain, The Game Plan, Snitch, The Gridiron Gang, Walking Tall, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island or The Tooth Fairy if I didn’t think I’d be arrested?” Image Credit:...