I don’t watch a lot of television because it’s a worm hole of lost time when I should be writing or sleeping or working out or replacing the low battery in my fire alarm (sorry baby, I promise I’ll get to it this weekend). However, I did manage to watch House of Cards when Netflix released it earlier this year – lost a whole weekend – and that’s why I’m pleasantly surprised to see it recognized for the badass political drama it is. From Variety: “House of Cards” had nine nominations overall. Lead acting nominations for the series went to Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright, and David Fincher was nominated for directing the opening episode. I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but Joel Schumacher directed a few of the episodes and I never would’ve known had they not mentioned him in the credits. It’s too bad they didn’t let him make creative decisions, the only thing missing in House of Cards is visible Spacey nipples. Disappointed fans like myself will just have to check behind the bushes of London Park to see those. Along with Arrested Development, Netflix broke the platform mold for digitally distributed programming by receiving a total of 14 nominations. Which is weird because I haven’t not watched a series on Netflix for some time now. Netflix, like Google, is a verb at this point – as in, “You haven’t seen Breaking Bad? Netflix that shit before I punch you in the face.” “American Horror Story” had 17 nominations for the second year in a row, leading all programs. “Game of Thrones” had 16 to lead all series. Woah, woah, hold on. American Horror Story had 17 nominations last year? I caught the first half of that POS and stopped watching when it became abundantly clear the writers had no idea where they were going with that story. “Here Piggy Piggy” was the single dumbest subplot of the last decade. Congrats to you Game of Thrones fans. Except for “House of Cards” replacing “Boardwalk Empire,” the drama series nominations remained the same as last year: were 2012 winner “Homeland,” “Breaking Bad,” “Downton Abbey,” “Game of Thrones” and “Mad Men.” In comedy series, five of six nominees also returned: “30 Rock,” “The Big Bang Theory,” “Girls,” “Modern Family” and “Veep,” with “Louie” replacing “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” I don’t understand the love for Big Bang Theory but a lot of my friends with quality taste in programming (quality being similar to mine of course) seem to enjoy it. Every time I stumble on the Aspy Fun Hour it looks like this to me: The good news here is that Louie picked up a rightful nominatioon for best comedy series. It could’ve also been nominated for best drama series and I don’t think anyone would’ve complained. Since it was 30 Rock‘s last season I’m going to assume the voters will toss the Emmy their direction. Fine by me, it’s been one of the most consistently well-written comedies since it first aired. Nominations for reality-competition series went to longtime behemoth “The Amazing Race,” “Dancing with the Stars,” “Project Runway,” “So You Think You Can Dance,” “Top Chef” and “The Voice.” In reality program, the noms were “Antiques Roadshow,” “Deadliest Catch,” “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” “MythBusters,” “Shark Tank” and “Undercover Boss.” No Chopped? “Hello, police, I’d like to report a robbery. Can I describe the suspect? Yes, he’s got spiked, frosted blond hair with dark roots. An obnoxious van dyke…uh huh, right, the kind that fat guys wear to hide their chin. Stupid sunglasses, shorts, faux-rockabilly style shirt. Is he the lead singer of Smash Mouth? I don’t think so. You know what, let me text you his picture.” Lead drama actor nominations went to defending champ Damian Lewis of “Homeland,” Hugh Bonneville (“Downton Abbey”), Bryan Cranston (“Breaking Bad”), Jeff Daniels (“The Newsroom”), Jon Hamm (“Mad Men”) and Spacey. My...

Due to a busy week, I didn’t have time to put together an all new Friday 5er. I probably should’ve saved the M. Night Shyamalan article for that but hey, as my wife knows all too well, I’m not that bright. So instead of an original post, I thought it would be fun to take a brief look back at the best of everyone’s favorite second-rate Onion ripoff. Below are the five top viewed articles, which means they’re chosen by you – the public. I’m nothing if not a man of the people:   5. Mime Cokes To Death During Performance; Receives Thunderous Applause. Amidst what was called a tour-de-force by spectators, street performer Francois Armand accidentally swallowed a chain of scarves and passed away from suffocation at the Santa Monica Promenade Wednesday afternoon. The scarves, which he normally hid in his mouth at the beginning of the routine, were intended for the finale but became lodged in his throat while attempting to escape from an invisible box. The unfortunate event was witnessed by thirty-six people, none-of-whom stopped to help him. “I thought he was tearing it up,” said Andrea Carpenter, a UCLA student waiting in line at the Apple Store, “At no point did I think he was ever in a stiff wind but the choking thing, that was so realistic I was like ‘damn, you go mime.” Services for Armand will be held at the Our Lady of the Obvious Joke church this Sunday at six o’clock.   4. Overweight Man Forgets To Post Daily Gym Picture On Facebook; Friends Worried. A 268-pound Portland resident prompted concern from his peers after neglecting to post a gym picture to Facebook last night. For the past six weeks, Bertrand Kelm has provided photographic evidence of himself on either a treadmill or an elliptical machine every day, but last evening friends were disturbed to discover no such picture. “I’m speechless,” said Aimee Harvin, coworker and object of Kelm’s unrequited affection. “There’s so much wrong with the world, Bert’s daily exercise updates give me hope that things can get better.” Hayden Smythe, someone Bert met at a birthday party two years ago, agrees. “That a single man in his late 20?s with relatively few obligations can find the strength to take better care of himself inspires all of us. I hope he hasn’t given up.” While wiping a tear from his eye, Smythe paused for reflection. “Bert, if you’re reading this, please don’t stop, humanity needs you.” UPDATE: Fierce and Nerdy has discovered that Mr. Kelm’s phone battery died at the end of his last workout. He has since allayed his friends’ fears with an uplifting status update complete with pictures of a chicken salad and a scale displaying half-a-pound weight loss.   3. Veterinarian Says Cats Won’t Go In Litter Box Because Screw You, That’s Why. After a ten year study of feline behavior, Veterinarian Genesis Allen, concluded this morning that cats who won’t defecate in their litter boxes are punishing their owners for reasons only they understand. “You may have cuddled with them too much,” said Allen regarding possible causes. “Or you may not have cuddled long enough. Maybe they didn’t like their new food. Maybe they’re tired of the old food. Maybe they didn’t appreciate you petting a dog. Maybe they didn’t like the way you ignored a dog. Who the hell knows?” Dr. Allen went on to say that after spending a decade “chronicling these bastards” all he can say is, “scientifically speaking, cats are hairball-puking judgement machines with the ethical standards of a tyrant and the emotional stability of an overweight teenage girl.” The 150 page study entitled Why Didn’t I Listen To My Mother And Become A Dentist is available for download on Dr. Allen’s website.   2. Man Hasn’t Seen Game Of Thrones; What An Asshole. A white male in his early thirties, who...