The crazy thing about Republicans at the RNC is that they look almost like human beings. How weird is that? I mean, sure, with their red ties, stupid hats and piggy little eyes that shine with greed and fear they look like an army of angry Stay Puft Marshmallow Men but still, they’re mostly humanoid in appearance. They have hands which clap, voices which hoot and holler, and legs which hold them up during standing ovations. But that’s where the similarity between “Republicans” and “human beings” ends because the things they are clapping, hooting and standing for are things that would make actual human beings respond with stunned silence and revulsion rather than enthusiastic cheering and applause. Things like “let’s repeal a law that provides affordable health care access to millions, and is actually based on our own ideas, which we now renounce because we’re a bunch of self-serving hypocrites” (HURRAY?) “let’s take away a woman’s right to choose even in cases of rape and incest because they must be a bunch of whores if they got raped in the first place” (YIPPIE???), “Let’s dismantle crucial social programs so that we can continue to give tax incentives to the millionaires who ruined the economy in the first place and should be rotting in jail but instead continue to get rich while regular Americans suffer!” (WHOOP-WHOOP????) Seriously, I haven’t seen this many rich looking people applauding pure evil since I last watched the ballroom scene in They Live. Obama should change his campaign slogan to: “It’s 2012, and I’m all out of bubble-gum”. I usually don’t watch the RNC for the same reason that I don’t go to Laker victory parades. Why would I want to go to a pep rally for a team I...

The Ancient Greeks didn’t worry about whether God loved them. They didn’t wring their hands over the fact that God allowed evil to thrive in the world and didn’t struggle with the way that God permitted the righteous to suffer while the wicked prospered. That’s because, in Ancient Greece, the Gods were a bunch of dicks. Zeus was particularly nasty- he lorded over the universe like an omnipotent frat boy with lightning bolts. He was far less concerned with the meek inheriting the earth than he was in changing into a swan and fucking the meek’s wife (they had a pretty loose grip of zoology, as well.) The rest of the gods were no better- just a bunch of mean spirited, petty, vindictive, narcissistic, spiteful bastards who absolutely didn’t give a shit about humanity. It must have been wonderfully liberating in a way- like having a Republican president. After all, when Bush and co. were in power, we didn’t wring our hands and wonder WHY they were leading us into one pointless war after another for the sole benefit of their rich cronies or WHY they were making disastrously short-sighted fiscal policy decisions. We knew perfectly well why- they were dicks. They did irresponsible, self-centered, evil, destructive, selfish things because they were irresponsible, self-centered, evil, destructive selfish cocksuckers- plain and simple. All we had to do was fear them, loathe them and mock them. With the advent of Judaism, though and the election of Obama, things became more complicated. Now we have to wrestle with thorny and difficult philosophical questions like WHY does God allow bad things to happen to good people, WHY does God turn his back on his supposedly chosen people as they are persecuted and killed, WHY did Obama extend the...