Recently, in the comments for my post on the perils and ennui of FMLA, Ernessa requested that I address Paternity Leave, since my post was more focused on Maternity Leave. So, for Ernessa and all you men out there who are about to be fathers, maybe could someday be fathers, don’t want to be fathers but might be kind of curious why they had to cover for Joey last year when his wife had twins, or wives/baby mamas who need ammunition in their arguments with their husbands/baby daddies as to why they need to take time off to care for the new baby—this one is for you. True story, here is a reenactment of a conversation I had once with an executive regarding paternity leave: Me: Hi Dave, I just heard from Mike that he is going to be taking Paternity Leave for a month in August. Dave: (laughing) Paternity Leave? Me: Yes, his wife is due August 1, so he’s thinking it will start around then. Dave: (laughing harder) Paternity Leave? Me: Yes, so we have a couple of months to plan ahead. Do you need any resources from HR to help plan for his absence? A temp employee perhaps? Dave: (still laughing) Come on… Me: So, you should think about coordinating schedules, especially if others in that department are planning on taking vacation in August… Dave: (laughing a little less) Seriously? Paternity Leave? Me: Yes Dave: Is that even a thing? Me: Yes Dave: (not laughing anymore) For a month?!? Me: Well he’s eligible for 12 weeks, he’s only taking a month Dave: And we have to let him do this? Yes Dave, sorry to say, but in 2012 Paternity Leave is no joke. And that’s great, right? Yay men! Now not...

Dear Madame HR, I recently found out I’m pregnant and I’m terrified to tell my boss. Last year my co-worker had a baby and when she came back they transferred her to a crappy job where she files all day. I heard a rumor that they fired someone else when she was on maternity leave. I can’t afford to lose my job, what do I do? –Knocked up Dear Knocked Up, Well, first of all, congratulations on your forthcoming bundle of joy. I’m sure you are feeling enough stress, and probably a little nausea right now, and that’s before you even start to think about the quagmire that is leave law in this state/country. Leave laws are one of those things that most HR professionals still have to research every time they come up because they are an alphabet soup of confusion. I feel like it took me years to really understand, not only what all the acronyms stand for, but what they actually mean. And I feel like that’s happened because the females at my current company are a fertile lot. I have between four and eleven women on maternity leave at any given time so I feel like I can recite the laws in my sleep. Leave laws are one of those funny things that exist purely to force employers to be compassionate. Employers hate shit like that. From the employer perspective, I get it, it’s hard to keep positions open while someone is gone for 1-3 months. On the other side though, why should you lose out just because you get sick/have a baby/need to care for a sick relative, etc. So I get it, really I do. Leave laws are important, okay. That being said they are also a big...