From fifty-foot posters of dead fetuses to buckets of real, human blood dumped on patrons of health clinics, the anti-abortion movement lustily embraced the fantastical and spectacular elements of Grand Guignol storytelling. And while the Great Anti-Abortion Movement sadly devolved into Splatter Cinema (killing innocent doctors and patients), its generally agreed that it provided some of the most compelling theatre in our country’s history. Indeed, it set a high bar that’s tough to follow. But in today’s brave new world, things are more complex. More nuanced. This is a world in which a cluster of four cells and corporations are people with rights. In which the majority is now being oppressed and Marriage is on the brink of extinction! We need a new way to tell these more sophisticated stories. Enter, Stage Right: New Theatre of the Grotesque (NTG) NTG is storytelling in which assumedly rational adults are seemingly in charge of their own decisions in a society where purportedly everyone is equal. Except… NOTHING IS AS IT SEEMS! <cue creepy organ music> Bwah-ha-ha! Grotesque’s latest release is Contraception! Based on an innocuous, unmemorable line items from the critically-acclaimed source material Obamacare: Because if You Haven’t Got Your Health, What the Fuck Else Matters?, it was infused with “found footage” and then – stealing a page right out of movie studio marketing campaigns – re-released as the sweeping historical epic, Freedom of Religion: The Last Gasp! The new supercharged version of Contraception!, financed by overbearing executive producers like Sheldon Adelson, Foster Friess, and the Koch brothers (all of whom make Michael Eisner look positively hands off) and spectacularly marketed by current presidential hopefuls (talk about free advertising!) has taken the nation by storm. Everyone’s tuning in to watch to America’s Downton Abbey! But let us...

Dear Dr. Miro, How do I tell someone I’m with that I have an STD without scaring them away? When should I even do that? How could anyone want to be with me when they find out I have genital herpes? It’s not like I’ve been with that many people but I still feel totally gross. Sincerely, Depressed & Dirtied Dear D&D, First of all, I am sure you have way more to offer than what’s going on between your legs. Having an STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) does not imply you have had a lot of partners or you are a bad person. It simply means you may not have been well informed. It only takes once to contract an STI. The time for disclosure is a tricky one in that it does not need to be the first thing your potential sex partner knows about you but it should be addressed before you get naked together. Really, it depends on the situation. If you are dating, disclosure is definitely not suggested, or necessary, on the first date. Let your love interest get to know you a bit. Make sure when you do bring this up, you are both planning on sleeping together. Since you will already be in a vulnerable state, it a wise idea to broach the topic while you are both fully clothed. Understand, if your potential sex mate gets uncomfortable and cannot handle your reality, they may need to get up and sort it out in his or her head. As you decide upon the right time, stay in your place of personal power and authenticity. Remind yourself: you are a good, loving, sentient being who just happens to have made this one mistake. Based on the fact you do...

The small prop plane suddenly drops out of equilibrium, careening sharply into the volcano.  It swoops down, losing altitude as it tilts at a nearly 90 degree angle.  The three other passengers and I hold on for dear life certain that we’re about to crash into a crater.  A moment ago, we were placidly snapping photos of a cool geological feature.  Now we’re more or less certain that the volcano is the last thing we’ll ever see.  Steam jets from a crevasse that can’t be more than 20 feet away from us.  I can almost feel the heat. I’m one day into my 35th year and I’m about to die.  It’ll be like a bad joke:  Two Americans, an Australian, an Israeli, and an Austrian crash into a volcano. . .Of course. Every year, I like to do something interesting for my birthday.  I’ve confronted my religious prejudices, gone on the Dr. Phil show, skydiving.  All sorts of stuff.  This year, I decided to go camping in Alaska.  Up until this whole airplane incident, it had been going well.  I’d met new friends from England, Australia, Germany, Austria, Switzerland and Israel.  We’d all slogged through the rain to a vast glacier together, cooked together, gone kayaking with porpoises, seals and sea otters.  The group had surprised me with a birthday cake on my actual birthday and we’d eaten it on a beach, snowcapped mountains visible through a faint misting rain. Not bad.  Then I went and pushed my luck by signing up for this scenic bear viewing flight. It all started so promisingly.  We arrived at the airfield on time.  The pilot outfitted us with hip wading boots that would keep us dry as we tracked bears along a river.  We took off into...