THC in Semen? [Ask Dr. Miro: What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class]

Dear Dr. Miro, My boyfriend smokes a lot of weed and we don’t use condoms. I have a drug test next week. Can I test positive for THC from him coming inside me? Sincerely, Naturally Paranoid Dear NP, If testing positive for THC from ejaculate intake was possible, there would more than likely be a Seth Rogen film with that as a sub-plot. THC is short for Tetrahydrocannabinol, which is the principle psychoactive ingredient in cannabis. We have all heard of the false positives for opiates after eating a poppy seed muffin and so the silence on this matter pushes me to the conclusion of NO. As this is not a good method for reaching scientific conclusions, I began further research. Amielle Moreno, a Seattle based Research Scientist, had this to say, “Let’s go over facts: THC is fat solvable and it’s also found in hair which is protein. Semen includes a large amount of protein, but the amount of THC in semen would be negligible. The THC has already been processed by one person before it gets in contact with a vagina, mouth or rectum. I don’t think it would be enough to test positive.” Since fats are processed through an entirely different system than that of the reproductive, their transference is highly unlikely in detectable quantities. You see, THC is metabolized mainly in the liver. It is detected through hair, urine, blood, “oral fluid” and sweat. There seems to be no evidence of it being found in genital fluids. Another researcher, who wishes to remain anonymous, brought up the additional argument against THC being transferred through sperm with the following, “Semen, as a vehicle for genetic material, would have no evolutionary advantage in bringing along extraneous chemicals like THC in the ejaculate....

Getting High for the High Holidays and Other Helpful Hints [California Seething]...

The Ancient Greeks didn’t worry about whether God loved them. They didn’t wring their hands over the fact that God allowed evil to thrive in the world and didn’t struggle with the way that God permitted the righteous to suffer while the wicked prospered. That’s because, in Ancient Greece, the Gods were a bunch of dicks. Zeus was particularly nasty- he lorded over the universe like an omnipotent frat boy with lightning bolts. He was far less concerned with the meek inheriting the earth than he was in changing into a swan and fucking the meek’s wife (they had a pretty loose grip of zoology, as well.) The rest of the gods were no better- just a bunch of mean spirited, petty, vindictive, narcissistic, spiteful bastards who absolutely didn’t give a shit about humanity. It must have been wonderfully liberating in a way- like having a Republican president. After all, when Bush and co. were in power, we didn’t wring our hands and wonder WHY they were leading us into one pointless war after another for the sole benefit of their rich cronies or WHY they were making disastrously short-sighted fiscal policy decisions. We knew perfectly well why- they were dicks. They did irresponsible, self-centered, evil, destructive, selfish things because they were irresponsible, self-centered, evil, destructive selfish cocksuckers- plain and simple. All we had to do was fear them, loathe them and mock them. With the advent of Judaism, though and the election of Obama, things became more complicated. Now we have to wrestle with thorny and difficult philosophical questions like WHY does God allow bad things to happen to good people, WHY does God turn his back on his supposedly chosen people as they are persecuted and killed, WHY did Obama extend the...