The Ultimate Guy List [Frankie Says]

Frankie V. says…

As a big proponent of list-making, I think every single person should try writing a down all the qualities they want in a significant other – whether attached or not.

I know this sounds like stupid new-age BS, which I can’t stand. (Like everyone and their mother picking up yoga because they think it’s cool. It’s not cool, people! It’s fucking hard. And it’s supposed to be. Not everyone is supposed to be able to just waltz into a class and get into Warrior Three without looking like a flaccid duck searching for a landing. It takes years of study and dedication. So don’t tell me you ‘do yoga’ when I can clearly see you have no idea how to do it.)

Where was I? Ah yes, list the qualities of someone you’d ultimately like to be in a relationship with. If you’re single it’s something to preoccupy yourself with instead of thinking about how you’re single; and if you’re attached, it’s to clarify that you’re with the right person.

I only did it because my friend Rhea told me to. She told me that when she did it within 30 days she met her current live-in boyfriend. She explained it as if it were some magic spell that would instantly be puffed out into the universe and would send me a boyfriend.

Well, what else do I have going for me?

So I wrote it, and that definitely didn’t happen. Not that I actually thought it would. But I like being able to look back at this list and know that at least in my fantasy world I’ve got a guy that returns my phone calls and likes to have sex a lot.

(Rhea also thinks that I purposely, albeit unconsciously, sabotage any possible relationship with a guy because I’m not actually ready for one… but that involves a lot more soul-searching than I have the energy for right now.)

My list ended up being harder to write than I thought. I didn’t want to be too specific, but then I didn’t want to leave out important matters like political party affiliation. Below is what I desire in a boyfriend – in no particular order.

What I Want in a Guy

1. He must have a job/steady work
2. He must make me laugh
3. He must be able to talk about emotions/serious issues
4. I need to be sexually attracted to him/he needs to be attractive, at least to me
5. He must not leave me hanging without a phone call for more than 24 hours
6. He needs to love his mother/family
7. He needs to be over 28 years old
8. He cannot be a Republican
9. He cannot be Christian or particularly religious in any respect
10. He must love sex as much as I do

Over the last six months since I’ve written this, I have met not one man that hits at least three of these qualities. I thought I could settle for at least half of the list – a funny, attractive 30-year-old, with no job who calls me but not his family, and loves sex [2, 4, 5, 7, 10]. But I’m haven’t even met one guy who can return my phone calls/texts promptly. So naturally, I don’t even get the chance to find out if he’s a 2-4-5-7-10.

The problem here is that this all may be a much grander issue that I’m not willing to admit to quite yet. It’s not that these guys don’t have these qualities – maybe they do. But when I don’t get a second date, how can I ever find out? I’m not meeting the guys that like me. If they liked me, they’d call back, right? It’s the whole ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ issue. And I have no problem that they’re not into me. I have a problem with them acting like their into me, getting me into bed or at least my guard down, then disappearing into thin air.

I know I’m complaining. But 4-years single come January, I think I may have a right to complain.

(Just to clarify – there is no conclusion to this blog because there is no conclusion to the situation in my life. It is an ongoing ‘situation’ and until I meet Mr. Right, I will probably write about the other 1,478 things that suck about dating and the 6 things that are great about it.)

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featured image credit: CarynNL