Venice Flytrap: The Strange Case of (My Date with) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

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a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom

Photo Credit: Jean-Phillipe Rebuffet

I’m lying on the floor, actually I’m stuck on the floor, caught in the doorway that separates my roommate, Lauren’s and my bedrooms from the rest of the apartment. With my arm extended straight up I yell for Lauren. her bedroom door is wide open, I think she is folding laundry. I’m five feet away and in need of a lift. What does she do? Laugh. That’s it. She laughs and shakes her head while saying, “No I’m not gonna help you up.”

“Oh come on! Don’t you know what kind of day I’ve had? Come on I can’t get up! Please?”

“Nope, sorry.” (snort, giggle)

Considering she helped me get this way, you would think she’d be more sympathatic.

Confused?

So am I, but maybe we can figure it out together. About half an hour ago I returned home from an impromptu date with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Rewind back and it’s early Sunday morning, one that started with the best of intentions which were blown away after measuring myself to see how my diet was working. The reveal; it’s not, not working at all. Depression and exhaustion sweep through me as I put the tape measure down and head ot the kitchen for tea. Halfway there I collapse on the floor in a weepy ball of snot and tears.

Things have been tough, life has been smacking me around lately and I have the bruises to prove it. SO I guess I hit my breaking point. Deciding it best I cancel my plans and head to church. This usually predictable pick-me-up fails. I leave thinking a cheeseburger might do the trick. Luckily I have a gift certificate to Island’s, a thrilling realization for my unemployed wallet. With cert and book (Durang) in basket, I peddle off on my old blue bike.

A root beer float, mushroom cheeseburger, two orders of fries and many pages later I am feeling better. Yet I think I could feel better still. I figure a gin and tonic will help. I’m right it does and halfway through I am giggling at Durang again. It’s at this point that I notice the man at the other side of the bar. He is attractive, drinking a beer and smiling at me. Instinct tells me to stare at my shoes, gulp my drink and run out the door.

But no!

Instinct always tells me to do that because I am shy around men. Today is different, today sucks, so I’m gonna try something new. I smile back, sort of, then nervously finish my drink. A second later there is another one in front of me from you know who.

Alright I’m game.

I take the drink and head over. We talk, the conversation is good, he’s older than me by at least 15 years, but it’s LA so who cares? Dr. Jekyll suggests heading down to Hinanu’s to shoot some pool, it’s a good suggestion. When he goes to the bathroom I get my bill, but the bartender doesn’t pick it up in time and Dr. Jekyll comes back. He insists on paying for the whole thing.

(slight  protest) “Well ok if you insist.”

Sweet! My gift certificate lives to see another day.

Down the street and things continue to go great. We play a couple games of doubles with some funny regulars. The subject of roller derby comes up, but NOBODY grills me about it, so nice. I enjoy two ice cold bottles of cider. Dr. Jekyll has some beers as well. Suddenly he says,

“Hey are you hungry? Want some sushi?”
I think no I’m not hungry, but Hell yes I want some sushi!
He wants to go to Hama Sushi, which pleases me greatly. Hama is not only the best by the beach, but it’s real close to my place. I’m well aware that I have a wobbly bike ride home coming up.

We meet up there, take a seat at the sushi bar where Dr. Jekyll orders torro and sake. I’ve never had torro before, so after the small orgasm I receive from the first piece I wonder why. What has kept me from this slice of buttery, fishy goodness? I look up at the specials board and the answer is plain as day. Torro is $16 an order! Yeah I’d never pay that much for a slice of fish, but I’ll let someone else, and he did a few times.

The sake arrived  poured from a long bamboo husk into a 6oz. juice glass until it flowed over the top and filled the bamboo box holding the glass. That’s alot of sake, so I was pretty surprised when Dr. Jekyll drained half his glass after our toast.

I was even more surprised when My. Hyde turned to face me after setting the glass down.

True shock, though, came when he picked up his unseen baggage, slammed it on the bar, opened it and started throwing his dirty laundry at me. In one gulp I went from being the cute, fun girl he met at Island’s to every bitch that ever stomped on his heart. The conversation became a one sided argument instantly.

He would say something and I would reply only to be cut off by Mr. Hyde getting in my face to say, “You don’t know. You have no idea!”

Then he would rant, drink, order more fish and encourage me to do the same. Of course every selection I made must have been impalatable as the poor thing winced and gagged on the pieces I enjoyed. Insane comments came  along with the said and red snapper. At the end of his first glass of sake he turned, looked me dead in the eye and said, “I like you so much I have to  find a reason to hate you.”

!!??WHAT??!!

As we progressed through the second glass he repeated that statement, threw in a few more choice insults, then began telling me how hard it is to be a woman.

“Oh I KNOW(big eye roll) you have it hard. I get it ok?”
“Ok, but I never said anything about that, so where did you….”
“Trust me, I’ve heard it.”
“Sure it’s difficult, but it’s not that hard. You learn to deal with…..”
Mr. Hyde takes a deep breath, “You’ve CONFORMED.”
I began choking on my tuna. “I’ve conformed?? I’VE CONFORMED?? Do you know what I do? What I teach 8 year old girls to do while wearing roller skates?”
“Yeah I know, I know, youre a tough chick.”
“No. You know what I am? Do you have any idea what you have sitting beside you?”
“No, what?”
“I’m the real deal. The genuine article.”
After I said this he pauses, looks down, chuckles, turns to face me, puts his finger in my face and say, “Then shut the fuck up right now.”

Breathe Kelly breathe. Don’t get arrested for hitting this fool. I think it’s time to leave. Yep get up and go.Then this little voice in the back of my head says, “Wait for the Dragon Roll.”

Yeah that’s what I’ll do, wait for the Dragon Roll and when it gets here I’ll just pick it up and walk out the door. So I finished my second glass of sake and waited while he raved. Finally I couldn’t stand it anymore I looked and him and asked, “Who hurt you?”

This stopped him cold. After some time he replied, “Who hasn’t hurt me?”
“Everybody gets hurt, you have to let it go.”
“Not when it keeps happening. Look how much I’ve spent on you today. The torro, sake, your taps at Island’s.”
“Yes but I never asked for that. This was all your idea.”
“Well you sure took advantage.”
“Until now we were having fun.” GOD! Where is that Dragon Roll?
“What,” he says “you aren’t having fun?”
“Not really.”
“You’re just like everyone else, every other bitch that takes my money. That’s all you see,huh?”

He continued on, but I’d had it. No wonder this fool was 40+ and still single. Very simply I turned, hooked my fingers under my bags and said,” I’m sorry someone hurt you.”

Then in one slick motion I stood up, threw the bags over my shoulders, pushed my chair in and walked out the door.

Never once did I look back. The hostess smiled at me and said goodnight, I did the same.

I was right the bike right home was a wobbly one. As soon as I got home, I flopped on the couch and began telling Lauren my story. Halfway through she lit a joint and we laughed. Then somehow after a trip to the toilet I ended up on the floor, right back where I began.