Wealth Turns LA Woman From 5 To 8 According To Personal Trainer; Sexism Over [Daily News Brief]

Santa Monica, CA – Thursday
By Joshua Mauldin

When asking her personal trainer how she ranks on a scale of 1 to 10 this morning, 43-year-old entertainment executive Marilyn Gull was shocked to discover that on looks alone she was a 5.

However, when her “pocketbook” was taken into consideration, her ranking increased to an 8.

“After my husband left me for a 22-year-old dancer, I was destroyed,” said Marilyn through a melancholy grin.

“No matter how much I had accomplished on a professional level, I was still doomed by the patriarchal rules of attraction.”

Shallow men of an average-to-poor aesthetic have long been able to use success to secure attractive women half their age. Women of equal means have had a difficult time duplicating that dynamic – until now.

“When I was young, I dreamed of a world where women, no matter how unappealing our physical appearance might be, could work hard enough to attract sexy, young idiots.”

Bryce Fischer, Marilyn’s personal trainer, echoed her excitement.

“I only do this gig during the day. I’m actually a double threat writer/actor. I’ve got this awesome idea about a ripped personal trainer who saves LA from fat aliens. If I’m going to play the lead, I need to know people who know people. Banging this old broad gets my foot in the door.”

“Banging this old broad,” Marilyn laughed. “He’s so cute.”

Feature Image Credit: The Independent