Wow! It’s Wednesday! (Don’t) Talk to Me
So I like to talk. A lot. This used to be an issue for me. I would leave parties or events and feel bad. Did so-in-so feel I monopolized the conversation? Were they just nodding along to get me to shut up? Why can’t I ever just listen quietly? Stoopid! Stoopid! Stoopid!
Around the age of 30, however, I stopped beating myself up about this quality of my personality and just accept it. For one thing, I’ve met a lot of great people because I talk too much. My natural inclination is to be shy, so I find talking alleviates those intense feelings of self-consciousness when I speak to people. My sister is also shy and sometimes people feel uncomfortable when they meet her, b/c she goes monosyllabic and quiet when try to talk to her, so I think my talking my way out of shyness is the better solution.
The other thing that makes me feel better about this situation is that I am pretty self-aware about this issue. I noticed the other day that I’ve become a little mean when it comes to aggressive talkers. By aggressive, I don’t just mean people who talk a lot. I love talking with other interesting people who talk a lot.
I mean people that talk a lot to you although you’re trying to do something else. Back when I had an office job, I never really understood co-workers who would come up to me while I was reading and try to start conversations. This also goes for seat mates on planes, who insist on talking to you, while you’re writing or reading or listening to music. Our housekeeper, who comes in every other week, is one of those people:
I can’t sit in any of the common areas, b/c he’ll try to talk to me while I’m getting Fierce and Nerdy to bed. To avoid this, I began actually working in our office on Tuesday nights, which he rarely needs to clean, since CH and I barely use it, preferring our bed and couch instead for laptop activities. This worked for like a month or so, but lately the housekeeper’s love of talking has had him breaking past the closed door barrier and rambling on while he wipes down surfaces that have collected no dust.
The same goes for a person that we’re currently doing business with. He’s a nice enough guy, but it’s always hard to end a conversation with him, because everything you say is a time bomb of talk.
Us: Well, we have to go now. We still haven’t eaten breakfast.
Him: Where are you going for breakfast?
Us (rather warily): Millies
Him: Oh, I knew the original family that owned Millies. Great history that place …
And he’s off. He doesn’t seem to mind that we want to go or that our eyes are glazed over or that my pregnant belly is grumbling, he just keeps on talking.
I’ve noticed this problem seems to run particularly deep with men. Women are often portrayed in popular entertainment as prattling on or talking to much to men who’d rather not hear them flap their gums so much. But the guy that talks too much is common in real life, but rarely portrayed. So I think while most women are aware that they might be monopolizing the conversations and have learned to pick up the social cues to stop talking when it’s not being reciprocated, many men are rather oblivious to having a problem.
So to other women with my love of talking, I say, don’t feel so bad. If you’re aware that you talk a lot, then you’re probably not going too far. However, you guys might want to self-examine a little more.
Interestingly, I still haven’t figured out a way to extract myself politely from conversations when I’m trying to go somewhere or do anything else. I always end up feeling either rude or resentful afterwards. So if anyone has any ideas about gracefully getting out of one-sided conversation, please let us know in the comments.
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Ha-ha, I am totally with you on people who won't shut up when I am trying to get work done or go somewhere. I never know how to excuse myself.
I do like people who talk a lot at parties and gatherings though (as long as they are interesting). I hate trying to make small talk and I am a little shy in new situations, so it makes me feel more at ease when someone else carries the conversation, plus I learn a lot!
Oh, and I never ever thought you talked too much. I think people who are interesting and have witty things to say that aren't always centered around themselves can never talk too much.
Ha-ha, I am totally with you on people who won't shut up when I am trying to get work done or go somewhere. I never know how to excuse myself.
I do like people who talk a lot at parties and gatherings though (as long as they are interesting). I hate trying to make small talk and I am a little shy in new situations, so it makes me feel more at ease when someone else carries the conversation, plus I learn a lot!
Oh, and I never ever thought you talked too much. I think people who are interesting and have witty things to say that aren't always centered around themselves can never talk too much.
I think men are more apt to be aggressive talkers. I think, based, of course, on my years of study on this topic, that since women are hyper-aware of the stereotype, they are taught from an early age to be self-aware about it and me, as in so many other things, are allowed to remain ignorant of the fact that sometimes you just need to say goodbye and walk away from the conversation.
My favorite conversation ender is: "That is so interesting, but I really have to get to this meeting/appointment/lobotomy. Can I call you later? I really want to hear the end of that story."
Or some variant of that. It works really well at work. But since you are keeping promises, you would have to actually call later.
I think men are more apt to be aggressive talkers. I think, based, of course, on my years of study on this topic, that since women are hyper-aware of the stereotype, they are taught from an early age to be self-aware about it and me, as in so many other things, are allowed to remain ignorant of the fact that sometimes you just need to say goodbye and walk away from the conversation.
My favorite conversation ender is: "That is so interesting, but I really have to get to this meeting/appointment/lobotomy. Can I call you later? I really want to hear the end of that story."
Or some variant of that. It works really well at work. But since you are keeping promises, you would have to actually call later.
It seems like some people are magnets for aggressive talkers. I went to a museum with a friend recently, and more than once he got stuck in one spot because someone had started talking to him and ended up spilling their guts.
But the flip side is that some people repel aggressive talkers, like my husband. He appears markedly disinterested (no polite smiling and nodding like most of us do) and people give up quickly around him.
If you didn't feel comfortable being honest with someone like your housecleaner, because it might damage the working relationship to tell him to just get to work, I would set a series of cell phone alarms to go off every 20 minutes while he's in the house and give you an out. It will look like the phone is ringing, and you can shoo him away. Not the most grownup way to handle it, but it would probably work pretty well.
Soon, you'll have Betty to use as an excuse.
It seems like some people are magnets for aggressive talkers. I went to a museum with a friend recently, and more than once he got stuck in one spot because someone had started talking to him and ended up spilling their guts.
But the flip side is that some people repel aggressive talkers, like my husband. He appears markedly disinterested (no polite smiling and nodding like most of us do) and people give up quickly around him.
If you didn't feel comfortable being honest with someone like your housecleaner, because it might damage the working relationship to tell him to just get to work, I would set a series of cell phone alarms to go off every 20 minutes while he's in the house and give you an out. It will look like the phone is ringing, and you can shoo him away. Not the most grownup way to handle it, but it would probably work pretty well.
Soon, you'll have Betty to use as an excuse.