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Wow! It’s Wednesday! The Perfect Set of Headphones

I recently had brunch with a friend who’s a doctor, her boyfriend, who is also a doctor, and a couple of their mutual friends, who are also doctors. The four spent much of that brunch fielding medical questions from the rest of us at the table. So when I saw these stethoscope headphones, they immediately struck me as dumb. Who would want a pair of headphones that made you look like you knew something about medicine? I imagine the wearers would immediately be pummeled with medical questions whenever they went out in public, and would soon stop wearing them, so as not to get harassed.

Soon after seeing that LikeCool post, I read a Seth Godin post about the $300 Dr. Dre headphones (pictured). Unlike a lot of people who might gasp at that price tag, I didn’t find it egregious, because I couldn’t see myself paying $300 for headphones or earphone, I found it egregious because headphones — and especially earphones — keep on getting more expensive without adding the features I truly want.

I wear earphones every single day. I wear them while I’m writing, while I’m walking, while I’m exercising, and while I’m cleaning. If an audiobook is particularly good, I will stick an earbud in one ear and listen to the book, while I’m driving. I’m fairly sure that I’m losing my hearing because of earphone abuse. This is all to prove that I’m what you might call a earphone expert.

This is what would make me spend $300 dollars on a set of earphones, and I think that quite a few other earphone abusers would agree with me.

1. Design-wise, just a simple pair of iPhone level earbuds will do. I don’t need them to have special bud covers that contour to my ears — especially if the earphones become useless without those special covers. I am a scatter brain and all I do is lose them. In fact, my husband, who is absolutely not a scatter brain has lost them. That’s because these special covers are really effing easy to lose. They’re not worth it. No one ever wants to go through the hassle of replacing them, and we end up going back to regular, reasonably-priced earphones that don’t need special bud covers to contour to your ears. The truth is that we’re big kids, fully capable of dealing with earphones that don’t fully contour to our ears. So this is what I would call a useless feature for my proposed earphones.

2. However, I will need to take calls with these earphones, so please put a receiver on the cord. But not just any old receiver, a receiver that will work even if I’m talking to someone else who is also using her earphones to talk handsfree. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to unplug because my BFF was also using her handsfree. That’s annoying. What we need is a handsfree receiver that doesn’t disrupt or get disrupted by other handsfree devices.

3. I’ll need my headphones to be indestructible. Listen, I’m clumsy. I’ve stepped on earbuds, slammed them in car doors, rolled over them, dropped them in toilets — I know how to destroy a perfectly good set of earphones. But I know it’s not just me. I hear that clumsiness is pretty common among us nerd folks. So what I need earphone companies to do is create a set of earphones that will survive whatever I do it to them.

4. Most of all, I need them to come with some kind of GPS installed. My number one reason for not being able to get out of the house when I’m headed to Starbucks to write: I can’t find my friggin headphones. They hide in the pockets of previous outfits, on the dinner table, in couch cushions. Sometimes the baby walks away with them and leaves them someplace crazy. What’s sad is that most often my reason  for buying new headphones is simply that I can’t find the old ones. So a small GPS chip installed in the receiver and an iPhone app that allows me to locate my earphones easily would definitely be worth a higher price tag.

Well, that’s my short list of what all I need to get me to spend $300 on a pair of headphones. Have anything to add to the list? Sound off in the comments. Who knows someone from Bose might see this.