Sex Through the Floorboards: Ask Dr. Miro [What You Didn’t Learn in Health Class]

Dear Dr. Miro,

My new apartment is right above my landlord’s and noise travels through the shoddy wooden floors way too clearly. I am nervous about using my vibrator or having any Gentlemen Callers over for fear of the sounds traveling into The Man’s ears. What are my options?

Sincerely,

Anita Makesum Noise

Dear AMN,

Ah, yes: the joys of apartment dwelling! First of all, put down carpets. And I mean everywhere. Go ahead, layer those plush babies! Get material you like the color of, from a fabric supply store, and instead of painting the walls, tack the pretty sound absorbers up. These two moves will definitely cut down on the echoes of your Pants-less Parties. You can also hang clothes and hats up to deflect on the bouncing of sound. Another thing to do is to play music or TV so that the sounds get mixed together and it is not that obvious. However, the effect, if not carried out correctly, can be similar to the 14 year old boy who thinks room spray will cover the smell of cigarettes when in fact it, it makes his room smell like the spray and his off-limits cigarettes!

Second, you are just going to have to accept that he may hear you. I know it can be embarrassing but seriously, we are sexual creatures and it is something every one in your building must accept. Some vibrators are quieter than others and you will need to investigate which one has both the desired results while being the quietest. Unfortunately, the Hitachi is going to rumble while getting the job done and a Pocket Rocket may not satisfy, though it is definitely stealthier. As far as Gentleman Callers, go to their pads for your first romps to lay down some serious zoo noises and gradually have them over for your sleepovers.

Lust & Happiness,

Dr. Miro

featured image credit: MoonSoleil