Little Rock, AR – Friday By Joshua Mauldin 8-year-old Jeremy Martin was tragically born without the muscle dexterity to smile. His mother thought he would never know the joy of laughter until Kickstarter raised enough money to pay for corrective surgery. “We feel so blessed,” Mrs. Martin stated with an appreciative tone. “We never knew if Jeremy found something amusing or…” UPDATE – Fierce & Nerdy has learned this story is a hoax. The boy in the picture simply went in his pants during soccer practice. We apologize for the...

Sedona, AZ – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin After a long battle with depression, guru/psychic/healer/cranial-sacral specialist Soaring Eagle (birth name Lawrence Jones) decided to traverse to higher spiritual plain by imbibing a homeopathic cyanide solution. After little more than slight bladder irritation, Eagle urinated and went to bed. The next morning, he discovered why it didn’t work. “I forgot to put away my positive energy crystals,” Eagle said thankfully. “They must have blocked my transference.” He knew the crystals were powerful but had no idea of their magnitude. “I diluted the cyanide down to a small enough percentage to kill an ox, clearly the universe intervened.” Eagle will be selling these Life Protecting Energy Crystals on his website beginning tomorrow for $200 a piece. Or, for $250, he’ll throw in a chakra exam. Act now, your life could depend on it. Feature Image Credit: Vermont...

Santa Clara, CA – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin Yesterday’s breaking news that Super Bowl L will be held at the new home of the San Francisco 49ers delighted fans of the home city. Today’s announcement that the stadium will also include the bay area’s second biggest emergency room should make opposing fans a little more comfortable. “I wasn’t planning on going to the game in San Francisco,” said Seattle Seahawks’ fan Jameson Hall. “But now that I know there’s a fully functioning ER in case I get shivved in the parking lot, I’m considering it.” In addition to a massive emergency room, Levi Stadium also comes equipped with a robust prison section. “This is such a relief,” sighed Duncan Aimes, Head of Levi Stadium Security. “On game day at Candlestick, the holding cells were always packed to capacity with people wearing Joe Mantana jerseys. Now we shouldn’t have any problem storing all the hooligans, malcontents and drunken thugs we had to turn away before.” Feature Image Credit: Blog...

Washington, DC – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin FED Chairman Ben Bernanke released the details of a revolutionary stimulus plan that he hopes the Obama Administration will enact in time to take advantage of the summer months. The controversial plan would ban all citizens except for 15 to 20-year-old males from making all purchases, ranging from the trivial to the very important. “Americans are making more prudent decisions with their money, saving more and spending less. The lack of aggregate demand is stifling employment,” remarked Bernanke. “What we need is a period of reckless, impulsive spending to boost the economy. The best way to do this is turn the country’s purchasing power over to the demographic most responsible for flippant allocation.” Critics say the FED’s plan, though stupid, isn’t much worse than what its been doing. “Well, let’s see, they’ve been funneling billions of manufactured dollars into banks in the hopes it’ll free up capital to lend out,” scoffed economics blogger Olympia Hedland. “At least this plan stops propping up the same geniuses responsible for the mess. So junior blows the family’s retirement on video games and sports cars, it’s better than having it disappear in an quagmire of complex derivatives. At the end of the day, they still have a sports car.” Image Credit:...

Washington, DC – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Amidst increasing pressure from Republican leaders for over-scrutinizing conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status, no one stood up to defend the Internal Revenue Service in any way, shape or form. “Sure it looks like they engaged in partisan shenanigans but I think we owe them the benefit of the doubt,” said not a single person. “The Internal Revenue Service is a cornerstone of our democracy, let’s show some respect,” remarked bupkus echoing through an empty chamber. The deafening plea for sympathy from exactly zero Americans is appreciated by IRS executive Mandy Fatch. “We can be a little inflexible at times and I certainly understand why the citizens of this country might hold that against us,” said Fatch through an encouraged grin. “But the fact that absolutely none of them can look past that and come to our defense is, dare I say,...

Virginia Beach, VA – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin While answering a viewer’s question Monday afternoon, Pat Robertson, the controversial televangelist and host of The 700 Club said something totally reasonable. “I’m a little surprised,” said Amanda Clix, the viewer Robertson responded to. “I figured God was punishing me for having a gay son or skipping the abortion clinic protest to see Iron Man 3, but instead Pat just reinforced a basic cause and effect I hadn’t thought of.” Not once during the broadcast did Robertson appeal to malevolent, invisible forces to explain hardship or blame a victim with old fashioned, condescending misogyny. He even went so far as to refrain from holding the Obama administration complicit by connecting the usual metaphysical dots. Though this may come as welcome news for decent, rational human beings, with tornadoes raging in the mid-west, the sigh of relief could be short lived. Image Credit: Ms....

San Antonio, TX – Monday By Joshua Mauldin In an effort to streamline the courting process for men who confuse self-hatred with selfless devotion, a San Antonio-based startup launched the dating application Savior this morning. “With Savior, men searching for relationships that validate internal loathing can find the abusive ice queens they’re looking for,” said Geoff Lee, President of Tech-Niche-Lee Speaking. “Our patented screening process identifies girls with unique rationalization capacities. Sleeping with co-workers, spending your money on outlandish purchases, bad-mouthing you to friends and family. All of this and more is just a click away.” Feature Image Credit: Eat...

Pittsburgh, PA – Friday By Joshua Mauldin The sociology department at Carnegie Mellon University announced this morning that they have awarded 64-year-old Pittsburgh resident Margaret Sanders an honorary Ph.D. in Negative Marital Observance. “We’re convinced that no human being has dedicated as much time and effort to a subject as Margaret has in studying what’s wrong with her husband,” said Cooper Elliot, Chair of the CMU Sociology Department. “From the way he inadequately brushes his teeth, to how he oddly sits off-center in a chair, to his annoying habit of dropping the ‘R’ in certain words. Margaret has compiled a lifetime’s worth of data, more than most sociologists could ever dream about.” The official ceremony will be held this Sunday at the CMU Graduation Hall, assuming Harold doesn’t take six hours to put his damn tie on or get lost like usual. Image Credit: Boring Old White...

Chicago, IL – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin After a ten year study of feline behavior, Veterinarian Genesis Allen, concluded this morning that cats who won’t defecate in their litter boxes are punishing their owners for reasons only they understand. “You may have cuddled with them too much,” said Allen regarding possible causes. “Or you may not have cuddled long enough. Maybe they didn’t like their new food. Maybe they’re tired of the old food. Maybe they didn’t appreciate you petting a dog. Maybe they didn’t like the way you ignored a dog. Who the hell knows?” Dr. Allen went on to say that after spending a decade “chronicling these bastards” all he can say is, “scientifically speaking, cats are hairball-puking judgement machines with the ethical standards of a tyrant and the emotional stability of an overweight teenage girl.” The 150 page study entitled Why Didn’t I Listen To My Mother And Become A Dentist is available for download on Dr. Allen’s website. Image Credit: Heartless Doll Image Credit: Soda...

New York, NY – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin Amidst protests from anti-normal-shaming groups, Rochester Big & Tall CEO Marco Jorello remains steadfast in both his company’s image and business model. During an interview with The Portly Register, Jorello admitted that his company caters exclusively to men with robust waistlines and/or elongated legs. “People who wear size 32 around or a 30 inseam don’t belong in our clothes, they can’t belong. We deal with men who probably weren’t the cool kids in school and had a little trouble with the ladies. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.” Critics accuse Jorello of promoting anti-normal biases. “My husband wears a 34 waist with a 28 inseam,” said Sandra Flowers, President of Thin People For The Ethical Treatment Of Thin People. “There is literally nothing at Rochester he can wear. He’s forced to shop at Nordstrom, Bloomingdale’s, Brooks Brothers, Macy’s, Tommy Hillfiger, Abercrombie & Fitch, The Gap, Neiman Marcus, Dillard’s, Barney’s, Saks Fifth Avenue and even Sears. How is that fair?” Feature Image Credit: Huffington...

Mountain View, CA – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Google announced this morning that image searches for stills from the 1998 made-for-television movie Gia have increased exponentially over the last twelve hours. The film, based on the life of troubled model Gia Carangi, was relatively forgotten until early Tuesday morning. “We’re at a loss to explain why interest in a fifteen-year-old movie starring Mercedes Ruhl and Faye Dunaway could have exploded like this,” said Google Chief Reinhardt August. “Faye Dunaway didn’t die did she?” UPDATE: You know you’re going to search for either Gia or Original Sin today. Don’t lie, Google knows your...

Mobile, AL – Monday By Joshua Mauldin Spoiler Alert for the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy. A Mobile, Alabama man was slapped with a restrictive 6pm curfew after his wife witnessed an affair on ABC’s popular medical drama Grey’s Anatomy. “She takes that show way too seriously,” said the annoyed man. “I told her they have to create drama for another season. They’re just going to get back together anyway.” “I can’t take any chances,” said the man’s wife who still hasn’t recovered from last Thursday night’s betrayal. “After all they’ve been through, jobs in Africa, hospital shooters, a major car accident, a baby with a man, the plane crash that took Arizona’s leg…after all that and she still cheats on Callie? True love is only so...

Hilton Head Island, SC – Friday By Joshua Mauldin Celebrity chef and Restaurant Impossible star Robert Irvine’s personal restaurant Eat! has been shut down indefinitely awaiting an investigation by the South Carolina Department of Public Health over questionable ingredients in a number of dishes. “We found an alarmingly high level of human growth hormone in the barbeque sauce, salad dressings and all condiments except mustard,” announced Herman Newport, head of the investigation. “There were substantial amounts of Winstrol in the beef, chicken and veal.” Winstrol, an illegal equine steroid, has been linked to rapid muscle growth, manic irritability and increased culinary prowess. Chef Irvine, speaking through his lawyer, released an official statement this morning denying the allegations. “These charges are baseless, insulting and I will crush the skull of whoever made them between my pecs, rip their head off at the neck and shit down the stump.” Image Credit: Miami New...

Topeka, KS – Friday By Joshua Mauldin As part of a church outreach to hellbound youth, Marcus Walsh infiltrated a local group of high school heavy metal fans and was shocked to discover that none of the kids appeared to be possessed by the devil; most just couldn’t throw a football or run particularly fast. “I was taught by my youth leader that heavy metal is one of the ways Satan literally gets into our head,” said a suprised Walsh. “Unless Beezelbub’s main objective is to make us socially awkward, that doesn’t seem to be the case.” Walsh even credits the affinity for bands like Slayer, Judas Priest and Megadeth as a valuable resource in the fight to remain chaste before marriage. “Many kids in my youth group struggle daily with abstinence, no one wearing a KISS shirt has that problem.” Image Credit:...

Menlo Park, CA – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin An internal approval poll conducted by Facebook rates people who repeatedly dump frivolous memes the highest among all users. “Our users can’t get enough back-to-back posts of partisan political quips, grumpy cat being grumpy, an exasperated Captain Picard or social commentary from that elderly Dos Equis gentleman,” said a Facebook official. “The more the better.” Supporting the results, one user commented, “I may find a meme’s political views ignorant and offensive but how can I be mad when there’s ten of them in a row? At that point, you just have to admire the tenacity of a poster’s willingness to educate.” NOTE: The author of this brief understands that, in response to this article, he will be receiving an endless stream of memes. He wants to thank you in advance for posting them directly to his...

New York, NY – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin A United Nations official pleaded with both sides of the Syrian conflict this morning, warning them to stick exclusively to conventional means of spreading death. “You know the deal guys, killing each other with bullets, knives and explosives is fine but chemical nerve agents? Ugh, that means we have to get involved.” When asked by a reporter what the difference between bleeding to death slowly from a gunshot wound and dying from poisonous neurotoxins is, the official responded, “One means we have to do something about it, and the other means we don’t.” The U.N. adopted its anti-chemical/biological/nuclear weapons policy as a way to posture authoritative disapproval while still allowing people to massacre each other. However, both the Assad regime and the Syrian rebels are making it hard to maintain that posture. “By dividing conventional weapons from weapons of mass destruction we’ve blurred the distinction between impotent finger wagging and serious peacemaking. If this conflict escalates as we fear, that distinction is in danger of being defined. The global community wants to avoid that at all costs.” Image Credit:...

New York, NY – Monday By Joshua Mauldin As a courtesy to Americans, actor Guy Pearce’s publicist announced this morning that he will be officially changing his US name to That Guy From Memento. “Guy appreciates that pulling up IMDB on your phone to remember his name before approaching him takes too much time. From now on when you stop him on the street and say, ‘Oh crap, you’re…you know…that guy from Memento,’ he can politely nod without having to awkwardly help you.” Pearce decided to make the change too late for the release of Iron Man 3 but will be credited as such in the upcoming film The Rover, a dystopian western co-starring Edward Cullen and co-written by That Guy From Warrior, No Not Bane, The Other Brother. Image Credit:...

Bismarck, ND – Friday By Joshua Mauldin A source speaking in omnipotence divulged this morning that The Almighty is “more than a little worried” about an amendment to the North Dakota constitution that would define life at conception and award a zygote all rights of citizenship.”If lawmakers decide to prosecute retroactively, the Ancient of Days could be facing over six million counts of murder.” When pressed about why miscarriage was built into the divine plan in the first place, the source explained that flippantly discarding fertilized eggs is all a part of the Alpha and the Omega’s mysterious ways. “He knew you before he formed you in the womb but sometimes he’s just not that into you.” Ephraim Abramowitz, legal representative for the Hope of Israel, says proving YHWH’s complicity in a prematurely terminated pregnancy won’t be hard. “If it can be shown that the mother did nothing to warrant a miscarriage, we’re screwed. Adonai’s penchant for aborticide is well established.” Abramowitz points to the Old Testament as more than enough to establish precedent. “Good luck convincing a jury that the Amalek slaughter wasn’t a wholesale edict to murder, among everyone else, the unborn Amalekite children. El Shaddai’s bloody fingerprints are all over that book.” To sway the opinion of North Dakota voters, I Am has formed a Super PAC aimed at presenting scientific evidence against the early consciousness of embryos, but Abramowitz isn’t optimistic. “He’s been poisoning their minds against science for so long, I doubt they’ll consider it. But hey, mysterious ways right?” Image Credit:...

Santa Monica, CA – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin 74-year-old Imelda Kershaw’s drivers license was revoked earlier this year after she failed to pass an eye exam. That didn’t stop her from driving however, and yesterday afternoon, she accidentally backed into a unicyclist in the parking lot of a Ralph’s grocery store. The unicyclist, who’s legal name is Mister Belvedere, suffered a broken arm and a sprained ankle when he was thrown to the ground by the careening automobile. “I’ve seen that idiot riding that stupid thing around town for a while,” remarked a witness to the event. “It’s about time someone ran that obnoxious twerp over.” Officers responding to the scene were quick to commend Ms. Kershaw for her public service. “She’s a hero in my book,” said Officer Max Langfield. “That kind of behavior might fly in Silver Lake, but in Santa Monica, we don’t tolerate that shit.” Ms. Kershaw’s drivers license was immediately reinstated and the official report blames Mister Belvedere for cycling recklessly into the back of her car. When asked how such an abuse of power can be justified, Officer Langfield rolled his eyes. “My only regret is she didn’t knock that jackass moustache off his ugly face.” Image Credit:...

Los Angeles, CA – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin 37-year-old attorney, Myra Filiman, was given the key to the city of Los Angeles this morning for adhering to basic driving etiquette during a three-month, city-wide surveillance period. “Operation: What’s This Asshole Doing?” was a program initiated by the Los Angeles Department of Motor Vehicles to monitor Southern California motorists’ driving habits in the hopes of better understanding the causes behind its nation-leading amount of traffic accidents and moving violations. “Instead of changing lanes in an unannounced haste, forcing everyone behind her to slam on their brakes, Myra used her turn signals to calmly inform drivers of her intent,” said Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. “The turn signal bar is located on the right side of the steering wheel. When you press it up or down, lights on either the right or left side of your car flicker. We’d like to see everyone use these at least once in the next week.” Though confused by the honor, Ms. Filiman credits her success to years of dedicated yoga and being from Minnesota. Image Credit:...

Boston, MA – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Pete O’Brien, a Boston man used to averaging 20 points a game, went a paltry 4 for 22 this morning during a pick-up basketball game at his local gym. O’Brien blames his lackluster offering on the recent announcement of ex-Celtic, Jason Collins’ homosexuality and the subsequent anxiety he suffered while changing in the locker room before the game. “A lockah rooms s’post to be sacred. If Cahllins is a fahkin’ queah, who knows how many othah fahkin’ queahs are hangin’ out in here? Last thing I need is anothah guy checkin’ out my junk.” While changing into his gym shorts, O’Brien claims he caught the glance of another man and it weirded him out for the whole game. “He was sweatin’ so bad I thought he got the flu,” said Hank Firth, the married father of four O’Brien was concerned about. “I know for a fact he’s been shootin’ hoops with at least three gay men the last year, now he’s got a prahblum?” A problem O’Brien took seriously enough to file a complaint with the gym’s manager. “He wants every gay membah to change in the women’s lockah room,” recounted Byron Small, the manager handling the complaint. “We ain’t gonna do that.” Mr. Small, who is gay himself, said he would be offended by O’Brien’s flagrant homophobia if he didn’t find the situation so funny. “Pete’s our resident creepo. Every othah day I gotta ask him to stop loiterin’ behind ladies on the treadmill. What’s good for the goose. Besides, ain’t nobody but Pete checkin’ out Pete’s junk, I can promise you that.” Image Credit:...

Los Angeles, CA – Monday By Joshua Mauldin Game 5 between the Clippers and the Grizzlies will be played at USC’s Galen Center on Tuesday unless sanitation crews can sterilize the “fecal biohazard” left by the Lakers in time. Sanitation officials have called in reinforcements to help remove gallons upon gallons of bowel waste from the Staples Center but they doubt the job will be finished quick enough. “I’ve never seen such a massive, collective dump taken before,” said Rodrigo Alvarez, head of the clean-up effort. “It’s all over the court, in the locker room, the parking lot…pretty much everywhere a Laker player stepped. We’ve had to quarantine Jack Nicholson, that’s how bad it is.” Image Credit:...

Portland, OR – Tuesday A 268-pound Portland resident prompted concern from his peers after neglecting to post a gym picture to Facebook last night. For the past six weeks, Bertrand Kelm has provided photographic evidence of himself on either a treadmill or an elliptical machine every day, but last evening friends were disturbed to discover no such picture. “I’m speechless,” said Aimee Harvin, coworker and object of Kelm’s unrequited affection. “There’s so much wrong with the world, Bert’s daily exercise updates give me hope that things can get better.” Hayden Smythe, someone Bert met at a birthday party two years ago, agrees. “That a single man in his late 20’s with relatively few obligations can find the strength to take better care of himself inspires all of us. I hope he hasn’t given up.” While wiping a tear from his eye, Smythe paused for reflection. “Bert, if you’re reading this, please don’t stop, humanity needs you.” UPDATE: Fierce and Nerdy has discovered that Mr. Kelm’s phone battery died at the end of his last workout. He has since allayed his friends’ fears with an uplifting status update complete with pictures of a chicken salad and a scale displaying half-a-pound weight loss. Image Credit:...

San Francisco, CA – Friday By Joshua Mauldin A representative from Yelp!, the website dedicated to costumer-based business reviews, addressed the media Friday morning to warn users that the level of whining is reaching a dangerous high. “Our system isn’t built to handle the absurd amount of bellyaching, pentulance and otherwise griping posted by reviewers every second.” In an effort to level off the hazardous complaining, Yelp! is asking that users exercise common sense before bashing an establishment for minuscule inconveniences. “For [expletive deleted]’s sake, not every minor imperfection is worth writing six paragraphs of childish grousing.” The representative went on to provide examples of what isn’t worth bunching one’s boxers over. “All gyms play terrible music, you’re going to listen to your iPod anyway, why would you bitch about that? And restaurants, unless you actually have Celiac disease, the lack of gluten-free menu choices isn’t a ‘serious concern.’ If you do have celiac disease, don’t go to an Italian restaurant in the first place.” Further guidelines of what does not constitute a legitimate complaint will be posted to Yelp!’s main page this afternoon. Image Credit:...

London, UK – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin Backed by a band of certified godless musicians, famed biologist and outspoken freethinker Richard Dawkins is currently recording a cover album of popular songs with atheist-approved lyrics aimed at eliminating religious concepts in well-known arrangements. “Music is one of the ways the dangerous meme of religion infects our brain,” remarked Dawkins from his London recording studio. “I want to attack that meme by correctly identifying the metaphorical poisons found in the words.” The first single to be released from the upcoming album is a cover of Bon Jovi’s hit Livin’ on a Prayer with a prayer replaced by An Inconsequential Wish. “The idea that an omnipotent God exists and can be concerned by a human plea of any kind is beneath us as a species.” Dawkins says he got the idea while listening to Seasons of Love from the soundtrack to the musical Rent. “One refrain contends that love is a gift from up above. If that’s true then so is AIDS. Religious explanations for adapted biological instincts of social kinship should not be tolerated by thinking individuals.” As far as his singing voice, Dawkins plans on utilizing an auto-tuning device to help him stay in key. “I wasn’t blessed with…oh dear, please don’t print that…I wasn’t given as highly an evolved set of vocal chords as my fellow primates.” Below is a tentative track listing: 1. Livin’ On A Prayer / Livin’ On An Inconsequential Wish 2. Sympathy For The Devil / Sympathy For The Mythological Counterpart To The Israelite War God YHWH 3. Stairway To Heaven / Stairway To The Fanciful Realm Of Eternal Adulation For A Supreme Dictator 4. Proud Mary / Proud Jewish Woman Erroneously Attributed To Birthing The Fabricated Third Incarnation Of...

New York, NY – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin A last-minute grassroots movement by New York Jets’ fans awarded Mark Sanchez the cover of popular NFL video game Madden 2013. Until this morning, Barry Sanders and Adrian Peterson were battling for the honor but Jets’ fans flooded the voting system with an unprecedented wave of support for their maligned quarterback. Etrick Sims, devoted fan and organizer of the coup, noted it wasn’t hard to garner the needed support. “Even I was in favor of giving the guy a break, but the [expletive deleted] Buttfumble…Jesus Christ. Since management doesn’t seem interested in replacing him, we had to take drastic measures.” Drastic measures in this case comes in the form of invoking what’s come to be known as “The Madden Curse.” For different reasons, since the mid-2000’s, many of the recipients of the Madden cover have suffered either a serious injury or a let-down the following season. “We don’t wish any serious harm on the guy, just a nagging sprain or a light fracture, something like that.” Image Credit: NY Daily...

Kansas City, MO – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Following the lead of Nestle CEO Peter Brabeck’s notion that water should be privatized, Hallmark CEO Horatio Alton included human emotions denoting affection, loyalty and compassion as privileges better left managed by corporate interests. “Look at all the love we waste in the United States alone. Unrequited feelings for one’s partner. Selfless generosity for ungrateful children. Heck, the amount of endearment exhausted on cats is proof enough that people cannot be trusted to dispense of love effectively.” Alton’s remarks come on the eve of Hallmark’s new lobbying effort to anoint itself as the only qualified arbiter of adoration. “We’ve put in place a fee-for-service paradigm that maximizes offering and acceptance ratios, coordinates infatuation, outlaws feline domesticity and guarantees efficient distribution of sentiment, fondness and gratitude.” If adopted into law, citizens will be required to consult with Hallmark representatives prior to expressions of positivity, as well as purchase all forms of said expressions through Hallmark and Hallmark-related subsidiaries. “We’re proud to be at the forefront of ending the socialist stranglehold on affection through loving, government-mandated free market privatization schemes.” Image Credit:...

Washington, DC – Monday By Joshua Mauldin A Justice Department official announced this morning that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the nineteen-year-old suspected of carrying out the marathon bombings in Boston last week, will be declared an Intergalactic Alien. The announcement comes as a response to criticism of the department’s denial of Miranda Rights for Tsarnaev. “We understand the constitutional problems in withholding certain rights for naturalized citizens, no matter how dispicable,” said the official, “and we’re tired of ignoring military treaty regulations that prevent us from coercively interrogating enemy combatants. We’ve decided to classify him in a way that best absolves us from legal ramifications.” Declaring Tsarnaev an Intergalactic Alien allows the Justice Department to forgo all forms of due process and hold the suspect without charges indefinitely, under any conditions it so chooses. “Do you remember that scene in Independence Day when Will Smith punched that slimy alien bastard in the face? No one objected to that. All we’re doing in this case is welcoming Tsarnaev to Earth.” When asked if making exceptions to constitutional protections whenever they feel like it waters a citizen’s right down to a suggestion, the official shrugged. “Probably, who cares? Google ‘Patriot Act’ and see how interested this country is in that question.” Image Credit:...

Cambridge, MA – Friday By Joshua Mauldin James Exton, Professor of Theoretical Mathematics at MIT, announced this morning that he’s finally solved a puzzle that’s stumped mathematicians for years. “Flo Rida [the stage moniker of Tramar Lacel Dillard – pictured here shirtless while crushing an orange for some reason] is a diabolically clever ruse but I’m pretty sure I figured it out.” Exton says the notations are complicated and outside the understanding of not just laypersons but many professionals who work in his field. “Suffice it to say, the answer is important.” Important is an understatement. According to Exton, the letters F L O R I D A are actually mathematical symbols that correspond perfectly to an experimental theory detailing the complex framework of quantum mechanics. “To be blunt, Flo Rida is a map back to the Big Bang.” Given this revelation, a representative from Flo Rida’s Florida-based record label operating out of Florida released this statement from the state of Florida: “Mr. Rida was expecting to divulge this secret on his death bed, but the cat’s out of the bag. He would like to congratulate Professor Exton for his keen observation and impressive calculations. Well played, but this is just the...

Los Angeles, CA – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin A white male in his early thirties, who calls himself a writer, admitted to friends earlier this week that he hasn’t seen one episode of HBO’s hit series Game of Thrones. Despite confessing he’s watched at least twenty episodes of Restaurant Impossible and Chopped on The Food Network this last year, the man still hasn’t found time to catch up on a television show that all research indicates should appeal to him. “I’m sure it’s awesome, honestly, but episodic television like that is addictive,” the man said responding in anonymity to the suggestion he watch the first two seasons to catch up. “If I watch one, I have to watch the second and the next thing I know I’m wallowing in twenty-four hours worth of Red Bull cans, Cheetos’ dust and chinese take-out boxes.” Hadassah Bling, a marketing executive at HBO, says incidents like this are rare but not entirely without precedent. “Even though Game of Thrones is tailor made for him, he isn’t required to watch it. Not every progressive lesbian watches Rachel Maddow. Some people with an actual sense of humor occasionally tune in to Chelsea Lately. We did our job. We stuffed it full of sex, violence and freaking dragons, it’s not our fault he’s an...

Washington, DC – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin Rumors that Fox News contributor, former advisor to President George W. Bush and Satan’s most prized concubine had spontaneously combusted when the frothing fecal matter he’s composed of reached a critical mass, have been silenced by reporters this morning. ABC News correspondents found him alive and well at his Washington, DC office. “He was resting in a leather recliner sipping a glass of vintage, circa 2000 disenfranchised voter’s blood,” said ABC News Bureau Chief Hebron Fells. “At first we thought someone may have jammed eyeglasses on a walrus and propped it against the wall but no, it was him all right.” Americans are being advised to put away all celebratory items until that engorged excrement pinata finally does explode. “It’ll be any day now,” Fells went on to say. “No container can hold that much rotting refuse for long.” Image Credit: American Crossroads...

Pyongyang, NK – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin North Korea shocked the world this morning by announcing the release of a brand new technology capable of transporting a small nuclear weapon hundreds of miles without refueling. Speaking from the capital to a throng of cheering citizens, Press Security Ryong praised North Korean ingenuity and vision, noting it’s the only manned drone in the world. “Once again the DPRK is at the cutting edge of military technology. Unmanned drones have no pilot. Stupid.” Later, during a conference call with confused UN officials, Ryong backtracked. “No [expletive deleted] guys, it’s from the 1950’s. We keep our people so starved and uneducated they believe any load of elephant [expletive deleted] we tell them. It’s the beauty of a crushing facistic government. I can say whatever I want to you and it doesn’t matter because we control their only news source. I mean seriously, they literally don’t know the difference between a submarine and a submarine sandwich. Though Kim Jong-un sure as hell does, huh? AmIright? Crap, shouldn’t have said that. Oh Jesus. Well, it’s been fun guys. Please tell my wife I love…” UPDATE – Korean Central News Agency is reporting that Press Security Ryong tragically choked to death on a submarine sandwich. Western sources believe his wife has not been informed of his affection and expect her to have trouble swallowing a hoagie within the hour. Image Credit:...

London, UK – Monday By Joshua Mauldin Morrissey’s new song won’t drop until the summer, but the former frontman of The Smiths isn’t waiting until then to open up about his whirlwind relationship with country superstar Taylor Swift. “She did to my emotions what Margaret Thatcher did to the Falklands,” lamented the 53-year-old crooner. “My mates told me to keep my guard around her but a bloke’s heart wants what it wants.” The two met at a charity event for homeless kittens and instantly hit it off. Things progressed naturally for two months until Morrissey bought a house in Nashville to be closer to her; a gesture Swift didn’t appreciate much. “She told me we were moving too fast. Being around me was brilliant and all but she wasn’t ready for a serious commitment. I hope a doubledecker bus crashes into her.” Reached for comment, Swift shrugged and rolled her eyes, “Steven puts ridiculous expectations on his lovers to push them away so he can use the fake heartbreak to fuel his material. That crap plays well to his fans, I guess, but everyone else thinks it’s obnoxious. Good riddance.” Image Credit: The...

Santa Monica, CA – 10am PST By Joshua Mauldin Amidst what was called a tour-de-force by spectators, street performer Francois Armand accidentally swallowed a chain of scarves and passed away from suffocation at the Santa Monica Promenade Wednesday afternoon. The scarves, which he normally hid in his mouth at the beginning of the routine, were intended for the finale but became lodged in his throat while attempting to escape from an invisible box. The unfortunate event was witnessed by thirty-six people, none-of-whom stopped to help him. “I thought he was tearing it up,” said Andrea Carpenter, a UCLA student waiting in line at the Apple Store, “At no point did I think he was ever in a stiff wind but the choking thing, that was so realistic I was like ‘damn, you go mime.” Services for Armand will be held at the Our Lady of the Obvious Joke church this Sunday at six o’clock. featured image credit: danny...

Mobile, AL – 2pm PST By Joshua Mauldin Alabama Republican, Anderson Smoo, proposed a bill in the state legislature Thursday that seeks to establish the beginning of life when a woman imbibes a second beer, cocktail or glass of wine. Personhood measures are popular in conservative states these days but Smoo doesn’t think they go far enough. “Those measures are all well and good but we need to nip the real causes of abortion in the bud before that conversation happens.” Smoo believes that, “no self-respectin” woman has more than one drink unless she’s trying to silence her inhibitions, inhibitions that often lead to conception. “Drunk women are the number one cause of unwanted pregnancies. I don’t have any fancy studies to back that up but everyone knows it’s true.” Critics point out that this bill has nothing to do with abortion and everything to do with Smoo’s daughter not using protection with a friend of a friend after succombing to inebriation. “If I can save other fathers from the shame and embarrassment that she’s caused me then you’re damn right I’m going to. I can’t walk into church without hearin’ snickers.” Women’s rights activists criticised Smoo further for enacting nonsensical legislation to “comfort the bruising of his misguided ego” instead of seeking prosecution for what was most likely rape. “Men try to get laid, can’t blame ’em for that. Lord knows I’ve done my share of greasin’ a lady’s wheels in the past. Don’t get me wrong, I wanna kill him, but if Jennifer had kept her damn legs closed this disgrace never would’ve happened. I did not raise her to be a [expletive deleted] whore.” With a small majority of middle-aged men with daughters in the legislature, analysts predict the bill to...

Anderson, KY – 9:30am PST By Joshua Mauldin Genesisland, the oldest creationist museum in the United States will close its doors Friday for the first time since opening in 1953. Burt Winegaard, owner and operator for the past 30 years cites the popularity of God’s Plan, a brand new museum four miles east as the reason. “You have to be able to evol…err, change to be able to compete, we couldn’t do it.” God’s Plan is a five-story museum and theme park boasting a fully interactive Young-Earth experience. “They’ve got talking robotic brontosauruses to illustrate man’s relationship with dinosaurs, our mute, stationary ones are no match for that.” This isn’t the first time Genesisland has been challenged by a competing museum. “Ten years ago when Bibletown opened up I thought we were finished. Back then we had basic illustrations, shirts, a few dolls, nothing as good as them. Fortunately for us, at the last minute we got an unexpected grant from a mega-church to upgrade our facilities.” With the assistance of that random investment, Winegaard was able to weather Bibletown‘s threat and ultimately put them out of business. “We were hoping for another lucky break, oh well. Everything happens for a reason, just wish I knew what that reason was.” featured image credit: Kaptain...

Tacoma, WA – 2pm PST By Joshua Mauldin A three-year study by the advocacy group Center For Cannabis Justice concluded Wednesday that people who report panic attacks and other heightened levels of anxiety from THC have simply not been exposed to the substance correctly. Lead researcher and amateur musician/philosopher Trip Bongmaster, who legally changed his name from Trent Burmaster in 2009, believes his group’s findings have proven that when done right, marijuana can be nothing but good times. “In every one of our trials, participants who reported harsh trips in the past had a killer high when placed on an old couch in a sparsely lit room with ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ leading the way.” Bongmaster blames pharmaceutical companies for intentionally perpetuating misinformation on the potential for paranoia with THC use. “That’s what they’re all about. They want to keep us hooked on Xanax and Prozac so they can make record profits and turn us into to mindless robots. Don’t smoke weed, it’ll make you freak out, take our lab poison instead. And it doesn’t stop there. It goes way deeper than that.” Those interested in finding out just how deep it goes are invited to attend the next Center For Cannabis Justice meeting possibly this Saturday, depends on, you know, what’s up in the air this weekend. featured image credit: Torben Bjorn...

Rocksville, AR – 10am PST By Joshua Mauldin Arkansas Facebook servers crashed for seventeen seconds this morning when a Rocksville resident wrote an unrecognizable sequence of letters in the comment section of his son’s page. “I’ve argued about gay marriage with David for years, ” said Kenneth Wilton, a 43-year-old previous proponent of traditional values, “but the meme he posted forced me to realize my views were based more in emotion than logic.” When Wilton wrote, “You were right. I was wrong. I’m sorry” on the meme thread, the words caused a glitch in Facebook’s programming design. Gwen Halpern, Technical Director in charge of the momentary crash, admitted the Facebook framework wasn’t prepared for that specific phrase to inputted. “Quite frankly, we’ve never seen this happen before. Facebook was designed for people of opposing views to argue back and forth until one person gives up, planning for phrases of contrition seemed unnecessary.” Though the servers recovered shortly after crashing, a long term fix for the issue has yet to be implemented. “We’re working on it but it’s not a priority. Mr. Wilton’s change of heart is most likely an anomaly.” featured image credit: Franco...