Florida: Black Men Ditching Hoodies; Embracing Lynyrd Skynyrd and Ronald Reagan T-Shirts

Jacksonville, FL – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin Following the acquittal of George Zimmerman for the shooting of unarmed minor Trayvon Martin, the sale of hooded sweatshirts known as “hoodies” has hit an all time low thanks to the work of controversial African American leader, Davis Stone. “With the ‘Stand Your Ground’ law in full effect, we need to take practical measures to avoid wearing or acting in ways that threaten or otherwise make white people uncomfortable,” says Stone, head of the Black Capitulation Project. “Hoodies make caucasians nervous, they associate them with gangs and rap...

North Carolina Votes To Ban British Monarchy Rule; Reinstates Prima Nocta

Raleigh, NC – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Less than a week after outlawing Sharia Law – a set of so-called divinely inspired moral directives practiced by certain fundamentalist muslims – North Carolina passed House Bill 696, a measure reaffirming the non-recognition of British monarch authority in the their state. Though the royal crown is largely a symbolic institution with no official legislative power, North Carolina Republicans felt the gesture was still necessary. “We’re Americans,” said Representative Harold Kent, “we don’t want Mohammed Mo-Whatever or the King of England coming into our...

Game Over: Texas Jury More Ridiculous Than Any Fake News Headline [Daily News Brief]

San Antonio, TX – Friday By Joshua Mauldin In Texas, it’s legal to use lethal force in the pursuit of one’s stolen property. It’s a fairly broad law that lends itself to stories like, Man Acquitted Of Shooting Ex-Girlfriend For “Stealing Heart” or Ronald McDonald Moves To Texas To Legally Gun Down The Hamburglar. However, nothing in the mind of a satirist can top what a Texas jury actually did yesterday. They acquitted a man who shot a woman in the neck for stealing $150 he thought was going to be used as payment for sexual services rendered. Let me reiterate that. This asshole, Ezekiel Gilbert, expected...

Wealth Turns LA Woman From 5 To 8 According To Personal Trainer; Sexism Over [Daily News Brief]

Santa Monica, CA – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin When asking her personal trainer how she ranks on a scale of 1 to 10 this morning, 43-year-old entertainment executive Marilyn Gull was shocked to discover that on looks alone she was a 5. However, when her “pocketbook” was taken into consideration, her ranking increased to an 8. “After my husband left me for a 22-year-old dancer, I was destroyed,” said Marilyn through a melancholy grin. “No matter how much I had accomplished on a professional level, I was still doomed by the patriarchal rules of attraction.” Shallow men of an average-to-poor aesthetic...

Political Pundit Gives Snarky Partisan Defense/Attack; America A Better Place [Daily News Brief]

Washington D.C – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin A political pundit patted himself/herself on the back yesterday after writing a vitriolic, straw man defense/attack of his/her preferred side of the Democrat/Republican false dichotomy. “There are real issues out there,” proclaimed the pundit while trying on a new suit/dress. “But those issues are often complicated without a clear black-and-white answer. By reinforcing the liberal versus conservative canard, I’m giving people a valuable shorthand on how to feel about them. Americans need me.” Though admitting the defense/attack was an irrelevant, nonsensical...

Cryptozoologist Claims Discovery Of Legendary Defecating Human Female [Daily News Brief]

Glasgow, Scotland – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Science has long confirmed that nutrients in the human female is digested in the upper intestine and released as an invisible, odorless gas through tiny pours in the skin. Thus, the lower intestine and the sphincter serve no practical purpose; a vestigial, evolutionary holdover like the appendix. However, world famous cryptozoologist Edmund Hanks is challenging that assertion by claiming to have discovered an adult, female homo sapien who both defecates like a male and produces a gaseous excretion similar to the flatulence. “I’ve been tracking Bessie through the back hills of...

Ghost Confused By Science On “Ghost Hunters”

Pasadena, CA – Monday By Joshua Mauldin The apparition of a deceased scientist admitted during an interview with Skeptical Science Monthly that the methodology utilized by paranormal investigators is curious at best. “If one were tracking bears,” the ghost of physicist Helmund Kliffe illustrated, “one knows certain truths about those animals that allow them to be identified. Fur or defecation samples for example. There’s no reason to think that myself or my fellow spectors emit heat or electro-magnetic fields, so measuring fluctuations of either cannot be considered evidence of our existence.” Kliffe...

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Fires Agent After Learning It’s Not Illegal To Turn Down...

Los Angeles, CA – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin Former WWE superstar and current box office champion Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson close-lined his rep Kyle St. Kyle this morning after being informed that it’s not against “Hollywood Law” to turn down a movie. “It’s a little embarrassing to admit but two thirds of the films I’ve agreed to do came with what I thought was the threat of jail time,” admitted Johnson from the set of three different movies shooting simultaneously. “Do you think I would’ve said yes to Race to Witch Mountain, The Game Plan, Snitch, The Gridiron Gang,...

“The Purge” To Be Retitled “Tuesday” In Mid-Town Manhattan

New York, NY – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin As part of an experimental new marketing strategy, Universal Pictures has decided to release their new film The Purge in Mid-Town Manhattan under the new title Tuesday. The Purge, starring Ethan Hawke, envisions a utopian America where crime is non-existent and unemployment is at one percent thanks to one day every year where citizens can break any law they desire without the fear of incarceration. “We’re trying to broaden the film’s appeal by using different titles for different sections of the population,” said Stacy Eisenman, Head of Marketing for Universal....

Child Unable To Smile Receives Operation Via Kickstarter

Little Rock, AR – Friday By Joshua Mauldin 8-year-old Jeremy Martin was tragically born without the muscle dexterity to smile. His mother thought he would never know the joy of laughter until Kickstarter raised enough money to pay for corrective surgery. “We feel so...

New Age Guru Attempts Suicide With Homeopathic Cyanide; Alive And Well

Sedona, AZ – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin After a long battle with depression, guru/psychic/healer/cranial-sacral specialist Soaring Eagle (birth name Lawrence Jones) decided to traverse to higher spiritual plain by imbibing a homeopathic cyanide solution. After little more than slight...

New San Francisco 49ers’ Stadium To Include Bay Area’s Sec...

Santa Clara, CA – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin Yesterday’s breaking news that Super Bowl L will be held at the new home of the San Francisco 49ers delighted fans of the home city. Today’s announcement that the stadium will also include the bay area’s second biggest...

FED Proposes Stimulus, 15 to 20-Year-Old Males To Make All Purchases [...

Washington, DC – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin FED Chairman Ben Bernanke released the details of a revolutionary stimulus plan that he hopes the Obama Administration will enact in time to take advantage of the summer months. The controversial plan would ban all citizens except for 15 to...

Cut The IRS A Break, Says No One [DAILY NEWS BRIEF]

Washington, DC – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Amidst increasing pressure from Republican leaders for over-scrutinizing conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status, no one stood up to defend the Internal Revenue Service in any way, shape or form. “Sure it looks like they...

Pat Robertson Says Something Totally Reasonable [Daily News Brief]

Virginia Beach, VA – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin While answering a viewer’s question Monday afternoon, Pat Robertson, the controversial televangelist and host of The 700 Club said something totally reasonable. “I’m a little surprised,” said Amanda Clix, the viewer...

New Dating App “Savior” Helps Men With Low Self-Esteem Fin...

San Antonio, TX – Monday By Joshua Mauldin In an effort to streamline the courting process for men who confuse self-hatred with selfless devotion, a San Antonio-based startup launched the dating application Savior this morning. “With Savior, men searching for relationships that...

Woman Given Honorary Ph.D. In Husband’s Shortcomings [Daily News...

Pittsburgh, PA – Friday By Joshua Mauldin The sociology department at Carnegie Mellon University announced this morning that they have awarded 64-year-old Pittsburgh resident Margaret Sanders an honorary Ph.D. in Negative Marital Observance. “We’re convinced that no human...

Veterinarian Says Cats Won’t Go In Litter Box Because Screw You,...

Chicago, IL – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin After a ten year study of feline behavior, Veterinarian Genesis Allen, concluded this morning that cats who won’t defecate in their litter boxes are punishing their owners for reasons only they understand. “You may have cuddled with...

Rochester Big & Tall Refuses To Stock Non-Plus Sized Clothing [Da...

New York, NY – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin Amidst protests from anti-normal-shaming groups, Rochester Big & Tall CEO Marco Jorello remains steadfast in both his company’s image and business model. During an interview with The Portly Register, Jorello admitted that his company...

Google Image Searches For GIA Reach All Time High [Daily News Brief]

Mountain View, CA – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Google announced this morning that image searches for stills from the 1998 made-for-television movie Gia have increased exponentially over the last twelve hours. The film, based on the life of troubled model Gia Carangi, was relatively...

Man Given Curfew By Wife After Character Has Affair On Grey’s An...

Mobile, AL – Monday By Joshua Mauldin Spoiler Alert for the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy. A Mobile, Alabama man was slapped with a restrictive 6pm curfew after his wife witnessed an affair on ABC’s popular medical drama Grey’s Anatomy. “She takes that show...

Celebrity Chef Robert Irvine’s Restaurant Closed After BBQ Sauce...

Hilton Head Island, SC – Friday By Joshua Mauldin Celebrity chef and Restaurant Impossible star Robert Irvine’s personal restaurant Eat! has been shut down indefinitely awaiting an investigation by the South Carolina Department of Public Health over questionable ingredients in a...

Undercover Christian Discovers Heavy Metal Fans Not Possessed By Satan...

Topeka, KS – Friday By Joshua Mauldin As part of a church outreach to hellbound youth, Marcus Walsh infiltrated a local group of high school heavy metal fans and was shocked to discover that none of the kids appeared to be possessed by the devil; most just couldn’t throw a...

Facebook Poll Finds People Who Share Multiple Memes Back-To-Back Are A...

Menlo Park, CA – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin An internal approval poll conducted by Facebook rates people who repeatedly dump frivolous memes the highest among all users. “Our users can’t get enough back-to-back posts of partisan political quips, grumpy cat being grumpy, an...

U.N. to Syria: “Seriously, What’s Wrong With Bullets?̶...

New York, NY – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin A United Nations official pleaded with both sides of the Syrian conflict this morning, warning them to stick exclusively to conventional means of spreading death. “You know the deal guys, killing each other with bullets, knives and...

Actor Guy Pearce To Change Name To “That Guy From Memento”...

New York, NY – Monday By Joshua Mauldin As a courtesy to Americans, actor Guy Pearce’s publicist announced this morning that he will be officially changing his US name to That Guy From Memento. “Guy appreciates that pulling up IMDB on your phone to remember his name before...

God Reportedly Nervous About North Dakota Personhood Amendment; Could ...

Bismarck, ND – Friday By Joshua Mauldin A source speaking in omnipotence divulged this morning that The Almighty is “more than a little worried” about an amendment to the North Dakota constitution that would define life at conception and award a zygote all rights of...

Elderly Woman With Revoked Drivers License Backs Into Unicyclist; Lice...

Santa Monica, CA – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin 74-year-old Imelda Kershaw’s drivers license was revoked earlier this year after she failed to pass an eye exam. That didn’t stop her from driving however, and yesterday afternoon, she accidentally backed into a unicyclist in the...

LA Woman Uses Turn Signals, Stops At Stop Signs, Given Key To City

Los Angeles, CA – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin 37-year-old attorney, Myra Filiman, was given the key to the city of Los Angeles this morning for adhering to basic driving etiquette during a three-month, city-wide surveillance period. “Operation: What’s This Asshole...

Boston Man Blames Poor Pick-Up Basketball Performance On “Lockah...

Boston, MA – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Pete O’Brien, a Boston man used to averaging 20 points a game, went a paltry 4 for 22 this morning during a pick-up basketball game at his local gym. O’Brien blames his lackluster offering on the recent announcement of ex-Celtic, Jason...

Staples Center Closed Until Sunday’s “Fecal Biohazard̶...

Los Angeles, CA – Monday By Joshua Mauldin Game 5 between the Clippers and the Grizzlies will be played at USC’s Galen Center on Tuesday unless sanitation crews can sterilize the “fecal biohazard” left by the Lakers in time. Sanitation officials have called in...

Overweight Man Forgets To Post Daily Gym Picture On Facebook; Friends ...

Portland, OR – Tuesday A 268-pound Portland resident prompted concern from his peers after neglecting to post a gym picture to Facebook last night. For the past six weeks, Bertrand Kelm has provided photographic evidence of himself on either a treadmill or an elliptical machine every...

Yelp! To Breech Whininess Threshold, Asking Users To Chill The Hell Ou...

San Francisco, CA – Friday By Joshua Mauldin A representative from Yelp!, the website dedicated to costumer-based business reviews, addressed the media Friday morning to warn users that the level of whining is reaching a dangerous high. “Our system isn’t built to handle the...

Richard Dawkins’ Cover Album To Re-Title Bon Jovi Hit, “Li...

London, UK – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin Backed by a band of certified godless musicians, famed biologist and outspoken freethinker Richard Dawkins is currently recording a cover album of popular songs with atheist-approved lyrics aimed at eliminating religious concepts in well-known...

Mark Sanchez Voted To Madden 2013 Cover By Jets’ Fans Hoping For...

New York, NY – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin A last-minute grassroots movement by New York Jets’ fans awarded Mark Sanchez the cover of popular NFL video game Madden 2013. Until this morning, Barry Sanders and Adrian Peterson were battling for the honor but Jets’ fans flooded...

Hallmark CEO Says Love Is A Privilege, Should Be Privatized [Daily New...

Kansas City, MO – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Following the lead of Nestle CEO Peter Brabeck’s notion that water should be privatized, Hallmark CEO Horatio Alton included human emotions denoting affection, loyalty and compassion as privileges better left managed by corporate...

Justice Department To Declare Boston Bombing Suspect “Intergalac...

Washington, DC – Monday By Joshua Mauldin A Justice Department official announced this morning that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the nineteen-year-old suspected of carrying out the marathon bombings in Boston last week, will be declared an Intergalactic Alien. The announcement comes as a response...

Mathematician Cracks Flo Rida’s “Diabolically Clever”...

Cambridge, MA – Friday By Joshua Mauldin James Exton, Professor of Theoretical Mathematics at MIT, announced this morning that he’s finally solved a puzzle that’s stumped mathematicians for years. “Flo Rida [the stage moniker of Tramar Lacel Dillard - pictured here...

Man Hasn’t Seen Game Of Thrones: What An Asshole [Daily News Bri...

Los Angeles, CA – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin A white male in his early thirties, who calls himself a writer, admitted to friends earlier this week that he hasn’t seen one episode of HBO’s hit series Game of Thrones. Despite confessing he’s watched at least twenty...

Karl Rove Found Tragically Alive At 62 [Daily News Brief]

Washington, DC – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin Rumors that Fox News contributor, former advisor to President George W. Bush and Satan’s most prized concubine had spontaneously combusted when the frothing fecal matter he’s composed of reached a critical mass, have been silenced...

North Korea Announces Completion Of World’s Only Manned Drone [D...

Pyongyang, NK – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin North Korea shocked the world this morning by announcing the release of a brand new technology capable of transporting a small nuclear weapon hundreds of miles without refueling. Speaking from the capital to a throng of cheering citizens, Press...

New Morrissey Single “Swift Getaway” To Chronicle Break-Up...

London, UK – Monday By Joshua Mauldin Morrissey’s new song won’t drop until the summer, but the former frontman of The Smiths isn’t waiting until then to open up about his whirlwind relationship with country superstar Taylor Swift. “She did to my emotions what...

Mime Chokes To Death During Performance; Receives Thunderous Applause ...

Santa Monica, CA – 10am PST By Joshua Mauldin Amidst what was called a tour-de-force by spectators, street performer Francois Armand accidentally swallowed a chain of scarves and passed away from suffocation at the Santa Monica Promenade Wednesday afternoon. The scarves, which he...

New Alabama Abortion Law To Define Life “At Second Drink” ...

Mobile, AL – 2pm PST By Joshua Mauldin Alabama Republican, Anderson Smoo, proposed a bill in the state legislature Thursday that seeks to establish the beginning of life when a woman imbibes a second beer, cocktail or glass of wine. Personhood measures are popular in conservative states...

Country’s Oldest Creationist Museum To Close; Unable To Adapt To...

Anderson, KY – 9:30am PST By Joshua Mauldin Genesisland, the oldest creationist museum in the United States will close its doors Friday for the first time since opening in 1953. Burt Winegaard, owner and operator for the past 30 years cites the popularity of God’s Plan, a brand...

Study Finds People With Negative Reactions To Marijuana Didn’t D...

Tacoma, WA – 2pm PST By Joshua Mauldin A three-year study by the advocacy group Center For Cannabis Justice concluded Wednesday that people who report panic attacks and other heightened levels of anxiety from THC have simply not been exposed to the substance correctly. Lead researcher...

Man Changes Mind During Argument On Facebook; Crashes Server [Daily Ne...

Rocksville, AR – 10am PST By Joshua Mauldin Arkansas Facebook servers crashed for seventeen seconds this morning when a Rocksville resident wrote an unrecognizable sequence of letters in the comment section of his son’s page. “I’ve argued about gay marriage with David...